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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Controlling in laws or AIBU?

32 replies

ISawNessie · 29/12/2019 14:55

DH & I have been married for 10 years, have 2 children. DH works away. His parents live 10 mins drive away. They are nice enough, always willing to help out etc so know we are lucky but I find them over bearing & want to see us every weekend. Sometimes they don’t seem to understand that we have plans & if I say sorry we are busy they don’t like it- will continue to push for other times or dates. I understand they want to see the kids but they seem them a lot!

Over the years with Xmas they insist we spend time together on Xmas eve, Xmas day & Boxing Day. For them it’s all about food, no interest in going out for walks or playing games. FIL is obsessed with over feeding kids - even when it’s not xmas & doesn’t listen when I tell him to stop. Last year I said to DH it was too much & could we just have our own family day on Boxing Day. This went ahead & it was lovely. I suggested we do it again this year & DH said he made it clear to them we would do our own thing.

We were invited over to theirs for lunch on 22nd as DH sibling wouldn’t be here at Xmas. Saw them again briefly 23rd, Xmas eve they were at ours for 4-5hours. As they left Xmas eve MiL announced they would arrive in the morning at 930. I said that was too early, so they arrived after 1030.
Apparently on Xmas Day whilst DH & MiL were in the kitchen alone she told him they had got lots of food in for Boxing Day & we were to come over to theirs. DH told me he said was surprised but felt he couldn’t say no as they had got the food in. I didn’t find our until we were tucking into our Xmas dinner & she said yes you are all to come over tomorrow for lunch. I didn’t know what to say & felt so annoyed but didn’t want to argue in front of the kids. I asked DH why changes & said she just brought it on him.

I said to DH this wasn’t fair & he agrees but can’t say no or doesn’t want to argue which I understand. It was meant to be our little family day. I just feel that she planned it as we saw them everyday from 22nd & no mention of it- in a controlling way. Sorry for ranting!

OP posts:
Cryingoverspilttea · 29/12/2019 14:58

Just say no, jesus christ. Why didn't you put your foot down?

Original poster
ISawNessie · 29/12/2019 14:59

I really wish I had.

OP posts:
SonEtLumiere · 29/12/2019 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

messolini9 · 29/12/2019 15:03

felt he couldn’t say no as they had got the food in

Of course he could.

"Shame you got so much food in when you knew we had planned to have Boxing Day at home with just the kids."

Is he usually feebleminded, or just used to caving in to his parents?

Lollypop701 · 29/12/2019 15:03

Generally, food freezes. If she manages to get her own way then she will continue her behaviour. Ball really is in your court...

mbosnz · 29/12/2019 15:05

The extra food should have remained their problem, rather than becoming yours.

Wheelerdeeler · 29/12/2019 15:08

You need your own family time. I see in dh family as they spent so much time with his grandparents and extended family that now, as a family unit (pil & their children) they dont know how to interact with each other. They never got to know each other.

katy1213 · 29/12/2019 15:08

'We're hiking up a very steep mountain, need to work off those calories. You're welcome to join us!"

TheReluctantCountess · 29/12/2019 15:12

Can you hold off seeing them for a while now? Sounds like you’ve seen a lot of them over the festive season.

mummyway · 29/12/2019 15:22

I would say you are being unreasonable to yourself by being a doormat and letting your mil and dh walk all over you. Clearly the mil had no intw tikn of letting you have a say in her plans and your dh enables her and you enable your dh
Stop being the doormat. What ni d of example are you setting for your kids.
If you are a grown up woman. With enough I dependence and sense to have privreated and married etc then why in God's name can you not stand up to this bully. Grow a spine ffs

RandomMess · 29/12/2019 15:24

From now on give them the choice of CE, CD or BD - tell them the other 2 days you will will have other plans but out of consideration they can choose which day they would prefer to spend with you 🤬

Definitely a DH problem though, but you also didn't stand your ground why is that?

mummyway · 29/12/2019 15:25

Sorry about the typos on phone and recovering ng from flu

DukeChatsworth · 29/12/2019 15:29

Seriously?! Just say no ffs. Let them sulk if they wish and tell your DH to grow a spine.

