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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD's dad let them down at Xmas

47 replies

floatygoat · 30/12/2019 17:02

I have posted before about ex moving two hour drive away to move in with latest gf. Needless to say I’m not very impressed with his choices lately...this latest girlfriend, is the fifth in the space of a year - all of which houses he’s had our two dd's staying in straight away, during his time with them, against my wishes/what’s best for them. He was supposed to collect the girls on Boxing Day and have them for a few days. 6am on the day he messaged saying he’s walked out of gf house , is homeless and won’t have the girls til January. All signs point to him having gone on a Christmas Day bender - he has a history of binge drinking.
Two days ago he text Dd 11 asking her and dd 6 to come stay til New Year’s Day - I don’t want them to go, point out to him that he hasn’t even apologised to them or asked how their Xmas is, but get "dramatic as fuck. Whatever" as a response. However DD1 really, really wants to go, so I let them go yesterday. Within two hours DD1 messages me asking to come home.

The new girlfriend has got DD1 an iPad. They left her to set it up on her own, and the 4 digit code she used isn’t working / she’s forgotten so then the girlfriend is making her feel awful going on about how expensive it was and she may as well chuck it in the bin, and ex is accusing dd1 of knowing the password and not telling them, dd1 is really upset and I message her saying “your dad will have to contact apple support and get it sorted end of. It’s not your fault or problem to sort”

Dd1 is upstairs with the girlfriends oldest kid and forwards this message to ex who replies to her “that’s fucking rude as fuck” .
Then dd1 asks me to message him asking the address so I can collect her and dd2. He’s not replying but she’s too scared to go down and ask him because he’s with the girl friend. Eventually she does and he says to her “fuck off I don’t have time for this”....then 10 minutes later told her he would take them home and agreed to meet me half way. As they were leaving gf says to dd1 "this really isn't a big deal you don't have to leave" in a tone that makes dd1 feel stupid.
When they got back dd1 said their dad is just acting really aggressive and weird, and the girlfriend was mean which isn’t great considering she’s only met her once before. She doesn’t want to go back.

I explained to her that he has most likely been drinking a lot of alcohol and it’s changed his personality a bit at the moment and we will wait til he’s a bit more stable before she sees him again.
But...
AIBU to think even if she decides she wants to again I should actually stop her from going? Dd2 definitely won't be going, she's 6, on the spectrum and vulnerable as it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
floatygoat · 30/12/2019 17:05

Dd1 has also said she feels sad/guilty that she left him and we have ofcourse assured her that she has every right to protect herself, his treatment of her was unacceptable and she has nothing to feel bad for.

OP posts:
MrsWhites · 30/12/2019 17:05

Definitely not unreasonable. What an awful way to treat his children! At 11 she is old enough to know her own mind and I definitely wouldn’t make her go!

AllTheCakes · 30/12/2019 17:07

Your poor daughters Angry You’re not unreasonable at all, I would be asking for contact to be supervised and not with any new women.

mbosnz · 30/12/2019 17:08

That's awful! Your poor DD's.

Just one thing - he'd been drinking and he drove them to meet you half way?

TheLittleBrownFox · 30/12/2019 17:09

Christ I wouldn't let her go again either! He can meet in a McDonalds or whatever with you on another table between them and the door.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/12/2019 17:10

What a dickhead.

Original poster
floatygoat · 30/12/2019 17:10

He had been drinking Christmas Day/night I suspect, hence the message at 6am Boxing Day declaring he was homeless as had walked out of his gf home... but this all happened with the dd's yesterday on the 29th. I think he must still be on the booze though because this type of behaviour/aggression usually always happened when he had been bingeing and was hungover as far as I can remember from our relationship.

OP posts:
DukeChatsworth · 30/12/2019 17:11

He’s not a father. He’s a dick.

Protect her first by blocking his number on her phone or even better - changing her number. He should not be messaging her like that and it needs to be grown ups messaging to discuss things. She shouldn’t be involved or receiving swearing messages off him.

Secondly tell him until he changes and in order to protect the girls, he won’t be seeing them and that he can apply to court if he disagrees.

ohwheniknow · 30/12/2019 17:13

explained to her that he has most likely been drinking a lot of alcohol and it’s changed his personality a bit at the moment

Why are you making excuses for him and minimising his behaviour? It's just going to feed her guilt and sense that it's her fault for not being able to tolerate it/provoking him, rather than his fault for being an abusive prick to his child.

