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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you don’t have to accept the first invitation?

35 replies

AvaSnowdrop · 30/12/2019 14:52

About a month ago my friend invited me and a number of others to a Facebook event hosted by a local pub, a NYE disco. We talked about it and went “Aah it’ll be packed and expensive, a taxi home will cost a fortune”. And then forgot about it and didn’t respond on Facebook. Last week our neighbour invited us round for a drink and we accepted because it’s much more convenient to pop next door for a glass of wine.

My friend has texted this morning saying are you coming to the disco tomorrow? I replied no, sorry we’re just going to pop next door for a drink with the neighbours, hope you enjoy the disco. She is absolutely furious, saying she invited us to the disco first, and that was weeks ago so we would have been free at the time and shouldn’t have accepted another invitation afterwards when we’d already been invited somewhere.

AIBU to think that you don’t have to accept the first invitation? You can turn it down and accept a later invitation that’s more convenient? And it wasn’t really a specific invitation either, she just clicked Invite for multiple people on the pub’s Facebook event.

OP posts:
Pipandmum · 30/12/2019 14:55

You don't have to accept any invitation but its rude not to RSVP.

TeenPlusTwenties · 30/12/2019 14:55

YANBU. If you haven't already accepted the first invitation then you can turn it down. What you can't do is accept the first then decline later if a better offer comes along.

JacquesHammer · 30/12/2019 14:55

Of course you don’t have to accept the first invitation, but you were very rude not to respond.

iklboo · 30/12/2019 14:57

You don't have to accept any invitation but its rude not to RSVP.

There was nothing to RSVP to. The friend clicked 'invite' on the pub's FB page. It's more of an 'are you interested in this' than hosting a party herself.

redexpat · 30/12/2019 14:57

I think if you had accepted the first invitation and then changed plans your friend would have a point. But you didnt, so she doesnt.

Original poster
AvaSnowdrop · 30/12/2019 15:00

No I hadn’t accepted the first invitation. I saw it pop up on Facebook about a month ago because she’d clicked Invite. Then completely forgot about it until she texted this morning.

Loads of people click Invite on Facebook events and just invite everyone, does anyone really respond to them all? I tend to regard it more as a notification that this event is happening rather than a specific “I want you to come let’s go together”.

OP posts:
BelfastNonBlonde · 30/12/2019 15:00

You don’t have to accept an invitation you don’t want to go to, no.

If you had wanted to go to the pub thing at the time you would have been more enthusiastic im sure. It’s not like she invited you to something she was hosting - so I think your friend is being unreasonable.

But then I’m a bit flaky, so...

LolaSmiles · 30/12/2019 15:01

You should RSVP to an invitation but don't have to accept the first offer.

For what it's worth, I don't think sending a notification to a Facebook event is a personal invite. It's more of a "here's something you might be interested in".

Sweetpea55 · 30/12/2019 15:01

Why don't you just tell her that you hadn't accepted her invite. What made her think you had and that you had no interest in going anyway

Original poster
AvaSnowdrop · 30/12/2019 15:15

She obviously didn’t think I had accepted her invitation or she wouldn’t have texted this morning to ask if I was going. On a Facebook invitation you can click Going, Not Going, Interested, Not Interested or Remove. I think I had clicked Remove.

OP posts:
Radardodgingninga · 30/12/2019 15:18

It’s fine to decline any invitation but it’s rude to leave it hanging like you did. At the very least you should have declined it once you had made other plans.

MrsMozartMkII · 30/12/2019 15:19

You're NBU. You hadn't said you were going.

Purpleartichoke · 30/12/2019 15:22

You don’t have to accept the first invitation or any invitation at all.

Clicking invite to a public event on Facebook is not an invitation. It’s a notice that you are going and other people you know might be interested in attending as well.

Drum2018 · 30/12/2019 15:23

YANBU. You had not accepted the Facebook invite so why on earth would she have assumed you were going?

Drum2018 · 30/12/2019 15:25

I would get these ridiculous invitations on fb and ignore them. They are not a personal invite. Is she actually hosting the event or is it just a night out in the pub? If she's not hosting then she's being ridiculous to berate you for not going.

gamerwidow · 30/12/2019 15:29

You should have declined the invite. You might not have meant it it that way but it looks like you kept your friend on stand by in case nothing better turned up.
Just say ‘sorry I thought we’d declined that invite and we can’t afford a trip to town but have a great night’ and it’ll blow over.

redcarbluecar · 30/12/2019 15:30

YANBU. A FB invite doesn’t commit you to something. Maybe when you got the invite you could have messaged her and said thanks and you’d decide nearer the time. I think that would be ok for NYE.

NobJobWinker · 30/12/2019 15:30

I don't think you've done anything wrong OP

I guess with hindsight you could have let her know that you didn't fancy the pub thing but I agree that tagging you on FB to a public event is not the same as an invitation to a private event (in which case an RSVP is required)

Original poster
AvaSnowdrop · 30/12/2019 15:48

No she’s not hosting. It’s at the pub and she just clicked Invite. I didn’t even know if she was going herself. Her brother does the disco so she might just have been publicising the event for him. I clicked Remove weeks ago because I wasn’t planning on going.

OP posts:
pasturesgreen · 30/12/2019 15:56

Friend sounds a bit bonkers, it was an invitation to a Facebook event, not tea with the Queen.

That said, best to make it clear you aren't going if that's the case, so "Aah it’ll be packed and expensive, a taxi home will cost a fortune - thanks but no thanks". Saves misunderstandings and potential upset.

SnuggyBuggy · 30/12/2019 15:58

I agree the issue is giving her false hope

sonjadog · 30/12/2019 16:06

If you hadn't answered at all, I could see that she might be a bit disappointed that you weren't going, but as you clicked remove, it should have been obvious that you weren't going.

iklboo · 30/12/2019 16:08

I agree the issue is giving her false hope

False hope? It's a New Years Eve piss up not a kidney transplant.

Mamabear88 · 30/12/2019 16:12

YANBU. I'd have done the same.

SnuggyBuggy · 30/12/2019 16:12

Couldn't think of another phrase though I agree it does sound a bit sentimental