Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU, me or brother

37 replies

nomdunchien · 29/12/2019 19:40

My brother and his partner have 3 dogs. (Small though not tiny). We both have two children, his are older than mine. The dogs predate all kids.

He flat out refuses to go anywhere without the dogs who are ‘his family’. They are not aggressive at all but very poorly behaved in other ways. They jump up on everyone, bark loudly and frequently, beg for food at meal times, grab food from the hands of children, jump up on the furniture and run around on it.

For years we’ve all mostly just eye rolled at this for the sake of avoiding a fallout but now, my youngest DS (2) is very nervous of them. They run at and around him, jumping up on him, licking his face, barking at him, sometimes knocking him off balance. Now he is very frightened that all dogs will behave in this way and freezes or cries if we see a dog while out, even if it’s some distance from him.

I now very very rarely take my kids to my brothers because I fully accept I have no say in where his dogs are/what they do in his house. His house, his rules.

However, much of our wider family life is centred around our fathers house. (We are a close family and live near one another). AIBU to expect that the dogs get left at home when we are all there together? My brother would say I’m being massively U to ask this. On the other hand I think not being with his dogs for a few hours at a time should be tolerable to him when it means one of the kids in the family isn’t spending the whole time upset and on edge.

Training the dogs is not an option. They are older now and he thinks they are perfect as they are.

OP posts:
Goodnamesalltaken · 29/12/2019 20:06

I'm not a dog person so maybe slightly biased here, but this is really not on. If you can't control your dogs around small children then they shouldn't be around them.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 29/12/2019 20:09

What does the rest of the family think about it?

SandyY2K · 29/12/2019 20:12

I don't get this nonsense of taking dogs everywhere with you.

It's bloody annoying. Humans before animals, especially children as far as I'm concerned. I have cats, my nieces are scared of them, so I keep the cats in another room when they visit.

CoffeeCoinneseur · 29/12/2019 20:13

I don't think you can dictate what goes on in your father's house.

All you can do is explain to your brother and father and take it from there.

You'd hope that your father would agree with you, and that seeing his grandchildren is more important to him than seeing your brothers dogs, but stranger things have happened.

It may mean that you only see your father when your brother and his dogs are not around.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 29/12/2019 20:18

The dogs aren't well behaved. Just because they haven't been aggressive doesn't mean they aren't capable of it. However it's your dad's house - if he isn't willing to leave the dogs at home you might have to choose.

selmabear · 29/12/2019 20:22

Wouldn't take my dog into anybody's home where there are small children, never mind people who are clearly afraid of dogs. I'd be on edge the entire time My dog isn't aggressive and is a massive love bug but you just never know. Its just not worth the risk

katmarie · 29/12/2019 20:23

I am a dog person. I have two, one great with kids, one less so. I also have a niece who is petrified of animals. So my beloved dogs stay home when we visit them, or when we go to my parents if niece is going to be there. Because as much as I think my dogs are brilliant, I'm able to understand that others, especially kids, dont feel the same and dont need to be tormented in order for me to be selfish.

Winterdaysarehere · 29/12/2019 20:29

Take a baby gate. Keep ddogs in the kitchen. If the humans don't agree just leave. And stay away.

Original poster
nomdunchien · 29/12/2019 20:49

Sorry I’m a long time lurker but first time poster. Not sure yet how to reply to people directly!! To the posters who asked about family/fathers views-

All family members except for brother and his partner think the dogs are poorly trained, and find the extent to which the dogs are humanised and must be included a bit... much. My dad is included in this general feeling but I doubt would ever in a million years actually ask my brother to leave the dogs behind. He very much just wants an easy life. My brother is very touchy about the dogs and is likely to have a massive strop and never go there again if he feels the dogs aren’t made as welcome as the rest of the family. My other family members know this is likely to be his position (based on previous more minor dog incidents), and also know that in contrast I am very unlikely to take a ‘never darkening the door again’ stance, no matter the issue. I’m always a bit anxious about upsetting people. Brother is.... not! So not asking him to leave them behind and risking my annoyance is the ‘easy’ option here.

It’s just so frustrating as this aside I very much enjoy my brothers company and have no desire to stop seeing him as often as I do. My kids love him too, and in all other ways he’s great with them. But I’m torn- despite my littlest one visibly struggling, the dogs being involved in every area of his life remains completely non negotiable for him. For context, these dogs amongst other things, have birthday parties with cakes and gifts, get Xmas presents from Santa, come for Xmas dinners, go on every holiday both UK and abroad, have had expensive photo shoots, were part of their wedding..... he often refers to his love for them as being equal to his love for his children. Apparently not joking! Reading this back I think maybe I am being a little unfair as I’m not particularly a dog person myself. It’s possible that his behaviour from my point of view seems much more unreasonable than it is because I don’t truly understand what he feels for them? 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/12/2019 20:52

Can you have some meet ups where dogs aren't allowed??