Motoko · 29/12/2019 15:36

You need to start putting your foot down. They've trained their son to always do what they tell him to do, so he's going to find it hard to go against his training, but he must. He's a grown man with a family of his own, his parents wants should come behind his own family's wants and needs.

You were not unreasonable to want some quiet time to yourselves on Boxing Day, but it's happened now, so time to change things from now on. Stop seeing them every weekend, and don't give in to emotional blackmail. Read the books by Susan Forward, Toxic Families, and Toxic Inlaws.

Until your husband can say no to them, it's going to be down to you to put boundaries in place, even if it makes you look like the bad guy, and puts your husband in the middle.

GloriousGoosebumps · 29/12/2019 15:37

Why is it that Dh's sibling is allowed to spend Christmas elsewhere but Dh has to spend every day with his parents? And why does Dh see his sibling being assertive and not see that he can do the same?

PlanDeRaccordement · 29/12/2019 15:37

Lol. Your MIL separated the weak one from the herd and pounced. Your MIL deliberately cornered your DH alone and applied emotional thumbscrews as only a mother can do.
You may have lost the battle this year, but the war is not lost.
I agree with upping the ante and telling the ILs they get CE, CD or BD. And they need to pick by October or you and your DH will pick for them.

Nothing good is easily won. Just have a pep talk with your DH and shoot for a better outcome next year.

Original poster
ISawNessie · 29/12/2019 15:38

Thank you all for the replies. I didn’t say anything at the table at the time because I didn’t want to start a row in front of the children (my parents are divorced but argued a lot when I was growing up).

But that’s no reason why not to stand up for myself. I know what I will be working on from now on!!!

OP posts:
Letsnotusemyname · 29/12/2019 15:38

Put this Christmas down as a learning experience.

Next year - Oct or Nov - plan out the days in question. Do this with them so you've both got the dates etc on paper. Refer back to these in Nov/Dec.

Take account of visitors flying in but also add in your own time/activities

Don't mention going for a walk in as few words - if it’s wet they’ll invite you over on the day.

Start new traditions - on your terms. ie Boxing day tea from 5pm. (If you have it from lunch they'll be over ALL day. Say its from 5 because......... or .....as you’ll be........

It can be hard to break traditions but it can be done.

All the best.

Original poster
ISawNessie · 29/12/2019 15:39

Thank you I will ge checking those out!

OP posts:
Chickychickydodah · 29/12/2019 15:42

Just take the kids out for along walk , forget your watch and phones and call round when you’re done

billy1966 · 29/12/2019 15:52

Honestly OP, there is a pair of you in it.
Are ye adults or children?
Being bossed around like that.
Frankly, there isn't anyone I want to see that much over Christmas and it certainly doesn't sound like much fun for your children who have a father working away.

Have a think about this.

Majority of people would not accept this.
No need for a row at the table " you must be confused MIL, we have plans for tomorrow".....on a loop if needs be.
End of.

Alsohuman · 29/12/2019 15:57

Do you have to be alone to go out for a walk or play board games? We do them and people can either join in or not.

DPotter · 29/12/2019 16:03

I agree with all other pp - you need to stand up for yourself.

Would have been totally fine to say 'Sorry MIL, there's been a misunderstanding here. We're having Boxing day to ourselves' and repeat, repeat, repeat. That's not arguing.
Maybe you could look into some assertiveness training for yourself. Sounds like your DH has a long journey to make to being able to stand up to his mother. In the meantime, let her know that no plans are firmed until he has checked them with you.

cptartapp · 29/12/2019 16:09

PIL live next door to SIL and Dc and have been overinvolved in every aspect of their lives for years. Now teens they are struggling with over-familiarisation. There is no special grandparent relationship, the GP are just seen as an irritation who don't know when to back off. Worrying too for SIL who is so beholden for all the 'help' and involvement over the years, and fears how much payback they'll expect in the not so distant future.
You must say no. You must risk upsetting them and you must do it soon. Your wants take priority. And do not get bogged down in set visiting patterns and routines. You will never break them.

BorissGiantJohnson · 29/12/2019 16:09

You don't just have a short problem, you have a YOU problem! You should have just said no.

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