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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

wife wanted a cake baking?

53 replies

armitasp · 29/12/2019 23:42

I genuinely not sure if I was being unreasonable or not. Just before Christmas my wife came home from work about 19:00 and said they were having a party at her work the next day and she said she would bring a cake. I said I'll pick one up at the supermarket when I go out. She said no, I want you to make one. (Some background, I enjoy baking and often make cakes and desserts). I said you didn't think to ask me before now, I've been at work all day and am tired. My wife didn't take it well and stormed off in a huff. I felt bad and made a cake. I was proud of the cake I made, it wasn't up to my usual standards. However, that wasn't from spite, it was just I was genuinely tired and I didn't get it finished until nearly midnight. Was I being unreasonable or not? I don't know whether I should have been pissed off with DW or not?

OP posts:

Creepster · 30/12/2019 02:43

Is this inappropriate response to being told no a pattern of behavior?
Do you usually say no and then do yes?
If so, you need to discuss your dysfunctional relationship.

Leflic · 30/12/2019 02:44

Fr0g Quite.
Another poster made the assumption. Am I not allowed to point out their assumption might be wrong?

Leflic · 30/12/2019 02:45

And thanks but I’ll decide what’s worthy of my comment.

Italiangreyhound · 30/12/2019 02:59

I'd be fuming if my dh volunteered me for anything without my permission. Let alone that day! Your wife was very unreasonable.

"It was just this one event I wasn't sure which one of us was being a dick"

Your wife was being the dick. If this is a very rare occurrence than I guess it's not a big deal but I'd be pretty cross actually.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/12/2019 02:59

If it's any consolation to you, if my DH came home at that time of night and asked me to bake a cake for colleagues the next day, he'd get told he was getting a bought one whether he liked it or not.

You are very accommodating and your DW was taking the piss by not giving you more notice!

And yeah, it can definitely take that long to make a cake if you want it covered etc.

My favourite cake to make is a lovely chocolate cake - but there are several waiting stages, including making a cocoa slurry with boiling water that then has to cool down before adding it to the cake mix, plus the hour's baking time, and then the cooling after before it can be cut and filled and covered. 5 hours would be a minimum time for that!

YANBU to be pissed off. Next time tell her to give you fair warning or it will be shop bought, regardless.

mathanxiety · 30/12/2019 03:32

in what world does it take 5 hours to make a cake

That sounds about right for a cake plus icing. There is a lot of waiting for different stages to cool before you can proceed, both during the mixing and afterwards before icing it. Lots of icing needs refrigeration before it can be spread. Add in some putzing around time. Then you're going to have to clean up afterwards too.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/12/2019 04:38

Cakes take forever to cool. Most cannot be iced until at least down to room temperature. Entirely feasible it took til midnight. Maybe you should have made a lemon drizzle. Or better still no cake.

Vafanculo · 30/12/2019 05:08

Can I ask where you're from (totally off topic) where things need baking. It's not correct English. Is it colloquial to a particular part of England?
A lot of things 'need doing' I find too. Just pure curiosity as to what part of England seems to use this.

Vafanculo · 30/12/2019 05:09

Incidentally I think Cheryl Cole uses similar, so is it a Northern thing?

AgentProvocateur · 30/12/2019 05:13

Why are you wondering whether you “should have been pissed off” a week ago? Surely you were or you weren’t at the time. You’re really overthinking this. And you need to learn how to say no if you don’t want to do something.

Vafanculo · 30/12/2019 05:21

Some people have little to worry about @AgentProvocateur

kateandme · 30/12/2019 06:11

this would stress me out no end.to do it in one night became too much for me when everyone used to ask me to do them.so i quickly swithed to doing the cake bit the day before so it could properly cool.
but what i dont get is the reason behind this post.are you still hung up on it?even all these days later.unless this is often happening or similar this is one of those things in a marriage that flits in,flies over,gone kind of thing.

kateandme · 30/12/2019 06:13

Vafanculo oh i long for a moment this was my only problem and a worry i could give time to.

