To speak to son about this?

[gsharmakrishnar]

I've namechanged as I know a friend is on here and I'll be recognised by my pp.

My son is 19 and has never had a girlfriend. One of his best friends comes over occasionally and they play xbox together/his friend has his dinner here etc. My youngest (16) told me that DS1 is gay and is with his best friend. He said he saw them kiss and saw messages on his phone. I do believe Ds2 as he doesn't lie and they both have a good relationship so I don't think hes Lying to wind him up.

Should I speak to him? Any advice would be appreciated.

Tell ds2 to stop invading his brother's privacy.

This! I would be very disappointed if one of my DC snooped in the other and read their messages, then came running to me to tell me about it.

I do believe Ds2 as he doesn't lie

But he does spy on his brother’s phone messages.

Perhaps DD2 is gay and made it up to check your response.

*DS2

This is the reason why since my kids were little I have always said "when you have a girlfriend or boyfriend..." I really hope should one of them be gay they would not feel the need of a big reveal as ether option was always mentioned as normal, but who knows, there's not just us in the world and they may still feel awkward

Why is DS2 looking at the messages on his brothers phone?

I assume he did it without him knowing, otherwise DS1 would know that he knows.

No I wouldn’t say anything in your position. I am really surprised his brother told you that? I have two teen sons, they wouldn’t tell me anything private about each other. What does your instinct tell you OP?

You definitely need to speak to your son. The one who has snooped and now told you a completely confidential piece of information.

Just be there for your eldest and as and when he wants to talk to you, he will.

Would you say anything if his BF was a girl and your DS2 found out they were in a relationship. Would you mention it or leave it?

I would probably just randomly say

‘you do know, it doesn’t matter if it’s women/men that you love, I’ll love you just the same- right?’

And leave the room.

You’ll give him an opportunity to feel empowered to tell you.

Ds2 wasn't invading his privacy. He accidently saw them kiss and he saw the messages because he thought it was his phone (they both had the same case). His friend is going to come over tomorrow.

From a mother of a gay son - wait
That’s it

I still don't believe it was an accident but there we go. He's still invading his privacy by telling you.

he saw the messages because he thought it was his phone (they both had the same case)

Is that what he told you?

He accidently saw them kiss and he saw the messages because he thought it was his phone (they both had the same case).

Accident or not, he should respect his brother's privacy and not talk about it to anyone else.

Just continue to act normally and welcoming.
Perhaps, mention how nice his friend is in general conversation and how glad you are they get on so well. Just positive affirmation of whatever relationship they have.

Don't say "friends" or "friendship" as he may think you are trying to label them as friends and nothing more - could make him think you are against him having a relationship with his friend.

It's bloody hard being a parent isn't it? Always worried about putting our foot in it!

Could you just start showing more of an interest in his friend? Ask if he wants to come for dinner, how he is, just generally show more interest than normal? Say how nice he is and how much you like seeing him, etc.

@WaterSheep I don’t think how her ds saw the messages is really relevant to what she’s asking. If she was bothered about that, I’m sure it would be a different thread

I wouldn’t even mention it, maybe he thinks it’s a non issue himself and that’s why he hasn’t spoke to you about it. Is DS2 has seen him kissing a girl and read a message from a girl what would your approach be? Surely you wouldn’t even give it a second thought until he told you about her, this is no different.

I don’t think how her ds saw the messages is really relevant to what she’s asking

I didn't say it mattered, but the only reason the OP has made the thread is because of the say so of her DS2. Who has apparently seen messages on his phone and a kiss, accidentally of course.

Well my mum suspected my DB was gay so she asked him. He was relieved to let it out. It depends what sort of relationship you guys have. He might welcome the opportunity to speak without the burden of having to raise it himself, especially if he is unsure of the reaction.

You should do nothing, your son at 19 is probably still figuring all of this out himself and deserves to navigate this in his own time in his own way. Just wait until he's ready to tell you.

Also, I do think it's right to have a conversation about boundaries and gossiping with your younger son, he shouldn't be spying or reading messages! You say he thought it was his phone, it doesn't take you to read a full thread of messages before you realise it's not your phone, you know by the screensaver!! So he was snooping!

I wouldn’t ask unless the topic came up naturally in conversation.

Be supportive and if homosexuality is discussed on tv etc, make you sure you are supportive and positive.

I do speak to him when he's here and ask him how he is but then after he goes upstairs with DS1. If it was a girl Ds2 told me about I'd probably tell him she was welcome etc.

he saw the messages because he thought it was his phone

The second he realised it wasn’t his phone he should have stopped looking, not gone and shared the messages with you.