Alcohol or not his behaviour was totally unacceptable and she should never have been in that position.

Original poster
floatygoat · 30/12/2019 17:13

I always worry I will be massively resented by them for blocking contact. Dd1 has now said "if he wants to see me, as long as he is with that girlfriend he can see me at grandmas" (his mum who lives locally to us). It's hard to explain it's him and not the girlfriend that's the problem (although she certainly didn't make dd1 feel comfortable).

OP posts:
mbosnz · 30/12/2019 17:13

Oh right. Lord, your poor girls. Thank goodness your DD1 felt able and was able to ring you and know you'd be there for them. Poor wee lasses, they shouldn't have to deal with that. Sadly, I've had experience of a similar chaotic, disfunctional alcoholic household when I was a kid, and it's darned frightening, especially if that's not your 'norm'.

Original poster
floatygoat · 30/12/2019 17:14

@ohwheniknow I have been lectured before on not bad mouthing him as he is her dad/half of her etc etc

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 30/12/2019 17:15

I think you are right to take control until you know there is a stable place for them to visit him where he is not drunk.

Have you agreed contact formally? If not, you need to.

Original poster
floatygoat · 30/12/2019 17:16

@Tistheseason17 no there is no formal arrangement for contact.

OP posts:
MrsWhites · 30/12/2019 17:17

Grandma’s sounds like a decent compromise if you DD is happy with that!

Redrosesandsunsets · 30/12/2019 17:19

Why if you know he’d been drinking and messaged you to say he had left his gfs house, claiming he was homeless etc, why did you then the next day (or 2 days later) let your kids go to him until New Years if you knew he had been on a bender and was acting unsafe (leaving his house, girlfriend, bender and drunk). That’s a lot of reasons to say no. It doesn’t work etc. The poor kids stepped straight into it. Sorry if I got the situation wrong but it sounds like that very much.

JacquesHammer · 30/12/2019 17:20

floatygoat forgive me if I’ve got the wrong poster, but were you the poster asking if you were unreasonable to be expected to travel on Boxing Day and he was asking you to meet at a shopping centre?

You’ve done absolutely the right thing - your daughters feel able to contact you when something isn’t right and have your support. If you’re happy with it, it does sound like contact at Grandma’s house is a decent option.

Just remember that you’ve done everything you can to facilitate contact; if your daughters want to stop bothering, that is all on their “father”.

cheesydoesit · 30/12/2019 17:20

YANBU. I think I remember your other threads. What a horrible pair they are. Your poor daughters. I think you should cut contact for now, what a piece of shit for treating her like that and colluding with another adult to make her feel so vulnerable and uncomfortable.

Dd1 has also said she feels sad/guilty that she left him and we have ofcourse assured her that she has every right to protect herself, his treatment of her was unacceptable and she has nothing to feel bad for.

I can't remember if you said contact was court ordered but I would cut it down as much as possible, her feeling responsible and guilty for his feelings is so sad.

mbosnz · 30/12/2019 17:20

DD1's idea for contact seems very sensible and mature. Unlike her father.

ohwheniknow · 30/12/2019 17:22

Giving your child clear and accurate information in order to protect her and enable her to protect herself is not "badmouthing". Covering for him causes her damage and leaves her at risk.

Original poster
floatygoat · 30/12/2019 17:23

@Redrosesandsunsets you're absolutely right and I really didn't want to let them go. However dd1 was adamant "you can't stop me it's my dad" and my partner and mum advised me that I'd be resented if I stopped her. Dd2 is very attached to dd1 and I let her go too as a last minute decision on the day. I presumed he would be on best behaviour if gf let him back after his (presumed) bender on Xmas day. This was ofcourse the wrong decision and I feel awful about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
floatygoat · 30/12/2019 17:24

@JacquesHammer no that wasn't me...but I did post about him moving then expecting me to do half of all travel.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 30/12/2019 17:25

On the plus side - now they can perhaps understand their Mum's misgivings about them going to their Dad's now.

JacquesHammer · 30/12/2019 17:25

@floatygoat

Ah yes I remember. You weren’t unreasonable then and you’re certainly not now

Hope your daughters are ok.

Original poster
floatygoat · 30/12/2019 17:26

@JacquesHammer thank you.

OP posts:
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