To speak to son about this?

[gsharmakrishnar]

I've namechanged as I know a friend is on here and I'll be recognised by my pp.

My son is 19 and has never had a girlfriend. One of his best friends comes over occasionally and they play xbox together/his friend has his dinner here etc. My youngest (16) told me that DS1 is gay and is with his best friend. He said he saw them kiss and saw messages on his phone. I do believe Ds2 as he doesn't lie and they both have a good relationship so I don't think hes Lying to wind him up.

Should I speak to him? Any advice would be appreciated.

No do not.

Wait for him to be ready to tell you.

Make it clear you are fine with whatever sexuality he is.

I do believe Ds2 as he doesn't lie

That's a very naive view, all children lie.

Should I speak to him?

No. If he wants to talk about it he will. Don't invade his privacy by discussing what might just be a rumour from his brother.

I’d wait until your son felt ready to approach you

Nope. If he is gay, then he isn't ready to speak to you about it, and his sexuality is his own business.
If and when he's ready he will tell you , but don't go pushing him to 'come out' he may be unsure of himself, unsure of others or just would prefer his private life to be just that!
I say that as the parent of one gay (married now) adult child, one other who is also most likely gay. If he is gay he will tell you if and when he feels the need.

No, don’t say anything. Let him tell you when he’s ready.

My ds never had a gf and he was about to start college I suggested him meeting new friends would maybe include a gf /bf. I said it wouldn't matter which as long as he was happy.
Siblings apparently knew he was gay from being very young.
I hadn't given it any thought tbh. He is happy with a bf and has been 'out' without a big announcement for years.
In a nut shell op none of your business tho I agree offering up support for any new budding relationship is a nice thing to do. Don't let on he has been busted just suggests asking the friend round more openly as in a family meal maybe?

My DD is gay and I am ashamed to say I handled it appallingly.

Luckily we got through it and we have a fab relationship now.

You have had some generally good advice on here, but it does of course depend on how "open" your house is. We talk about such matters fairly routinely and DS talks about relationship and sexual matters with us. My DS always knew that we have gay friends and that if he were gay then that would be fine. His big joke now is that he had to come out as straight to us.

No do not speak to him about it. It is none of your business unless he wishes to tell you.

No don't speak to him about it.

Also don't always believe your other child. Of course they lie.

just be a listening ear when it / if it's asked for.

I know all children lie but I don't think he'd just make up this rumour. We do have meals with his friend. I think he might be scared that I won't accept him but not sure how to tell him I do without telling him that I know he might be gay.

I actually disagree. I wouldn't say anything about your younger DS seeing or reading anything, but I might bring it up in a "hey, we really like your friend, if you're gay we'd welcome him as your BF and if you aren't we love him as your friend" kind of thing.

Found out my DS (15) has a girlfriend when he came home with a love bite the other day... They've been together a while and he didn't tell me because he thought I'd be annoyed?! I don't get it, his younger sister has already had her first girlfriend... Kids are weird. If it was me personally I would ask him because I wouldn't see it as a big deal.

I wouldn't tell him that Ds2 told me

Hmmm going against the grain I wouldn't make a big deal of it or initiate a conversation but wouldn't lie now you know. Similar experience with a work colleague (not the same I know), but after months of referring to her gf as friend a colleague simply said "so what are you and your gf doing for Xmas" and she blushed, answered and the treading on eggshells atmosphere at work improved for everyone including colleague who seemed much more relaxed.

Had she lied we wouldnt have pushed it, but definitely the right thing to do in our situation and better than continuing the lie.

Could you manage a breezy "We're having x for tea on Friday night, would your bf like to come?" whilst busily getting on with a job so no pressured eye contact?

Leave it alone.

I'd gently say something. He may be really worried you wouldn't be ok with it, no point the poor kid (possibly) torturing himself for no need!

Tell ds2 to stop invading his brother's privacy. Why was he looking at messages on his phone? If he saw something by accident, he should keep it to himself.

I wouldn't ask out right maybe say something subtle . You know your child better than us . I don't know maybe something like if you started a conversation about sexuality and said you wouldn't mind you are what you are but if your quite anti gay say he's not going to be very forthcoming.
My dd told me by writing it in a letter . I was quite cool with it I said if your happy I'm happy it was no bother to me why should it . It also maybe that your son hasn't decided yet as many struggle for a long time before coming out .

Leave it, it's entirely up to him when and where he decides to come out if he is gay. Putting pressure on him to say one way or the other is likely to be counterproductive.

I wouldn’t ask him directly & definitely don’t mention his friend as, if they are just friends, it could make your son feel so uncomfortable that he stops seeing his friend or inviting him round. I’d just make it clear that he can talk to you about anything without judgement, and that your love for him is unconditional.

also, there is good reason to believe that more people are bi than are actually either totally straight or totally gay
in our generation that would usually mean living your life out as straight- because you could
in the present generation they might well try both without wanting to be put in a pigeonhole

Maybe DS2 is telling you to see how you react so he can let DS1 know that you're ok with it. Posters regularly say not to mention it on threads like this but DH's nephew is gay and I know he would have loved if his family had made it very obvious that they would be supportive.

He's 19 OP- an adult. Having a relationship at 19 is beyond normal, who it is with is neither here nor there (unless you're a homophobe)

Your DS2 shouldn't be gossiping. I would just carry on as normal, be welcoming to his friend or boyfriend whichever it is and perhaps tell him that you had noticed they seem very close, and reassure him that you are happy for him and think it is lovely. Not much more needs to be said and that says it all- perhaps he will be more forthcoming after that, or perhaps he isn't sure exactly what the nature of his sexuality is in any permanence. I'm sure he will appreciate your support.