AIBU to all of a sudden think I want a second child?

[gest]

Hey mumsnetters,

Not quite sure if this is the correct place for this, I certainly feel a bit unreasonable right now and you've always given honest and helpful advice.

To the point. I have a gorgeous 18mo DD. Horrendous pregnancy in the mental health department. Depression, anxiety, the whole lot. Wasn't even sure if I wanted the one child (of course now very happy I did). The pregnancy and the first 6 months of her life were absolute hell. I was so depressed and anxious during the pregnancy we hadn't even named her, every day was a constant panic attack, unrelated I had lost my job. Couldn't bond with her when she was born. She was diagnosed with a medical issue. It was such a horrible, horrible mess. I still have a bit of PTSD from the experience I think. Can't think of it without feeling panicky and ill. This experience on top of my introversion and predisposition to only wanting one child makes me think I should stop with my lovely DD. DH is on board with either one or two.

Now BIL has announced they are expecting a second in April and now SIL has announced they are working on a second. I am an only child for reference. Ever since they've announced this I've been so very upset and crying over the idea that I want a second as well! I am so sad that my little one is really no longer a baby anymore and that I felt like depression robbed me of DD's babyhood... I never got that beautiful experience of having an infant. It breaks my heart, I am so sad over it. Haven't really told DH but I cry on my way to work and cry hugging DD... clinging to her... knowing how fast she's growing.

The thing is though, I PANIC at the thought of a second changing the relationship I have now with DD and having to juggle raising another. I have a deep bond with DD now. Love her to bits. I enjoy our simple and quiet lifestyle, the 3 of us, and being able to just focus on her and have my own activities as well. I know that would change with a second and I have a strong feeling I would not like the reality of life with two kids, and that's not something you can redo. I'm mostly happy now save for these pangs of sadness. Like I said I grew up an only and I very much enjoyed the special bond I had with my mum and going shopping with her, getting coffees, special holidays. Then I get sad about DD potentially being alone when we're gone... I know siblings are never a guarantee of getting along or being supportive but I have DH and DD now. What if she never marries and has this support system... I go round and round with these thoughts. May I just say I was fine until BIL/SIL announced this!! Now I've gone down the rabbit hole.

Very kind of heart wrenching for some reason mulling this over. I know I should be happy with my gorgeous DD but I feel like part of me is missing... don't know if that means I want another or if I'm mourning the loss of her babyhood. Now I'm wondering if I'm making some sort of awful choice or if DD will hate being an only!

MN what do I do here? AIBU? Is this some strange manifestation of baby fever? Can anyone relate or can you give me some perspective a few years down the line? I feel crazy and alone and confused.

I wouldn’t have a second in your shoes. It doesn’t sound as if you want an actual other child. You’re sentimentalising the baby stage and hoping to have some kind of perfected baby experience that you feel you missed out on first time around. It would be like me being very disappointed that I had to have a CS and getting pregnant again in the hope I could give birth vaginally.

I don’t know what it’s like to have one baby because we have twins, but even I have had these feelings. In my case I am sure it’s because we had such a difficult time when they were babies, and since to be honest - traumatic emcs, months in nicu, serious health issues and then both twins regressing and being diagnosed with ASD, one is also visually impaired, has brain damage etc. I think there’s part of me that wants to experience what most people experience - having their baby, holding them, taking them home, hearing first words, etc. We have two kids but haven’t experienced those things. There are of course no guarantees that we would experience them with another child any way.

I didn’t feel any of this until I was advised to have a hysterectomy by my gynaecologist. But if I got pregnant again there’s a higher chance of having another set of twins, a 1 in 3 chance of having another child with ASD and it’s not even the ASD that concerns me - it’s the constant battle for everything they need (just been through the EHCP process for them both and it nearly finished me off to be honest).

We’ve decided not to have any more but I often still have the feelings that I want to. I’m just trying to get past it. We are considering adoption in the future, once we have a better idea of how much care the boys need and whether it would be feasible, the next few years will be crucial in establishing that but I’ll be 40 by the time they’re 6.

Don’t really have any advice but I think what you’re feeling is quite normal.