AIBU to all of a sudden think I want a second child?

[gest]

Hey mumsnetters,

Not quite sure if this is the correct place for this, I certainly feel a bit unreasonable right now and you've always given honest and helpful advice.

To the point. I have a gorgeous 18mo DD. Horrendous pregnancy in the mental health department. Depression, anxiety, the whole lot. Wasn't even sure if I wanted the one child (of course now very happy I did). The pregnancy and the first 6 months of her life were absolute hell. I was so depressed and anxious during the pregnancy we hadn't even named her, every day was a constant panic attack, unrelated I had lost my job. Couldn't bond with her when she was born. She was diagnosed with a medical issue. It was such a horrible, horrible mess. I still have a bit of PTSD from the experience I think. Can't think of it without feeling panicky and ill. This experience on top of my introversion and predisposition to only wanting one child makes me think I should stop with my lovely DD. DH is on board with either one or two.

Now BIL has announced they are expecting a second in April and now SIL has announced they are working on a second. I am an only child for reference. Ever since they've announced this I've been so very upset and crying over the idea that I want a second as well! I am so sad that my little one is really no longer a baby anymore and that I felt like depression robbed me of DD's babyhood... I never got that beautiful experience of having an infant. It breaks my heart, I am so sad over it. Haven't really told DH but I cry on my way to work and cry hugging DD... clinging to her... knowing how fast she's growing.

The thing is though, I PANIC at the thought of a second changing the relationship I have now with DD and having to juggle raising another. I have a deep bond with DD now. Love her to bits. I enjoy our simple and quiet lifestyle, the 3 of us, and being able to just focus on her and have my own activities as well. I know that would change with a second and I have a strong feeling I would not like the reality of life with two kids, and that's not something you can redo. I'm mostly happy now save for these pangs of sadness. Like I said I grew up an only and I very much enjoyed the special bond I had with my mum and going shopping with her, getting coffees, special holidays. Then I get sad about DD potentially being alone when we're gone... I know siblings are never a guarantee of getting along or being supportive but I have DH and DD now. What if she never marries and has this support system... I go round and round with these thoughts. May I just say I was fine until BIL/SIL announced this!! Now I've gone down the rabbit hole.

Very kind of heart wrenching for some reason mulling this over. I know I should be happy with my gorgeous DD but I feel like part of me is missing... don't know if that means I want another or if I'm mourning the loss of her babyhood. Now I'm wondering if I'm making some sort of awful choice or if DD will hate being an only!

MN what do I do here? AIBU? Is this some strange manifestation of baby fever? Can anyone relate or can you give me some perspective a few years down the line? I feel crazy and alone and confused.

V tricky!

It sounds like you will think deeply and have mixed feelings whatever you decide!

Your DD will likely be fine either way. Can’t really plan for how siblings will gel.

How are you and your H set up practically in terms of having DC2: your age, fertility, work, relationship etc?

I have two DC and a MH issue, DC both help and hinder my MH

Would try to set aside “shoulds” and what others do.

I can’t really remember the times when my DC were babies at all, probably sleep deprivation and health. and found toddler years the hardest so far. Primary school has been v good.

A couple of years ago I spent some time with a relative and their 2 children (aged around 7 and 5 at the time).
I’m an only child and I was absolutely stunned at the massive difference in family dynamics, kids behaviour, parents relationship, space issues etc etc etc to what I experienced. It is a completely different kettle of fish.
From that day onwards I knew that if ever decide to have children, I will never have more than one. It probably sounds stupid, but one of the many, many reasons I haven’t got any yet is the fear of conceiving twins.

You'd feel sad over the end of your second's babyhood as well.

I have two and was more relaxed the second time round BUT you have to be because there is less time as you're dealing with the first child as well as a baby.

I had invaluable family help for the second. Would you have this? It's very hard work and tiring. Especially when you have a baby waking up in the night then have to deal with your eldest full of energy in the morning.
I always planned two, so no regrets and they play well together now.
But it is definitely not a perfect redo of the first time.

I wonder if this sadness is more about not being able to have enjoyed your early
months with your first and mourning that than actually wanting a second child. You’re hearing about others being able to do that easily and it’s making you want the same.

It sounds like you are mostly now and as you say have a simple quiet life with the 3 of you. I have two young children and I could never describe my life as that. I had an easy time with both of them as babies but even then two is a completely different ball game from one, I don’t mean that to be negative and I was really sure I wanted more than one. But I do think that if you suspect it’s no for you then you’d be much happier in the life you have now

Sorry that should say mostly happy now

I feel a lot like this OP! DD is 18 months too. She was a very unhappy baby and cried a lot. Although luckily I didn’t have any mental health issues. I adore her and I love her being a little person- I’m enjoying spending time with her now she has a little personality and we are out of the baby stage.

