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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Clear the air or leave it?

43 replies

AgentJohnson · 29/12/2019 10:08

To cut a long story short. I have a agreed to DD staying with her grandparents a few hours away for three days. This will be the first time she’s stayed with them (in 10 years) since I went to collect DD after they didn’t stick to the agreed script of not lying to DD about her Dad’s whereabouts. With the support of a child phycologist DD I told that her father was staying with Police (remand) while it was being decided what would happen to Dad after he assaulted me (she witnessed the assault).

DD’s father despite a contact centre and mediation involvement, ended contact three years ago and despite promises of twice yearly contact, his only contact (via pre recorded Skype video, Ex doesn’t want DD having the ability to enter in any type of discussion with him) in the last year was to announce his marriage and birth of his son.

I have made it very clear that for contact to restart he has to contact my lawyer and commit to long term contact with DD. However, I suspect that his parents will try and facilitate contact and I have sent them an email stating that this is not to happen and the terms that contact are to be established (this has already been communicated in writing to him as part of the contact termination process).

Their idea was for them to travel to our city (they don’t have our address) and have lunch with DD and me and take back with them. It’s quite obvious that since the email they aren’t keen on having lunch with me. I suspect they won’t cancel the lunch because despite their sometimes belligerence, they know that I could (I wouldn’t) cancel the trip.

They are good people and have been very loving and supportive of DD. However, over the years Ex’s Mum has tried to manipulate me into feeling sorry for her selfish, non maintenance paying, child abandoning son and the atmosphere won’t be great because of my written slap down.

Do I insist on Lunch? Which would be an opportunity to speak face to face about my email or should I leave it?

OP posts:
Deemail · 29/12/2019 10:11

What age is your dd now?

Lllot5 · 29/12/2019 10:11

I’d be reluctant to let her go tbh.
They’ll try to get in her ear about her father.
However if your mind is made up I would insist in lunch so you can reiterate the conditions you have set. Good luck.

MeetmeinParis · 29/12/2019 10:15

I don't think I'd want my DD going, how old is she?.

Cherrysoup · 29/12/2019 10:15

Don’t think I’d let her go, tbh, especially if you think they’ll have him there or otherwise facilitate contact. How old is your dd?

Neron · 29/12/2019 10:16

I'm confused, you wanted your DD to know her father was in prison for assaulting you?
The situation sounds really complicated

Mishappening · 29/12/2019 10:16

No - do not agree to this.

BorissGiantJohnson · 29/12/2019 10:18

I wouldn't let her go.

happycamper11 · 29/12/2019 10:19

Your post is a little unclear. I assume dd is 10. Is her father still on remand? If it's the truth then what could the gp say that goes against 'the script'

BaronessBomburst · 29/12/2019 10:21

I wouldn't let her go; you don't trust them. Why would you want to leave your daughter for three nights with people who can't be trusted?
Does she want to go?
How often does she see them?

TheWernethWife · 29/12/2019 10:22

Neron what are you confused about? DD witnessed her father abusing her mother and was then told that he was in police custody.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 29/12/2019 10:29

Don't. Let. Her. Go. Based on what you have described- they may well be supportive but in your heart, do you honestly think they are going to carry out your wishes? His mum has tried to manipulate you, an adult. What do you think she will say to a child when you aren't there to intervene?

Neron · 29/12/2019 10:32

Confused why there would be a script. My biological fathers was abusive, I witnessed it. The adults around me didn't pretend things were normal as such, but I wasn't reminded of it either.
Perhaps the grandparents are ashamed of their son, they know what he did and maybe didn't want to be reminding a child of it hence no script?

Elieza · 29/12/2019 10:33

How well does she know her grandparents? Three days is a long time for her to be away from you with on a first overnight with people she doesn’t know that well.

Even if she’s keen just now are you not worried she will miss you over the three days? Surely one would have been more sensible. Why three?

You said that you wouldn’t cancel lunch because of their probable bad mood over the letter (perhaps because your child is looking forward to the visit and you don’t want to disappoint her) so are you going to take notice of anything anyone says on here (which so far the majority are saying cancel) as that will mean letting her down if she’s now looking forward to seeing them?

It’s highly likely they will try and speak to her off script about where he is.
Is he out yet? I’m presuming he must be if he is married with a son? Was he found guilty and given community service or not guilty? That’s will have a bearing on their feelings about him and indeed you, as you could be the manipulative missus who drive their son demented or somesuch.

They may even take her to a park and ‘bump into’ him and his new family accidentally on purpose so their darling son can see his child.

All very bizarre. It’s nice you are thinking of them. If they mess up then you know they can’t be allowed to see her again unless with you to supervise what they say.

Fluffycloudland77 · 29/12/2019 10:40

I wouldn’t have said yes to this, their not on your side.

Dollymixture22 · 29/12/2019 10:44

How old is your daughter (i assume at least 14?) and how well does she know her grandparents?

I assume she has seen them a bit over the last ten years, but even so three days is a long time. Is your daughter happy with this?

These people must know their son is a dreadful father. Are you worried he will be given contact with your daughter? He is violent - should she be put in that position?

GetUpAgain · 29/12/2019 10:48

Insist on lunch. Otherwise you are sending the signal that you will accept them changing arrangements they don't like.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 29/12/2019 10:49

If they want to see her, they come to her and it starts small. 3 days, away with them, staying over night when she hasn't ever done anything like that before is too much.

If they don't live local to you, I would suggest they come for a night or two. Stay in your house if there's room, or stay in a hotel where your daughter can visit them and spend the day shopping, cinema, food, whatever.

This is obviously a very complicated background and it involves legal agreements and child psychologists. So it's not like she's just going to stay with her grandparents for a few days.

Change the plans. If they want to see her they'll agree (might be a bit miffed, but should understand). If they have an agenda they will cause a fuss and you know you will have been right.

Clangus00 · 29/12/2019 10:52

Nope. Nope to ALL of it!

Drum2018 · 29/12/2019 10:52

I wouldn't have agreed to a sleep over either. You have no control of what happens at the grandparents house. What can you possibly do from a few hours away if dd's father shows up while she's there?

Thehop · 29/12/2019 10:55

Hard no to the sleepover from me. I’d suggest they stay in your city and take her for a day out.

ohwheniknow · 29/12/2019 10:56

You're being manipulated. You know they won't stick to those terms. Going ahead with this would be a mistake.

Waveysnail · 29/12/2019 10:59

I wouldnt insist on lunch unless dd is going to be somewhere else while having discussion.

Shelby2010 · 29/12/2019 11:01

How old is DD and what is her understanding of the situation with her father?

I think you should meet them for lunch to reiterate your email. Is DD likely to want contact with her father if it was offered? How will she react if they show her photos of her new half sibling?

thickwoollytights · 29/12/2019 11:02

I agree with @ohwheniknow

2020newme · 29/12/2019 11:03

I wasn't sure how to vote!!

I wouldn't let her go. Just leave it.

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