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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS and his girlfriend

72 replies

toffeenose · 29/12/2019 15:12

DS is 22. He's always been very private and hated us knowing anything about his friends. We met his last girlfriend who came for dinner several times, no problems at all. He now has a new girlfriend who works with him. He brings her back after work and keeps her in his room, emerges late morning to bring her a coffee. He doesn't have an en suite so she must at some point need a wee or want to brush her teeth but we never see her. Then we hear the front door go and they're gone.

This morning I said he should allow her to roam the house freely and we would just say hello. He said, no we're going out. I explained it's rude to keep her in his room (which smells like teen) for her and for us. I heard the door go about half an hour later.

Is it me or is this not on?

OP posts:

Rezie · 29/12/2019 17:31

That's weird. I don't understand how come your son thinks this is ok. I'm also baffled on why a grown woman agrees to be treated like this by her boyfriend.

Normal humans no matter what age come and say hello to all the people in the house. Exchange few pleasantries and then go to the room. They also usually pop downstairs to have a cuppa.

Palavah · 29/12/2019 17:36

Even if he, or she, has social anxiety that's not an excuse for this basic rudeness towards you.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 29/12/2019 17:40

My DSs have both brought GFs home to stay overnight. It would have been totally unacceptable in our family for them not to be introduced to me. Randoms are not allowed to sleep over - only established partners.

I wouldn't put up with it, OP.

MiniEggAddiction · 29/12/2019 17:46

Even if he, or she, has social anxiety that's not an excuse for this basic rudeness towards you.

If she had social anxiety you'd be a bit of a dick to insist on making her anxious, but in that scenario most likely DS would have explained the situation and you all could have come up with a way of making you all feel comfortable. It's more likely DS is just trying to keep his life completely private - which I can understand but just isn't possible when you live in someone else's house.

SilverySurfer · 29/12/2019 17:47

Well, we know which way ohwheniknow voted. Do you ever suddenly wonder that if every other person has an opposing view to you that yours is wrong?

OP, I wouldn't tolerate that in my home, not that I have children. Personally I would remove the door to his room and tell him he can have it back when he a) removes all litter, b) crockery is put in the dishwasher, c) bedding is washed d) he introduces his girl friend to you. It makes you wonder what sort of woman would last five minutes in such a filthy room.

And stick to it. I don't know how else you will get this resolved - he sounds more like 15 than 22.

theoldtrout01876 · 29/12/2019 18:02

When my Ds2 first started dating his partner they were staying over her parents house. They were 17 or 18 at the time. She had obviously not mentioned he would be staying and had gotten back after her parents were in bed. My son got up through the night to get water and use the bathroom etc but hadnt put any lights on so as not to disturb her parents. He walked round a corner face first into the muzzle of a gun, her father had heard him and called the cops thinking he was an intruder.
He was introduced to her parents that night and they were always informed there after

Pop2017 · 29/12/2019 18:05

Maybe she could be a little shy?

Mrsjayy · 29/12/2019 18:13

Not that shy that she is fine with walking into her boyfriends parents house and stay the night

travellover · 29/12/2019 18:32

It's rude but I think the fact your son is hiding her away probably makes me her feel awkward to come out and speak to you so I can understand why she hasn't made any communication, I don't see why your son would do that though, they're all adults

Susiebluesy · 29/12/2019 18:33

It is rude, but I sympathise my son is the same

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 29/12/2019 18:33

Also, he's adopted, attachment issues, etc. etc. makes threats of kicking out more loaded.

This is really significant. Unfortunately a lot of posters telling you issue ultimatums, throw him out on the street or remove the door to his room (wtf?) will not understand how significant as there's a lot of ignorance about attachment issues and the fact they they follow you throughout your life, they don't just end when you become an adult.
People are commenting that he "sounds like a teenager", but some young people in their 20's are very much still in the adolescent phase of emotional and social development for many reasons and OP's DS may be one of them.

I agree that it's not on. It's disrespectful to you and to his GF who must feel so awkward being ushered out the door for fear anyone catches sight of her. But I don't think threats or big, dramatic gestures like taking his bedroom door away are the way to go. Your DS needs to be helped to understand why his behaviour isn't ok, followed by a calm discussion about exactly what needs to change and then time to process what's been said.

lisag1969 · 29/12/2019 18:38

Maybe she is shy. X

MereDintofPandiculation · 29/12/2019 18:42

it's downright rude and unacceptable of your adult son to bring back people to your home without invitation from you, or without notice. Come off it, he's an adult! It would be nice for him to introduce his gf to the other adults in the household, but he's too old to have his Mum deciding which of his friends to invite.

MereDintofPandiculation · 29/12/2019 18:46

Well, we know which way ohwheniknow voted. Do you ever suddenly wonder that if every other person has an opposing view to you that yours is wrong? Do you ever consider that the most popular option might not be the right one?

Anotherusefulname · 29/12/2019 18:53

Is she much younger than him? When I was 17 and DH was 26 I was terrified of meeting my now PIL and DH snuck me in and out until I turned 18

DDIJ · 29/12/2019 18:56

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

LahndonTown · 29/12/2019 18:59

When I was at school a friend of mine had a similar situation going on with her older brother. He was. Bringing his girlfriend back to the family home and hiding her away everytime. The mum tried to meet her and cooked a really lovely meal for them but instead they hid out in the bedroom. Turned out she was a bit older and married. In your case OP it's very rude.

Ibizafun · 29/12/2019 19:00

ohwheniknow I agree with you, I certainly would not be making my adult child homeless and even if I were to contemplate that, it would have to be for something far worse than rudeness. I wonder how many of the people on here who advise that would in practice do that to their own??

Op get him at a time he’s relaxed and tell him it really upsets you, that you’re not asking much, just to say hello! If no joy, rather than chuck him out I’d wait till he’s bundling her out one morning and speak directly to her, saying hello and did she have a good nights sleep. I doubt she’d dare ignore you.

Rezie · 29/12/2019 19:18

If I still lived at home and was dating someone I would want to keep it a secret (too young, old, married, shy etc.) I wouldn't try to sneak them in the house where my parents live. I'd be having sex and hanging out somewhere else.

I know it's the sons home aswell but I would find it odd if my mum brought a friend over and we were not introduced.

Wereallsquare · 29/12/2019 19:22

I was the girlfriend in this scenario. I was very underage.

I am sorry that happened to you. Jesus.

OP, get to the bottom of this immediately. There may be an innocent explanation, but how would you feel if it wasn't?

Cryalot2 · 29/12/2019 19:44

There may be a lot of reasons, but only your son can tell you.
Does he want to keep a secret because; he is not sure they are The One, you know them or their family , or they are not female.
If he has issues he needs councelling.
It is both your homes and a compromise should be reached.
Ds is older and currently at home and says he will not bring anyone home until they are certain. I accept that, ,( he would have to tidy his room to get anyone in, unless they were an acrobat )

MereDintofPandiculation · 29/12/2019 23:17

DS can bring home who he likes. If I run into the both of them, I'd expect him to introduce us, if I run into her alone I'd introduce myself, but I wouldn't expect him to go out of the way to find me so she could be introduced. And I certainly wouldn't expect him to ask permission first.

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