Could you consider a bigger age gap? We are going to wait until DD is 3. I think there would be a lot of benefits to this as I’d still get quality time with a second child if she was at school, hopefully there would be less jealousy and she would enjoy the experience of having a baby sibling. I have a niece who is 5 and plays with my DD lovely. Whereas another niece who is younger sees her as a threat and it is a constant struggle with stealing toys etc.

Not everyone is cut out for a small age gap.

Whatever you decide, own the decision and don’t have regrets.

What about when your second baby grows out of the baby stages too though - you sound content as it is and the fact that your in laws are having second babies really shouldn’t affect you having a second - it really is such a changing decision that shouldn’t rest on the choices of your in laws.... im
Sorry you feel the way you do OP.

There's 5 years between my two DS and although we didn't plan it that way, it worked out far better than I could have imagined. No jealousy, eldest settled in school so could spend time with baby, they have always been good friends. Of course their relationship has changed over the years but they will always have that special bond.
What I'm trying to say is, there's no rush, give yourself some more time, maybe let your first child grow up a bit and get through those difficult early years, then think again when you're all a bit more settled.

Hi,

Not sure if this helps. I have a DD about to turn two. While my early experiences with her as an infant don’t sound nearly as bad as yours, I had quite severe pre natal anxiety and none of it was an easy ride. I was absolutely set on only having one, but since 18 months have experienced the same as you to have a second. I get so upset at how quickly she is growing up. So I really do understand how you are feeling.

We have started to try again. So far with no luck. I think my view is that if I only have her I will be happy, but I can’t not try for a second. I do wake up sometimes in the middle of the night terrified about being pregnant again and the impact of a second child, but try and rationalise it that so many people do it and manage it and love it.

Hope you manage to make a decision. Whatever it is will be the right decision for you.

I think a women's heart is full of emotions around being broody, having babies, missing certain parts. Sorry if that sounds cheesy. I have two children. I love them both terribly. Motherhood has had ups and downs. My DD had mild hip dysplasia as a baby. She suffers from travel sickness and gets so anxious she won't talk to alot of adults. I have felt alot of worry and stress around her over the years. Yet she's made me so happy. We've had so many happy times too l, she was a happy easy child until 2.5 and she was around 18 months old when I started wanted another baby. I remember being scared of it all though. Would I cope with morning sickness with a toddler. I had this horrible nagging fear that id be too sick to care for my daughter. But a month after she turned two I fell pregnant. I muddled through the sickness and he's now two years old. I can't imagine life without him. Yes there is alot going on now and life's busy. I've got two very young people with different needs. Ones at school and ones a young toddler. But it's such a special relationship they have. I often watch them play and my heart melts. I literally think I'm so glad they have eachother.

Now my son's two and deep down I know I'm done but I still have wobbles. I hated the first 14 weeks of pregnancy. The nausea, exhaustion, the anxiety that I wouldn't cope. I still feel a pang of sadness when I think I will never pee on a stick again and see those pink lines. I'll never check in with the midwife. I'll never have scans, bumps or the excitement of planning for a new baby. Names, outfits etc.

I think you need to talk to your partner. Maybe talk to a gp in advance about your worries. Have a serious think if you want two children. You won't loose your bond with your first. You will be giving them something so special. It's not essential to have siblings. But it has many perks. It is someone to learn to share with. To fight it out with. To play and laugh with. Someone who they have to hopefully help them in life. It can make life less lonely in some ways.

Also things are never usually the same second time. Everything was different for me. Emotionally I've coped alot better with number two. I'm more confident in my decisions too. Also he's so different to my DD. It's just wonderful to have two different personalities in the house.

Have a chat to your partner. You definitely need some advice and support. I've learned the hard way not to be upset by others doing it first. My partner's cousin announced she was pregnant with her second just as we started trying. I felt abit envious that she was already pregnant. Not in a cruel way just in a why couldn't it be me! Sadly she lost three babies including that baby. I had my son the month she lost her third baby. Luckily she now has a gorgeous boy a year exactly younger than mine. It really taught me to focus on my own journey and nobody else's. X

It sounds like you have been massively swayed because your BIL and SIL are now both expecting their second, not because it's something you really want.

Given everything you've said,, I wouldn't have another. I also have one (5 yrs old) and it's great, no plans for any more.

She is still so little. Take the time and enjoy her. If you had a hard time to start with having her wait and have the second one when she is older, can understand and maybe even help out. Even better starting school.

