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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS and his girlfriend

72 replies

toffeenose · 29/12/2019 15:12

DS is 22. He's always been very private and hated us knowing anything about his friends. We met his last girlfriend who came for dinner several times, no problems at all. He now has a new girlfriend who works with him. He brings her back after work and keeps her in his room, emerges late morning to bring her a coffee. He doesn't have an en suite so she must at some point need a wee or want to brush her teeth but we never see her. Then we hear the front door go and they're gone.

This morning I said he should allow her to roam the house freely and we would just say hello. He said, no we're going out. I explained it's rude to keep her in his room (which smells like teen) for her and for us. I heard the door go about half an hour later.

Is it me or is this not on?

OP posts:

ukgift2016 · 29/12/2019 15:44

Normal for a teenager but not a grown man.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/12/2019 15:47

What everyone else has already said, plus I feel quite sorry for his girlfriend. From her point of view, she must be wondering if he's somehow ashamed of her since he hides her from his parents, and her self-esteem can't be great to allow this.

cheesewitheverything · 29/12/2019 15:51

The point about her language is interesting and I feel it might be relevant somehow but not sure quite why. Maybe she is avoiding authority somehow, anxious about her status here? Or he just doesn't want his mum chatting to his gf without him knowing what they are saying - worried what she might tell you?

Bluerussian · 29/12/2019 15:51

Isn't it time he thought of leaving home? I know young adults stay with parents longer nowadays because of economics but even so, they must surely have a few house rules to bide by.

Give him an ultimatum.

Crunchymum · 29/12/2019 15:52

My DP still lived at home and I barely saw his parents when we started dating (big house, loo on same floor as his bedroom, he did all the food for us etc and had a fridge in his room)

No-one went out of their way to avoid each other. His mum often did night shifts (she was a nurse) and his dad was and still is a very introverted person.... would never seek out people / company.

13 years, 3 kids later I adore my inlaws and we laugh about whether DP was embarrassed of me or them

Cynderella · 29/12/2019 16:26

Two of my adult children live at home - they're older than 22. Neither has ever brought home anyone without them at least putting a head around the door and saying hello. Overnights are by arrangement and would never be someone we hadn't met.

In the same way, if we were having someone to stay overnight, we would mention it to everyone else in the house before they arrived. If one of them walks in and we have guests, they come in and say hello.

It's basic manners.

FruitcakeOfHate · 29/12/2019 16:28

Why are you allowing an adult to behave like this in your house?! WTF? He needs to be told to move out. You have a small child and he shits all over your hospitality. Time for him to grow up. Even without the girlfriend, he's treating your home like a doss. Fuck that.

HardofCleaning · 29/12/2019 16:28

Unless she has massive social anxiety it would be polite for him to introduce her to the family if she's going to be staying. If I bump into someone on the way to the loo in the night I'd at least like to recognise who it is!

Christmasnamechange19 · 29/12/2019 16:33

Older woman and he's worried about what you might think?

Time to knock on the door when you know she's in there, or take up a sentry post by the front door/bottom of the stairs.

ohwheniknow · 29/12/2019 16:38

It's his home too. It's not just your home.

That's the deal when you decide to have a child, your home is now their home. You don't get to pull power trips that threaten homelessness if they don't bow to your will as king of the castle.

It's such a fucked up attitude to treat your own children like homeless vagrants who you reserve the right to kick out of "your" house whenever they piss you off.

He's an adult. It's rude of you not to respect him the way you wish to be respected. Agree house rules together, as an adult negotiation between equal parties who are all listened to and respected.

I wouldn't be taking advice from people whose first response is to threaten homelessness to their own child. Attachment issues or not, it's nasty and damaging.

Tistheseason17 · 29/12/2019 16:38

Er.... WTAF - your house, your rules. If he does not like them he can go a be a grown up and have his own rules when he pays all the bills etc.

It's just plain rude.

anonnancy · 29/12/2019 16:40

I'm 26 and have been with my partner since I was 20. I lived with my parents until I was 23-24 and my mum and dad would not have allowed me to bring him home willy nilly without them knowing about it first.

It was their house, their rules and I respected that.

I think you should have a chat with him and explain that if he wants to bring girlfriends home then he at least needs to introduce her to you so you know who is in your house!

I remember once I bought my boyfriend home after a night out without telling my mum (we'd been together for well over a year and he had even come away with me and my parents!) and she was not happy! I always made sure from then on that they knew what was going on!

And from a girlfriend perspective, I would be really put off if my boyfriend didn't want me to meet his parents but expect me to be cooped up in his bedroom all the time.... it's not like they're teens?!

Aragog · 29/12/2019 16:42

Even if he was a teenager it would be rude. DD is 17y and, when her boyfriend visits, he always comes and says hello, will have a drink or food with us, etc.

I wouldn't want a stranger in my home, who I hadn't even been allowed to say hello too. Maybe your son needs to consider if it is time for him to find his own home if he isn't willing to be polite and courteous to others who live in the house.

FruitcakeOfHate · 29/12/2019 16:45

Oh, FFS, having a child does not mean you have to put up with whatever behaviour they dole out for the duration of your life. He's 22 not 12! LOL at 'threaten homelessness'. Diddums. Nasty and damaging to not put up with someone treating your home like a doss house. I've heard it all now.

WhenOneDoorClosesAnotherOpens · 29/12/2019 16:51

Wereallsquare Sun 29-Dec-19 15:42:15 I do not understand how your son can have such poor manners in YOUR home. Why are you ALLOWING this to happen?

^This is exactly what I was thinking.

Original poster

toffeenose · 29/12/2019 16:53

Yes, I think we need to have a chat. I particularly agree with Hardofcleaning I did wonder what would happen if I bumped into her in the night...

OP posts:

Original poster

toffeenose · 29/12/2019 16:57

ohwhenIknow, is that you DS you're going to be late for work

OP posts:

GiveHerHellFromUs · 29/12/2019 16:59

I can't believe so many posters are suggesting kicking him out.

Just tell him she's not welcome until you've been introduced.

Or put your key in the lock on the inside so he has to knock on the door when they get back and force the introduction that way

Loveislandaddict · 29/12/2019 17:14

Are you sure she’s a she, and not a he...?

selmabear · 29/12/2019 17:17

That's really weird OP. How has she not said anything or demanded to meet you?! Remind him its your house and you're uncomfortable with having someone you've never met stopping over regularly.

Wereallsquare · 29/12/2019 17:21

He's an adult. It's rude of you not to respect him the way you wish to be respected. Agree house rules together, as an adult negotiation between equal parties who are all listened to and respected.

! Piss-taking at its finest!

Arthritica · 29/12/2019 17:24

He's disrespecting you, your home and your girlfriend.

Unless he additional needs we don't know about and has anxieties or issues that would explain the aversion to people meeting, Your son is behaving badly. The other people in the house deserve more consideration.

Mrsjayy · 29/12/2019 17:25

I wouldn't allow that I know it's his home too blah blah but to not even say mum this is "Emma" Emma says hello , but to just to sneak her in andout nah

lowlandLucky · 29/12/2019 17:29

You allow this to happen under your roof !

ForalltheSaints · 29/12/2019 17:30

Even if it was a platonic friend and they were just visiting for a couple of hours say to watch a film they streamed, you should be introduced even if very briefly.

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