Showing my age now but back when I was a kid there was a show called Crackerjack. For those of you who remember it, I have way too many cabbages right now and am at very real risk of dropping everything. This is also very outing (even with name change) but that is low on my list of priorities so here goes.
Rewind to this time last year... DM was in hospital with end stage metastatic cancer. Christmas was spent in and out of the hospital to visit her and trying to come to terms with the inevitable. On new year's day our youngest dog collapsed and died out of the blue. At 2am I was driving back from handing him over to the ooh vet when the hospital called to say DM had contracted pneumonia and might not make it through the night. Never dealt with my emotions over the dog as I had no space to, even when telling our then 6 year old.
We lost DM later in the January just days after getting her home to us.
Fast forward back to now. We have just the emotional roller coaster of our first Christmas without DM. It was OK, we had friends over on Christmas day to avoid the 'empty seat' but it was still tough. Our other dog had started collapsing on 23rd. On Boxing day we found out he has cancer and palliative care is the only option. We don't know how long he has. I had to break the news, gently, to our DD who has already lost so much.
I'm lucky that, as a teacher, I still have another week off but I will be going back to a middle management position in a department that has a number of long term absences and is due Ofsted at any time. The workload and stress are already crippling.
DH has complex PTSD and can't work. I'm the only one bringing any income into the family. We are now facing additional monthly bills of around £200 for our boy's supplements in addition to the original vet bill of over £400. We can't afford it but can manage it.
This dog was DH's therapy and pulled him through some dark times with his PTSD. I'm terrified of how his grief will manifest. I know that I will have to carry everyone, just as DH carried me after DM passed, but I know I'm not strong enough to do it. I've already got way too much to deal with and can't see how this won't push me over the edge. I've had a breakdown many years ago and know the early signs - which are already here.
I want to ask my GP to put me back on citalopram (been off it over 10 years) to give me a bit of mental space to try to get a grip on everything. Do you think they would be able to appreciate that this is a culmination of many events? I feel a bit of a fraud if they will think I'm asking because the dog is going to die. I also feel bad not needing this after DM died but needing it now. I just feel like every time I get my head above water this last year something else happens to shove me back under.