Annabk · 29/12/2019 20:55

Put one of these in your father’s house and sit whichever side of it the dogs are not on. Shutting dogs away in other rooms or out in a wet garden rarely works but a decent, practical room divider will allow your DS to relax.

Cherrysoup · 29/12/2019 20:57

Would he not listen to reason, as in ‘You see how scared my ds is, can you leave the dogs at home when I’m at dad’s?” If not, I fear this will come to boiling point.As a dog owner myself, I’d want to do some therapy with the dogs/ds, but I can understand you might not want to given how scared your ds is. For the sake of his future, tho, I’d say it’s a reasonable idea.

CoffeeCoinneseur · 29/12/2019 21:00

But I’m torn

You really shouldn't be.

You need to start putting your DS feelings before your brothers feelings for his dogs. As do your wider family.

Your DS is now terrified of dogs. What is there to be torn about?

From your update it seems you're not even prepared to ask the family for support in not allowing the dogs to be brought along to family events?

So I don't know what you're expecting.

midnightmisssuki · 29/12/2019 21:00

i have two dogs and agree with you. His dogs sound out of control - is he an awful owner?

Ponoka7 · 29/12/2019 21:00

How do the dogs react if you firmly tell them no?

Do you ever interject with a snarl or bark in your voice?

If you were a Mother dog and they were overdoing it with your pup, you'd be snapping at them and they'd back off.

They might be older dogs but you can get them to back off.

You can't avoid some fall out and as the dogs age, they may become more aggressive.

I don't understand out of control dogs, tbh. We've had all breeds of dogs in the family and they should never be allowed to dominate. It's storing up trouble for the future.

darndifino · 29/12/2019 21:01

Sorry love, but your brother is mental. Birthday parties for them? Ye gods. They are animals, not people.

FairyBatman · 29/12/2019 21:07

I’m very much a dog person and I think your brother is being VVVU. At the end of the day they are canine not human and they should be treated as such.

In the wild dogs live in packs with tight hierarchy and strict social rules and in a setting where their ‘pack’ is part human they need exactly the same.

FairyBatman · 29/12/2019 21:09

You could try a plastic bottle with gravel in. When they jump up or come near DD shake it. The noise will distract then and stop them in their tracks.

You won’t have to do it many times before they just leave you and DD alone.

Horehound · 29/12/2019 21:11

Are they spaniels?!

I love dogs but I agree with you op.

Dinosauraus · 29/12/2019 21:12

Dog lover here, with two energetic spaniels. I wouldn't expect to take my dogs to other peoples houses. My dogs are well trained but can still be silly and over excitable. If for any reason I did take my dogs to someone's house, I certainly wouldn't let them jump up at people, on furniture or children.

My MIL always brings her dogs to our house when she visits. Dog runs everywhere, up and down the stairs (we don't have them upstairs), jumps up at me and on our sofas, has knocked over DS before. I remember the daft thing jumping right on tummy when I was 8 months pregnant. I find the whole thing very annoying - I appreciate she doesn't want to leave the dog alone, but at least keep it on the lead if you can't keep him calm!!

I think your DB needs to be a bit more considerate to be honest.

Original poster
nomdunchien · 29/12/2019 21:17

@RandomMess we have tried that. He refuses to attend and then other family members cave in and the dogs get invited so that brother/partner/kids can all attend.

@midnightmisssuki I’m sorry, I don’t really know what you mean by a bad owner. I don’t have dogs myself, never have. I would say they are very loved and cared for dogs. They have happy lives... they are just allowed to bound about like puppies with no rules iyswim? I’d say that’s annoying rather than bad but I’m honestly not best placed to answer.

@CoffeeCoinneseur you are right. I am reluctant I think because I know that the support won’t be forthcoming and I fear that having made my big stand it will then leave me no choice but to withdraw from the family events myself when my preferences are ignored- which would be upsetting for me but more importantly devastating for both my DC the eldest in particular who would rather be with grandparents than pretty much anywhere else. I think my reason for posting here was (hopefully) to be told that I was not BU in feeling as I do about the dogs, to help build my resolve to tackle it a bit!

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 29/12/2019 21:20

His badly trained dogs are teaching other peoples children to be afraid of dogs, and that's not OK.

Original poster
nomdunchien · 29/12/2019 21:22

@Cherrysoup funny you say that, just yesterday I was asking an old friend how her dog would be with a child, in the hopes of introducing some calm quiet time with a sensible older dog. I don’t want this to become a lifelong fear for my DS, but I can’t see us being able to work on it with DBros dogs!!!

OP posts:
ALLMYSmellySocks · 29/12/2019 21:24

YANBU can't the dogs be in the garden or kept in the hallway at the very least?