Vanhi · 30/12/2019 06:51

I'd have given my OH two options: shop bought, or a simple sponge cake if I had the ingredients to hand. No objection to last minute requests, but your wife should have understood that that might mean it's not possible to do.

Maybe she had shown off about your fabulous baking skills and didn't want to turn up with something shop bought, but in that case she should just have said so, not huffed about it.

Original poster

armitasp · 30/12/2019 09:17

To everyone who asks why I am worried about this when it was weeks ago. That's just the way I am. I try not to upset my wife but when I do I end up thinking about it for weeks, going over it in my head. Was I right, was I wrong? It is a trivial issue but not everything on here has to be a divorce issue :-) Thanks for the comments everyone

OP posts:

TimeIhadaNameChange · 30/12/2019 09:28

There's no way my DP would ask me such a request at the last minute. There was an event earlier this hear which required a homemade dish which he wanted to attend: he mentioned it sheepishly and would have been happy with a salad if that would have met the brief. (He's not a great cook and wouldn't have been confident enough to take something he'd made himself, and it definitely needed to be something homemade). No only did he feel bad about asking this of me, he also gave me plenty of notice.

There was another event more recently which was a similar scenario except shop-bought was definitely ok. I did offer to make something, but, seeing as how I'm pregnant he refused to let me and just bought something.

So he's not adverse to asking me something like this, but only when it's fair to do so.

Umberta · 30/12/2019 09:29

This happened to me once! One time I made a huge batch of crumble and gave some out frozen to friends/neighbours, it was a huge hit, spiced topping. So my DH went and told his personal trainer (who is more like a friend) and said he'd give him some next time they met. He only decided to tell me the night before but we'd finished it all up so I had to stay up late making more. Ahh, memory lane. My DH isnt a CF or entitled or rude. I think he nearly wept with panic as he crumbled the topping for the record his PT loved it and always showers us in little gifts!

Areyoufree · 30/12/2019 09:30

YABU. If you have the ability to make chocolate fudge icing, you have an obligation to share it with the world. With great power comes great responsibility.

Flipper1234 · 30/12/2019 09:32

Well I just think it’s lovely that you did make the cake and that your wife appreciated it! Sounds like she’d been praising your baking at work and wanted to show off your skills 🥰

victorioussponges · 30/12/2019 09:50

It would never occur to me to bake a cake or ask anyone else to bake one either... mr kipling and his ilk do a fab job; why take that away from them?

Yes, I like to think I'm doing Mr Kipling and co a favour

OP - YANBU. It sounds like you are very conscientious about not hurting your wife's feelings which is lovely, but there is still room for you to be a bit more direct about your own. "I love baking for you but there's not enough time to get started tonight and do it justice."

LittleBearPad · 30/12/2019 09:57

Your wife was being unreasonable.

Even if you agreed to do it she could have gone for the ingredients / cooked dinner.

Shop bought cake would have been fine too.

Man/woman-up next time, stop overthinking and move on

Piglet89 · 30/12/2019 10:17

@cybergran 🤣

1ToughCookie · 30/12/2019 14:07

Oooooo yum! Chocolate fudge cake? I'd wait a day for that and then eat myself to a tummy ache in ten minutes flat. It's with some asshatery for sure!

funnylittlefloozie · 30/12/2019 14:56

I think it was very kind of you to agree to make the cake, but possibly a little martyr-ish to spend 5 hours doing it! I wanted to test my new KitchenAid yesterday, so i made a lemon drizzle cake which took all of an hour. If i'd been asked to make a cake at such short notice, it definitely would not have been such an elaborate performance that i kept pondering on it a week later!

Newmetoday · 30/12/2019 15:03

I’d have to my DH to fuck if he had said a shop one wasn’t good enough. Stop being a doormat

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