DD's dad let them down at Xmas

[floatygoat]

I have posted before about ex moving two hour drive away to move in with latest gf. Needless to say I’m not very impressed with his choices lately...this latest girlfriend, is the fifth in the space of a year - all of which houses he’s had our two dd's staying in straight away, during his time with them, against my wishes/what’s best for them. He was supposed to collect the girls on Boxing Day and have them for a few days. 6am on the day he messaged saying he’s walked out of gf house , is homeless and won’t have the girls til January. All signs point to him having gone on a Christmas Day bender - he has a history of binge drinking.
Two days ago he text Dd 11 asking her and dd 6 to come stay til New Year’s Day - I don’t want them to go, point out to him that he hasn’t even apologised to them or asked how their Xmas is, but get "dramatic as fuck. Whatever" as a response. However DD1 really, really wants to go, so I let them go yesterday. Within two hours DD1 messages me asking to come home.

The new girlfriend has got DD1 an iPad. They left her to set it up on her own, and the 4 digit code she used isn’t working / she’s forgotten so then the girlfriend is making her feel awful going on about how expensive it was and she may as well chuck it in the bin, and ex is accusing dd1 of knowing the password and not telling them, dd1 is really upset and I message her saying “your dad will have to contact apple support and get it sorted end of. It’s not your fault or problem to sort”

Dd1 is upstairs with the girlfriends oldest kid and forwards this message to ex who replies to her “that’s fucking rude as fuck” .
Then dd1 asks me to message him asking the address so I can collect her and dd2. He’s not replying but she’s too scared to go down and ask him because he’s with the girl friend. Eventually she does and he says to her “fuck off I don’t have time for this”....then 10 minutes later told her he would take them home and agreed to meet me half way. As they were leaving gf says to dd1 "this really isn't a big deal you don't have to leave" in a tone that makes dd1 feel stupid.
When they got back dd1 said their dad is just acting really aggressive and weird, and the girlfriend was mean which isn’t great considering she’s only met her once before. She doesn’t want to go back.

I explained to her that he has most likely been drinking a lot of alcohol and it’s changed his personality a bit at the moment and we will wait til he’s a bit more stable before she sees him again.
But...
AIBU to think even if she decides she wants to again I should actually stop her from going? Dd2 definitely won't be going, she's 6, on the spectrum and vulnerable as it is.

As an aside - daughter didn't know where she was, can I suggest you download what three words onto her phone so she can always send that to you.

She's 11, trust her instinct and decision whether to allow contact for now

Yanbu. I have several close friends whose daughters at around 12-13 suddenly saw their fathers for the dickheads they were without any help from their mothers. Not turning up/broken promises/poor behaviour towards them and siblings can only be excused to a point and the point seems to be 13!

Just keep doing what you're doing OP, you sound like a good mum and have THEIR best interests at heart, not yours. Unlike some...

I would never let them go back! He sounds irresponsible.

She got her an iPad? 😳
—completely missing the thread—

No you are not being unreasonable.

Having treated your daughters so badly he should have been on his best behaviour, but he clearly can't be bothered.

Also, assuming the new GF has any sense, this relationship is on its last legs, so not a great space for your children to say. Alternatively, if she has not sense it's also not a great environment for your children...

Yes it's weird isn't it? She hadn't even met either dd and only been in a relationship with ex for a few weeks when she supposedly bought them an iPad each for Xmas (only dd1 was presented with one though). She isn't working and receives help from DWP as has three children (two under 3 years old).

I think he must still be on the booze though because this type of behaviour/aggression usually always happened when he had been bingeing and was hungover as far as I can remember from our relationship.

The person I feel sorry for is the girlfriend's son.

I remember your last thread OP I think. He had moved a couple of hundred miles away and expected you to drive the girls halfway and this was his 4th or 5th gf in two years if I am thinking about the right thread.

OP You have done nothing wrong here. In fact you have gone out of your way to accommodate him and still it gets thrown in your face. At this stage your girls take priority and if they don't want to see or don't feel safe with their dad and his gf they are who you need to look out for. As for him, I would let him apply for visiting rights and hope it takes a while to come through. If you want to give him supervised access with his mum that's up to you and very generous of you after his carry on at Christmas. Good luck op.

she supposedly bought them an iPad each for Xmas

Sounds as though they might not be covered by a guarantee from Apple...

hmm lorry fell off the back of/or man in pub (regarding origin of ipad)

What a horrible situation. I remember your other thread.

Personally I think it's great that DD1 is able to talk to you and confide in you. She clearly has a good head on her shoulders, can assess events and still wants to maintain a relationship with her father. He may be a waste of space and a man child, but unless there's a realistic risk of harm I would say that preventing her seeing him would do damage to her relationship with you.
I'd say you support reasonable arrangements for her to see her father, that's she can talk to you at any time and then keep your comments about her dad factual.
As a sensible child she will make her own judgements on you both as she gets older and you'll be on the right side of it for being a supportive mum.

I wouldn't let them go back to the GF's place - especially if he hasn't even given you the address. And I would also worry that he was still half-cut when he drove your girls to the half-way point taking them home. If he binge drinks he could have still been under the influence even if he hadn't been drinking that day.

Your poor girls must have been so disappointed.

@merrymouse I feel sorry for him too.

@DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh I managed to figure out the address as my poor dd was sending me screenshots from google maps which pinpointed her location.

But yes they're definitely not going back there, the gf is clearly irresponsible as well having moved a man she barely knows into her house with her 3 kids and then having him back after he went on a bender on Christmas...so there's really no hope in at least one sensible adult being there. Her being not very nice to dd1 doesn't help either. He hadn't seen them for 4 weeks ffs and within an hour they're both having a go at her. I'm so angry.

@cstaff yes that's me. Although when I sat down and figured it out, it's actually fifth girlfriend in 12 months, not 18 months as I'd originally thought.

Update, Dd1 sent her dad a message today saying why he and his gf had upset her, that she thinks he is selfish for moving around woman to woman and that if he wants to see her he will have to have her for the day locally at his mothers.
His response was that the whole situation pisses him off, he will take her bowling next weekend [and take her to the girlfriends house after no doubt]. She told him no to bowling because she doesn't want to go to his gf house. And he said "you will have to one day". To which she responded "says who" and there's been no messages since. She now feels awkward about seeing him because he seems to accept no responsibility whatsoever and she thinks he will give her a lecture telling her it's me putting stuff in her head etc. She doesn't want to say anything else because she doesn't want to be rude to him bless her.

Can't believe he hasn't apologised to her, he's such a bastard!

Can't believe he hasn't apologised to her

Can’t you? He’s selfish and irresponsible. Taking responsibility for his failings doesn’t seem to be in his repertoire.

He will.never apologise to her, he will.never accept responsibility for doing anything wrong.
I am sorry for your daughters, my ex husband is cut from the same cloth and I worry about my dd 's future interaction with her irresponsible and abusive father. I don't bad mouth him either as I've been advised not to as it will affect her self esteem.
The iPad - I could not accept such an expensive gift to a child from someone they barely know, particularly when that person is hard up themselves. Can you give it back? Otherwise it's going to be thrown in your face he night her a iPad...I presume he doesn't pay proper child support?

@changedtempforprivacy they didn't let her bring the iPad home with her.

He pays the minimum child support through the cms - deduction of wages order.

Interesting she wasn't allowed to bring the iPad home with her - is this to make visiting there more appealing? Good for you on getting a cms deduction at source - only sensible thing to do with this type..