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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this irresponsible and neglectful?

98 replies

LetUsHaveACupOfTea · 30/12/2019 15:35

Mil mentioned that she took dh on a 3 day car journey from the UK to an Eastern European country (still under soviet rule at the time) when he was 18 months old while he had measles. AIBU to think that's irresponsible and you don't make your sick child with measles travel for that long?

OP posts:
birdsarecute45 · 30/12/2019 17:21

OP, in the 70s when I was a small child my mother fed me ribena in a bottle frok birth and popped me into a cot to sleep with the DD of her best friend who had truly appalling measles because she thought it was best to get it over and done with.

My mother is a nurse. As was her friend.

Do I look back at this and this WTAF? yes I do. But do i use it as the prime example of my mother's narcissism and why she should not ne allowed anywhere near my chioldren? No. Because it is not quite logical to do so. If you have other more current reasons fine. But to cherry pick that example - is a bit unusual, shall we say.

SirGawain · 30/12/2019 17:26

I can't work out how they were able to travel into a Soviet ruled country?
The Soviets didn’t mind foreigners visiting, (I did), they just didn’t like their own people leaving.

Radardodgingninga · 30/12/2019 17:30

It seems ok to me. If he was at home he’d probably have just been resting on the sofa and he could rest just as well in the car. In fact my DC slept better in the car than in bed.

CFlemingSmith · 30/12/2019 17:32

I think you have way more issues with you MIL than you’re making out.
You’ve already said you don’t trust her with you child so you’re just looking for ways to justify why you don’t trust her although I can imagine there are none and you simply don’t like her

kateandme · 30/12/2019 17:34

have you looked up some of the things parents did back then that were perfectly reasonable?you can NO WAY JUDGE some of the beahviours of now by using things she did back then!
people thought normal was what we today would think was idiotic.
yes she could have been shit alongside this.but before research,rules knowledge you dont know what she was told or thought on what was ok.so you can get in her mindset and judge her on it because you are only now going on what we now know of these things.

TheBigFatMermaid · 30/12/2019 17:40

Things move on. Back then measles was a normal part of childhood. Life didn't stop because of it.

My children have all been vaccinated, so it hasn't been an issue for us.

We didn't have car seats as children when in relatives cars. My DC certainly did. My eldest DD has two of her own now, not only have they got car seats but they're rear facing. I had no clue what peril my DC were in by using forward facing from 6 months!

I fed my eldest pureed food from 4 months. I fed the two younger ones similar from 6 months. DD did baby lead weaning with her's from 6 months.

You see how progress is made?

You really can't judge someone on things like this from so many years ago.

HanginWithMyGnomies · 30/12/2019 17:42

I think maybe you’re the one with the issues @LetUsHaveACupOfTea. Your examples are ridiculous and the post @jkscot4 just pulled out shows you are just clutching at straws.

I feel sorry for your dp. How does he feel about HIS mother looking after HIS children? They’re not just yours you know 🤷🏻‍♀️. I’d suggest taking a long hard look at yourself. You’ll be the MIL one day too you know 👌🏻.

KurriKurri · 30/12/2019 17:43

I was born 60 yrs ago, when there was no vaccine and many children got measles, my mother would not have taken us out and about and certainly not on a long drive - my sister in particular was very unwell with it. It can be a very serious illness.
On the other hand my mother sent us round to play with all the kids who had mumps so we would get it and get it out of the way.
Different times, differet styles of parenting, and yes possibly your MIl waas somewhat irresonsible, but what's done is done.
My MIL allowed my XH when he was 4 and a had to walk two miles to and from school on his own every day. He was supposed to walk through a wood, but one day decided to take a shorter route that involved crossing a road, she caught him and walloped him for this misdemeanor. (she boasted about this)

I think that's a pretty shitty way to behave, but although I didn;t get on with my MIL, that wasn;t something I brought up - I had enough on going problems with her to deal without casting up ancient crimes !

TheBigFatMermaid · 30/12/2019 17:43

36JKScot ah, two threads in a matter of days, both about ridiculous things.

OP, you really are clutching at straws here!

Sparklesocks · 30/12/2019 18:02

I’m sorry Op but I think too much time has passed to still be focusing on this event.

Mrsjayy · 30/12/2019 18:12

Ah no tea in the livingroom is bonkers if the woman doesn't want tea in her front room then it is what it is !

Sagradafamiliar · 30/12/2019 18:30

Fuck sake.

Danni12 · 30/12/2019 18:36

It's a terrible thing to do but I don't think making a decision about someone based upon a choice so many years ago makes any sense..... make your decision based on the current situation and her current behaviour and views

DuckWillow · 30/12/2019 18:41

You’re going to end up on Mumsnet Madness OP,.

Your post is batshit crazy and you sound like the one with the issues if you’re digging back that far.

TulipCat · 30/12/2019 18:49

It's fine if you don't trust your MIL to take care of your children safely, but dredging up examples from several decades ago weakens the argument, rather than strengthens it. Focus on how she behaves here and now.

saraclara · 30/12/2019 18:51

Measles was just another childhood illness then.

But more to the point, travelling to Eastern Europe took a huge amount of planning back then. My FIL was Polish and the family drove to Poland almost every year to see the relatives. And as soon as they returned, they had to start planning the next trip.
Getting a visa for a communist country back then, took months. And they also need transit visas for countries they had to travel through on the way, like Czechoslovakia or East Germany. And of course registering the car and getting international licenses etc.
After a year of preparing (not to mention gathering together all the clothing and foodstuffs they used to take for the relatives) I'm absolutely certain that they wouldn't have cancelled the trip if one of the kids had measles.
The trips couldn't be rescheduled because the visa dates couldn't be changed, and the transit visas only lasted for one named date.

It's hard to imagine, now that we can just jump on an budget airline flight with no visa. But I did one of those trips with them when my husband and I were first married, and it was a huge undertaking.

Don't blame her for that.

oobieloo · 30/12/2019 18:52

How did she try and sabotage the breastfeeding?

TheMustressMhor · 30/12/2019 20:27

Can you elaborate on how she sabotaged your breastfeeding, OP?

NoSauce · 31/12/2019 06:40

You come across as a bit unhinged OP.
Did you realise that?

spingly · 31/12/2019 07:20

Your history shows two posts, this one and another saying your MIL won't allow tea drinking in her lounge....... are these your only issues with her?

Guavaf1sh · 31/12/2019 08:00

These MIL ones make me sad. Either the OP won’t be back now or some serious drip feeding will occur to shore up her position

Shinyletsbebadguys · 31/12/2019 08:12

OP I speak as someone that I genuinely did have to go NC for actual safety reasons with my exmil and contact with my DC for a time.

I agree if a person is toxic and dangerous go NC and I dont ascribe to the people who say "but she's faaaaammmmily " toxic is toxic and dangerous is dangerous.

But

Be a grown up and consider it rationally and make a decision. Frankly if you are immature enough to be asking these questions about 40 year old trips and cups of tea you are being ridiculous.

The mark of an adult is to be able to make a clear risk based decision and stick to it and hold your boundaries. You frankly dont sound mature enough to handle this situation properly.

In summary grow up , protect your child if they genuinely need protecting but stop asking stupid questions and be an adult.

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