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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be generally disappointed in people?

45 replies

TangledUpInGin · 30/12/2019 19:04

There’s a few things that have happened this year that have really shaken my belief in people. I’d like to think I’m a pretty optimistic person, I do like to see the good in people, but quite honestly, the people who I would have regarded as pretty moralistic, have done things that I really cannot fathom. I’m taking about extra marital affairs, leaving spouses with young families, seeing friends husbands on old, just general shit behaviour. I’m aware I’m being massively judgemental and I am only seeing one side to all this, but its left me pretty disillusioned. I’m not perfect, I’d like to think I’m honest and trustworthy, but it makes me wonder why i bother if most others are just being shit!

OP posts:
darndifino · 30/12/2019 19:07

I know what you mean - sometimes people behave in a way you would never have expected of them. The only thing to bear in mind though, is that you can never see inside other people's relationships. It may look fine and dandy from the outside, but the reality might be completely different.

The80sweregreat · 30/12/2019 19:47

It's getting worse.
My friend has been the victim of a hit and run accident in her car : how people can drive off and not even check if the person they hit was ok or not is beyond me.
Luckily she is fine as she was stationary in her car , but sorting out the insurance claim will be a nightmare etc. It's all hassle , yet they will get away with it.
We had our car damaged in a car park without any cctv this year too. Had to pay out to get that repaired. Again people just don't care.
My Friends daughter has been left high and dry after a fairly long marriage with 3 school age children , one with SN. His ok with his new love telling her she needs to work full time now...
Shitty behaviour when your out ; people throwing litter or just being inpatient if you hesitate for a second on a roundabout or a junction. Driving on the roads is a pain these days. I hate it.
Trying to sort out anything on the phone with banks or insurance etc: put on hold , passed around then someone just reads off a script!
Sorry for the rant , but I agree that other people can make life hellish.
I agree with the op. It's depressing.

Brimful · 30/12/2019 19:55

Yup. People are pretty shit.

Hefzi · 30/12/2019 19:56

I suppose it depends why you are "honest and trustworthy" really - is it only because you fear other's judgement? Or is it because that's how you think it's right to behave, irrespective of others?

I behave the way I do because I think it's the right way to behave, even if it's not the way others choose to or reciprocate. But I have to look at myself in the mirror every day, so I think I am justified in doing the "right" thing, even where there's no payoff for me, because my values and integrity are important to my self-identity.

You finish your post by saying that you wonder why you bother (not cheating on your partner? Going on dating sites?) when others don't, which seems to indicate that you are only behaving the way you do because of others, not because it's authentic to who you are - is that what you meant? Because the behaviours you describe are pretty low...

Original poster
TangledUpInGin · 30/12/2019 19:57

Awful isn’t it. It’s the total lack of awareness (whether consciously or subconsciously) of the impact on other people that staggers me. Total disregard of the hurt caused.

OP posts:
MuchBetterNow · 30/12/2019 19:57

I've had both, been massively let down by people I thought I could trust but hugely grateful for the enormous support I've had from everyone else.

The80sweregreat · 30/12/2019 19:58

People are selfish and don't care. This is the problem with so many things.

Original poster
TangledUpInGin · 30/12/2019 20:04

Hefzi, I behave how I do as I believe it’s the right way to behave. In the fact that my behaviour doesn’t impact negatively on others, I’m not lying to people or deceiving them. It has no benefit to me other than meaning I can sleep at night with a clear conscience. I’m not saying Ive never made mistakes, but I can honestly say, mistakes I’ve made, I’ve learnt from. I’m just disappointed that standards for others seem pretty far away from what I would class as acceptable.

OP posts:
The80sweregreat · 30/12/2019 21:45

I'm getting to the stage in life where I don't expect much from anyone!
If they are nice and impress me then I am amazed and my faith in humanity is restored.
If they are horrible , then I just shrug it off.
I'm not explaining it very well but it's how it is and you do live and learn. I am also good at sussing people out too and who to avoid ( if I can) I usually can suss out the fakes these days as well.

Pinktornado · 30/12/2019 22:02

This Fred Rogers’ quote can help when it feels like the world is full of bastards: "When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.' To this day, especially in times of 'disaster,' I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers—so many caring people in this world."

stonebrambleboy · 30/12/2019 22:17

Hell is other people - John Paul Sartre.
I love that quote😐

Rachelfromfriends1 · 30/12/2019 22:32

I know this is minor compared to some of yours, but I was at a train station recently with my sister and young niece. Sat down in the waiting area when a woman sat next to me & made conversation with us, inc niece. Lovely lady, I thought.

