Controlling in laws or AIBU?

[ISawNessie]

DH & I have been married for 10 years, have 2 children. DH works away. His parents live 10 mins drive away. They are nice enough, always willing to help out etc so know we are lucky but I find them over bearing & want to see us every weekend. Sometimes they don’t seem to understand that we have plans & if I say sorry we are busy they don’t like it- will continue to push for other times or dates. I understand they want to see the kids but they seem them a lot!

Over the years with Xmas they insist we spend time together on Xmas eve, Xmas day & Boxing Day. For them it’s all about food, no interest in going out for walks or playing games. FIL is obsessed with over feeding kids - even when it’s not xmas & doesn’t listen when I tell him to stop. Last year I said to DH it was too much & could we just have our own family day on Boxing Day. This went ahead & it was lovely. I suggested we do it again this year & DH said he made it clear to them we would do our own thing.

We were invited over to theirs for lunch on 22nd as DH sibling wouldn’t be here at Xmas. Saw them again briefly 23rd, Xmas eve they were at ours for 4-5hours. As they left Xmas eve MiL announced they would arrive in the morning at 930. I said that was too early, so they arrived after 1030.
Apparently on Xmas Day whilst DH & MiL were in the kitchen alone she told him they had got lots of food in for Boxing Day & we were to come over to theirs. DH told me he said was surprised but felt he couldn’t say no as they had got the food in. I didn’t find our until we were tucking into our Xmas dinner & she said yes you are all to come over tomorrow for lunch. I didn’t know what to say & felt so annoyed but didn’t want to argue in front of the kids. I asked DH why changes & said she just brought it on him.

I said to DH this wasn’t fair & he agrees but can’t say no or doesn’t want to argue which I understand. It was meant to be our little family day. I just feel that she planned it as we saw them everyday from 22nd & no mention of it- in a controlling way. Sorry for ranting!

Not short problem, I meant a dh problem. No idea what my autocorrect thinks it's doing there!

Oh I would hate this! Precious family time is so important to me. We have one day over Christmas just to ourselves and it's lovely.

When Christmas comes up next year, both of you together tell them that you will be having a family day together on your own on x day. Insist that this is really important to you all and you will not be changing your plans. Spell it out crystal clear as a united front.

Or go away on holiday for the whole thing! (Just make sure you're very vague with the location!)

If you're always seeing inlaws, when do you see your side of the family?

Sorry MIL, there's been a misunderstanding here. We're having Boxing day to ourselves' and repeat, repeat, repeat.

This! ^

Assert yourself! Protect your family time. If they protest, try this:

But we've got food in!

Oh that's such a shame! But we're having Boxing Day to ourselves. And it's a new tradition will shall be doing every year.

But what will we do with all the food?

I don't know, maybe it'll freeze? Or see if anyone else is around, as we're having Boxing Day to ourselves.

We were really hoping you'll be able to come over for lunch! Would be nice to see you all.

I know! But we've seen each other lots over Christmas, haven't we. And we're having Boxing Day to ourselves.

I'm really upset you can't come.

I know! Me too. But we're having Boxing Day to ourselves.

And repeat ad infinitum!

@simplekindoflife thank you

I didn’t say anything at the table at the time because I didn’t want to start a row in front of the children

You didn’t need to start a row, you just needed to say no. I know it’s hard, and not the English way, but being assertive is a very calm thing, just calmly state
“ no , tomorrow is our family day remember, we won’t be spending it with you” .
Keep reiterating that you have spoken about it before, and she knows you won’t be coming.

Unless you assert yourself, which you can do calmly and politely, she knows she can steam roller you.

I have a similar issues with my in laws except that once we come to visit during the Christmas holiday, my MIL will insist we stay until the New Year! This year I've deliberately made plans after Boxing Day and told her in advance. She still tried to persuade us but me and DH stood firm on it.