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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset that my boyfriend wants to spend NYE with his friends and not me?

29 replies

Fidgety31 · 30/12/2019 20:35

We have spent the last three NYE together . Together 3.5 years
He wants to travel to his home town to spend it with his mates - I’m not invited .
We don’t have a very good relationship right now so I think we should be making more effort to spend it together - whereas his solution is time apart .
I am upset by this . He clearly isn’t .
AIBU to think he should make the effort to spend it with me ?

OP posts:
BloodyCats · 30/12/2019 20:38

Sometimes a bit of distance can be a good thing.

I don’t think putting pressure on him to do what you want will end well.

TheMustressMhor · 30/12/2019 20:40

You must be feeling very disappointed.

Are you sure he hasn't got someone else he's spending NYE with? Might he be lying about being with his friends?

In either case it sounds like your relationship is pretty much doomed.

midnightmisssuki · 30/12/2019 20:41

Sorry it sounds like the relationship is over. Is there family you can spend the NYE with?

IdiotInDisguise · 30/12/2019 20:41

It seems the BF is moving on. I wouldn’t feel happy if he preferred to go and leave me alone unless I wanted to, but I wouldn’t be waiting for him when he came back either.

Original poster
Fidgety31 · 30/12/2019 20:42

Of course I can never be certain but I am pretty sure he would be spending it with friends . I’ve no doubt their will be girls there too of course. But I don’t think that’s the main factor .

OP posts:
NorthEndGal · 30/12/2019 20:44

Was there a reason you were not invited, if you have been together that long?

EC22 · 30/12/2019 20:45

I’d be thinking the relationship
Was coming to an end?

Scarydinosaurs · 30/12/2019 20:46

Split up with him. You’ll be happier.

Original poster
Fidgety31 · 30/12/2019 20:46

He always goes to see his friends alone - not often , maybe a few times a year. Same as I do with mine .
I wouldn’t want him hanging around when I’m catching up with mates and it’s the same for him I guess .

OP posts:
Zzzz19 · 30/12/2019 20:46

Personally I wouldn’t see this as a big deal especially if things aren’t going well. A bit of space could make you or break you but nothing worse than forcing a perfect NYE when things aren’t great.

1987Nic · 30/12/2019 20:47

Did he tell you in advance or has he just told you last minute? I’d also be disappointed but It seems that he might just wants a little time away rather than wanting to end the relationship.

Useful22 · 30/12/2019 20:48

It's weird you cant hang out with each others mates. Doubt this is going anywhere. Go out with your friends and have fun

Pop2017 · 30/12/2019 20:50

You have every right to be upset. It’s NYE. Admittedly I don’t really celebrate but you should come first always. Why can’t you go? 3.5 years into my relationship with Oh I would insist I went to and wouldn’t take no for an answer but we were living together by that point!

I went out with a guy years ago. I wasn’t old enough to drink (I was not quite 18 and he was 20) he promised to spend NYE in with me more so because he was ‘skint’. When he managed to get hold of some money (dad bailed him out). He went out without even letting me know first and turned his phone off. We didn’t last long after that. My birthday is in January (my 18th) and the same bastard (sorry langauge) didn’t come to my 18th birthday party as he went out with his mates instead. That was the end. Different scenario to you but I was so glad when I met my other half and he always put me first. Our first NYE together I was convinced he would ditch me for his friends but he didn’t..

Please tell him how you feel about it though.

Original poster
Fidgety31 · 30/12/2019 20:50

It’s good to hear different view points.
He did mention he might want to go a few weeks ago yes, but said nothing since until I spoke about NYE yesterday.
So maybe I am being too controlling by expecting him to do what I want .
But for me - NYE is a special night that you spend with those you care about . And he knows it’s important to me - that’s why it’s upset me so much as it’s seems my feelings are being ignored .

OP posts:
TigerOnATrain · 30/12/2019 20:52

This relationship has gone past its sell-by date.

Bin him.

MsVestibule · 30/12/2019 21:02

I think the relationship has run its course 😕. He knows it's important to you (and TBF, most people want to spend NYE with their partner, it's not like you're asking for anything unreasonable) but he doesn't care.

How would you feel if he/you ended it? Relieved? Upset? Devastated?

Lollypop82 · 30/12/2019 21:08

I would let him go. You can’t force someone to do something they don’t want to do. But use your time to think what you want from a relationship and what would make you happy

LadyLightning · 30/12/2019 21:10

This is not a good sign - not that spending time with friends is a bad thing, or being apart sometimes is a problem, but if he knows how important it is to you and you have always done it before, he is sending you a big message by being somewhere else.

Justmuddlingalong · 30/12/2019 21:19

YNBU, but I don't think he is either. You're both dealing with a not great relationship in different ways. I would think he's checking out of the relationship.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 30/12/2019 21:46

I agree with pp who say he's checking out of the relationship.

NameChangeNugget · 30/12/2019 21:50

Nothing grows in shade OP.

Enjoy NYE without him and pick up in the new year

1Morewineplease · 30/12/2019 21:52

It sounds like he’d rather have a good time than be with you.
I’m really sorry.

Lorgillelm · 30/12/2019 22:00

This would be a deal breaker for me personally. Especially as you’ve spent the last 3 NYE together. I’d start the new year single and happy if I were you.

CodenameVillanelle · 30/12/2019 22:04

If he wants space then you must give it to him. Putting pressure on him to spend time with you will lead to a disappointing event and more pressure on the relationship.
Let him go with your blessing and when you come back together evaluate where your relationship is.

Purpleartichoke · 30/12/2019 22:09

My XH decided he just had to spend New Year’s Eve traveling with friends. It was not the first time he chose celebrating an event with his group instead of being with me. That particular trip was the last of our marriage as I ended things upon his return. Things were already strained, and that trip was just the straw that broke the camel’s back, but it was a big stew.

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