I ended up leaving a bag behind on my seat in the waiting area, went back and it was gone. Checked lost properly, hoped kind lady may have handed it in as we did have a nice chat & she may have remembered us. Not only didn’t she hand it in, after CCTV was checked i was told she was the one that pilfered itXmas HmmMakes me wonder if that’s the only reason she starting talking to us!

BackforGood · 30/12/2019 22:35

It seems to me you have had a run of poor experiences.
Yes, of course there are people who don't care about others and people who cheat, etc, but you know there are far more who are decent, even lovely, generous, kind hearted people. Most people are decent, but it doesn't make for an interesting headline, does it? Or even interesting gossip, or even worth mentioning. I see 'kind' as normal, so wouldn't be mentioning it when it happened, but I might mention my surprise at someone cheating on their partner, as it is outside of the 'norm'.

Babybel90 · 30/12/2019 23:25

Life is not black and white, people are not either good or bad.

They may be well aware of the effect their actions have on other people but decide to prioritise their own happiness.

It’s probably best not to dwell on what other people do too much, as long as your happy with your own actions you can rest easy.

Snowyday1234 · 31/12/2019 07:04

In my experience, 2019 is the year I’ve felt most let down by people’s choices and the way they act
I think we’re in a very selfish society generally at the moment. Hope it will change

StreetwiseHercules · 31/12/2019 07:07

The more time I spend alive the more I just feel to my very core that other people are an absolute pain in the arse.

SnuggyBuggy · 31/12/2019 07:09

I think people are very individualistic in our society and it does affect behaviour. It can breed a very I'm alright Jack mentality and you do what suits you and don't consider how it affects others

Booberella9 · 31/12/2019 07:16

Plenty of husbands don't go OLD or have affairs. But @BackforGood has it - no one talks about those people!

Ooh did you hear - Mark's still married to Stacey! 20 years and still faithful, can you imagine? Ooh I wonder how she's taking the news, especially with the kids just starting GCSEs!

As a society we have a dreadfully negative bias. It's a survival trait actually hard wired. But that doesn't mean you have to be content with it. Positive psychology / evolutionary psychology talk a lot of sense on this topic.

Yes some people do shitty things, many more quietly don't

malificent7 · 31/12/2019 07:19

Don't expect anything ..i have learned this. Yy to pita!

HairyString · 31/12/2019 07:21

I agree. DH and I are now NC with a large swathe of his family because they tried to steal money from us that we loaned them in good faith.

I can't fathom the entitled attitude of people nowadays. Even if you smile and let someone out in traffic you often get a scowl!

Modern life is hard and very stressful. Everything is dumbed down intellectually too. I can't bear to watch TV half the time because the presenters are speaking to us as if we are six years old. The BBC is the worst for this by a country mile.

Obligatorync · 31/12/2019 07:32

YANBU. I found out something (small) and dishonest that some of my co-workers do yesterday.
I was really shaken by it. No idea what if anything to do with the information.

The80sweregreat · 31/12/2019 09:37

I do admire some folk who do say ' blow this, I'm not happy and I won't put up with it' but sometimes they can't see how much it hurts other people or choose to ignore that aspect of their actions in pursuit of their own happiness. I am too worried about other people really to do what makes me happiest 100 percent of the time but more selfish ones do seem to get on better in life as they have more drive / I'm ok jack attitude.
That's been my observations , but they also have to live with the consequences. Maybe that's harder to do than they make out it is but they carry on regardless!

Jsjeksmne · 31/12/2019 09:42

People just care about themselves and their own circle. They don’t give anyone else a chance. People are horrible and so many innocent young people die. And I just think why haven’t these people got their karma? How are they allowed to live their lives with everything good happen to them. Life is unfair

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 31/12/2019 09:56

Humans are the worst kind of animals. We’re so self involved and we only care about achieving bigger and better. Of course some humans do try but in one way or another we are all horrid in some way and destructive. Sad but true, although I’m sure many of you will disagree.

OwlinaTree · 31/12/2019 09:56

Difficult one with the 'I'm not happy' scenario. If making yourself happy makes lots of others unhappy is it fair though? If it's general unhappiness through feeling own needs not being met, partner taking you for granted etc there's probably stuff you can do about that before leaving. Especially if children are involved.

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