Who is BU, me or brother

[nomdunchien]

My brother and his partner have 3 dogs. (Small though not tiny). We both have two children, his are older than mine. The dogs predate all kids.

He flat out refuses to go anywhere without the dogs who are ‘his family’. They are not aggressive at all but very poorly behaved in other ways. They jump up on everyone, bark loudly and frequently, beg for food at meal times, grab food from the hands of children, jump up on the furniture and run around on it.

For years we’ve all mostly just eye rolled at this for the sake of avoiding a fallout but now, my youngest DS (2) is very nervous of them. They run at and around him, jumping up on him, licking his face, barking at him, sometimes knocking him off balance. Now he is very frightened that all dogs will behave in this way and freezes or cries if we see a dog while out, even if it’s some distance from him.

I now very very rarely take my kids to my brothers because I fully accept I have no say in where his dogs are/what they do in his house. His house, his rules.

However, much of our wider family life is centred around our fathers house. (We are a close family and live near one another). AIBU to expect that the dogs get left at home when we are all there together? My brother would say I’m being massively U to ask this. On the other hand I think not being with his dogs for a few hours at a time should be tolerable to him when it means one of the kids in the family isn’t spending the whole time upset and on edge.

Training the dogs is not an option. They are older now and he thinks they are perfect as they are.

Oh this is just like my brother's dog. I was horrified on Friday when my SIL allowed the dog on her lap at the table when we were eating. How gross is that? I'm really worried about having the dog around my newborn in the summer as it jumps up, knocks kids over and steals food. I'm not sure what to suggest. Talk to your dad see how he feels. Can you suggest a walk if the dog gets too much? Ultimately your son must come first though. If your brother is that selfish then he won't see his nephew. Maybe the whole family could refuse to visit when the dogs are there? That might give him the kick he needs.

Please don’t make a frightened two year old suffer just for the sake of potentially upsetting your adult brother. I’d say either the dogs stay home or I do. Doesn’t have to descend into a fight, just state the facts.

I have this EXACT problem. My sisters dog. He’s a little shit. We’re dog people. We’ve had then for years. But this dog. He’s a nightmare. Grabs food off their hands. Licks the plates. Makes me want to throw up. My kids are terrified of him and now subsequently all other dogs

We’ve just stopped going over there. I’ve explained how I thought it’s a mistake. The dog is family apparently. But he’s a little shit.

I hate the way the dog had made them think of dogs. It’s so sad

Could you ask that he keeps the dogs on a lead in the house or keep them in one room with the door closed so your kids can keep away from them if they so choose. Maybe just have a quiet word and explain that it would just be till you youngest is older?

@ALLMYSmellySocks no... that would not be treating them as part of the family and he would up and leave. That exact scenario has happened in the past (pre DS when the adults were just a bit annoyed at the running in crazy circles on the good couches on one occasion)

@Pleatherandlace yes, I think it may come to that as of course DS must come first. To explain, it’s only been recently that it’s become apparent that DS is actually afraid of dogs. Before now he’s mostly just chosen to come sit on my knee when they are going crazy, but he didn’t appear to be upset. He does now, and as I say it’s now all dogs that bother him, not just those dogs. So it’s only now that it’s sort of reaching a head and I’m having to act. It’s not that I’ve been taking him there for months and months while he shakes and cries in a corner!!!

@Mrshue yes! It is so sad. Much as I’m not a dog person, I hate to see my little one frightened of them. I have always taught both children to be careful around dogs - as in, not to go running up to and patting strange dogs without checking with owner first- but not to be afraid of them. Dogs are so common and popular here, I hate to think of the impact such a fear might have on him going forward.

I am ok with not going to my brothers house. Really not a problem. What is hard (although necessary of course if I can’t persuade brother round to my point of view) is the loss of being able to go to the family ‘hub’ that my fathers house is. I know it wouldn’t be everyone’s cup of tea but we are all there several times a week, and every single family event is hosted there, always has been.

Oh. I hear ya. I really do. Exact same.

I miss the family hun. We’ve also taught our kids to never run up to dogs. Always ask ALWAYS ASK! before touching w dog. I feel like alll my hard work is down the drain. Kids won’t even go I to the house walking. They have to be carried. Which is so incredibly upsetting. They are truly terrified. The family make out that he’s a bad dog. It’s all fun and jokes. He bit my brother in law once. Because he got one of the kids toys. He’s eaten so much he makes himself sick. Constantly. Because he eats stuff he shouldn’t.

But most of all. He’s made my kids hate dogs. Scared of dogs.

Sigh

funny you say that, just yesterday I was asking an old friend how her dog would be with a child, in the hopes of introducing some calm quiet time with a sensible older dog. I don’t want this to become a lifelong fear for my DS, but I can’t see us being able to work on it with DBros dogs!!!

Tricky with his dogs who your ds is already scared of, but worth it. One of mine was the ‘community’ dog who used to just sit pathetically on the child’s feet, doing his ‘I’m a lovely dog’ impression. I used him a lot and my wee cousin got over his fear. It helped that the dog didn’t jump up/lick and was really calm. Definitely try it with your mate’s dog.

Maybe your family 'need' you to make this stand? It doesn't sound like the rest of the extended family like the dogs that much. Maybe sell it as a temporary solution whilst you work on your son's confidence around dogs?

If you don't make a stand then of course allowing this to continue is easiest for your father.

I and my whole family have dogs. My Mum's was funny once with dd and they've never been in the same house since. Yes it was a bit awkward at first but so what.

How vocal are you when the dogs are racing about your house and knocking your kids over? Rolling your eyes all these years is not great communication tbh. How about you have a very frank convo with bro but admit you were too complacent in the past. Figure out a middle ground for the visit to Dads (dogs kept in garden/kitchen) then put your foot down for your home. Scaring a child is unacceptable and ur bro should be aware of his pets impact too. Kids first, pets second.

Would it be worth sending your DF and your DB a joint email (sometimes these things work better in writing where you can say what you want to say without other people's emotions interjecting). Something along the lines of "I love your dogs. We all love you dogs. But DS is frightened of them to the point where he finds it distressing being around them - which I know is the last thing you would want. How can we best manage this so that everyone is happy and nobody is scared? How would you feel about the dogs staying in one specific room? Or using a baby gate to keep them apart?"