I did this and would 100% recommend it. My 5yo started school in Sept and my new baby arrived 3 weeks later. I get the peace and 1-2-1 time with her whilst DS is at school and none of the guilt as he has to been in school and is loving it it.

I was unsure and scared of having a second but am so pleased I did. The first 6 months after DS was born were so hard health wise for me but this time it's been fine.

I'd say follow your gut but please give yourself some distance from the first birth and enjoy your DD. Maybe when she is 3 or 4 try for another bit not too soon. Babies are hard, let alone when you have two at once with different needs.

A larger age gap may not be an option for OP, much depends on circumstances.

DH is an only child who finds the dynamic of two children with a 3 year gap really hard to deal with. There are some nice moments but there’s a lot of squabbling and competition. Sometimes I feel more like a referee than a parent.

I’d never really wanted a third until I had the second and was conscious that the magical baby stuff would end and not be repeated. Then I really did want a third. It’s largely passed now, and I’ve certainly accepted it’s the right thing for our family to stick at two.

I think you should listen to your head not your hormones. Perhaps take some advice on the likelihood of MH problems in a second pregnancy.

I feel kind of the same way about having a 3rd. I'm a bit jealous of those with 3, but at the same time I didn't really enjoy the realities of having two when they were very young, and although mine are primary age now and more self sufficient I don't like the idea of juggling a baby around the school run or giving up most of my hobbies again. I also had severe hyperemesis both times. What I will say is that as time has gone on I'm happier with my lot, I've crossed my personal cut off age for having more kids, enjoy this phase of life much more than the baby stage and happily gave away the baby stuff.

Don’t have another.

Jump from 1 to 2 was far harder for me and you may experience the same problems but also have a toddler to look after.

I think the whole getting pregnant and excitement around a new baby is addictive!! I’ve got 3 DC and do not want any more...it’s lovely but a hard slog and I don’t have any MH issues, but I still have crazy ideas of a 4th when someone announces a pregnancy.

I'm an only child and when I see my two DDs (7 and 5) I see the kind of childhood I would have had with a sibling and I think it doesn't compare. They have someone to play with all time time. The fun never stops.
The thing is second time round you'll be more prepared for everything and the big difference second time round for me was that you know everything is a phase which makes it much easier

I had great MH support when pregnant with DC2, from the NHS and was also lucky to be able to pay for regular counselling.

Also, challenging times as a parent can kind of “balance out” over time. As I mentioned I can barely remember the small baby times and found it and the toddler times hard. Really enioy parenting now, most of the time anyway!

@josephinebettany

Agree with this. My best friend has an only child who is five. He's lovely but he's got this really calm all focus on him life. He's not spoilt at all. Just in a perfect routine. every night he plays for 30 minutes with his dad whilst his mum cooks tea. Then without fail he's bathed and back down for sofa snuggles and Tele before bed . Where as mine have a sort of routine but we can't religiously have baths and things at the same time every night. It depends on how smoothly things are going. You definitely have more to manage with two. But for me personally I felt one was a lonely experience. I couldn't imagine it. I had three sisters. Only one lived at home with me as the others were late teens though.

I also don't think it's a bad thing to only have one. It has to be when you feel your family is complete. That's how I know my broodiness for number three sometimes is based on scans, being pregnant, having a baby and toddler again. It's not realistic when it comes to money, space, energy or time. I physically couldn't cope with me being sick and getting my DD to school in the first trimester. I was no good to anyone really.

These boards are all very pro only children. Personally I think the benefit of having two dc outweigh the short term difficulties. I found going from 1-2 incredibly hard but am so happy they have each other.

You know, you don't need to decide now, OP. Why not park it and promise yourself you'll revisit this internal discussion in a year's time?

Your DD is still so little, why not wait and see how you feel in 6 months, a year?

I think you have a very rose tinted idea of what having a baby might have been like without depression. I didn’t have depression but I found the first year horrendous. I never slept, my baby had health problems etc etc.

Please don’t have another just because you want some unattainable ideal of having a baby because it almost certainly won’t work out how you are imagining it. Babies are bloody hard work and stressful.

It sounds like you have a wonderful life at the moment. I would not jeopardise that.

Everyone worries how the second child will affect the first. Everyone feels guilt that they are not giving the first enough attention with a newborn etc. In reality a toddler shouting is more urgent than a baby crying and they usually get their own way! Your relationship with your daughter will change anyway - a relationship with a 5 year old is not the same as a relationship with an 18 month old as they are completely different people if that makes sense.

So i wouldnt worry about all the above. I would concentrate on practicalities and logistics - yes it is loads busier, sleep is worse, there isn't any form of break, there are twice as many illnesses etc. I thought I woukdnt find it too hard to go from one to two ad we had already made lifestyle changes but it is very busy