Clear the air or leave it?

[AgentJohnson]

To cut a long story short. I have a agreed to DD staying with her grandparents a few hours away for three days. This will be the first time she’s stayed with them (in 10 years) since I went to collect DD after they didn’t stick to the agreed script of not lying to DD about her Dad’s whereabouts. With the support of a child phycologist DD I told that her father was staying with Police (remand) while it was being decided what would happen to Dad after he assaulted me (she witnessed the assault).

DD’s father despite a contact centre and mediation involvement, ended contact three years ago and despite promises of twice yearly contact, his only contact (via pre recorded Skype video, Ex doesn’t want DD having the ability to enter in any type of discussion with him) in the last year was to announce his marriage and birth of his son.

I have made it very clear that for contact to restart he has to contact my lawyer and commit to long term contact with DD. However, I suspect that his parents will try and facilitate contact and I have sent them an email stating that this is not to happen and the terms that contact are to be established (this has already been communicated in writing to him as part of the contact termination process).

Their idea was for them to travel to our city (they don’t have our address) and have lunch with DD and me and take back with them. It’s quite obvious that since the email they aren’t keen on having lunch with me. I suspect they won’t cancel the lunch because despite their sometimes belligerence, they know that I could (I wouldn’t) cancel the trip.

They are good people and have been very loving and supportive of DD. However, over the years Ex’s Mum has tried to manipulate me into feeling sorry for her selfish, non maintenance paying, child abandoning son and the atmosphere won’t be great because of my written slap down.

Do I insist on Lunch? Which would be an opportunity to speak face to face about my email or should I leave it?

I'm sure they didn't raise their son to be abusive and a shit dad. Maybe given the previous history, plus your email slap down, they aren't going to facilitate anything and actually just want time with their GD and are sick of being caught in the middle of what their son has done?
You know them though OP. It's not fair for a child to be used as a pawn between battling adults.

The information isn't really very clear, so it's difficult to assess what is in DD's best interests.
How old is DD?
You say direct contact ended three years ago and infer that DD's dad has avoided speaking directly to DD since then. In fact, he seems to have completely ignored her.
What makes you think he wants to re establish contact now while your DD is visiting her grandparents?
However, if there is the slightest chance that contact will happen while your dd is with her gp's, and without you agreeing/ being involved in the planning, then there's no way I would let her go.

I don't really understand why having lunch with the grandparents makes a difference, but I do think that three days is far too long. Suggest that initially they just come over and take her out for a day, then consider whether you want to extend that to a second visit with a one night stay.

I'm not sure I'd agree to this unless your dd is older and able to contact you to ask to be collected, and she is keen to spend time with gps.

I don't think the lunch will make a difference.

I told that her father was staying with Police (remand) while it was being decided what would happen to Dad

Is this true?

How long was he on remand for?

If your ex doesn’t even want a conversation with his daughter, what are you afraid of? It doesn’t sound like he wants to meet her?

I'd let them spend the day with her in your city

Ok so this is the first time in 10 years since your DD has stayed with them. Fine, so 10 years ago when emotions were raw they didn't stick to the script.

It has been a decade, their son has shown no interest in contact whatsoever.

Firstly, he is unlikely to want contact especially as he has his family set up again now. Your DD would just make it difficult, especially as she witnessed the assualt.

Secondly, your daughter is much older and will be able to send you a message if she needs to leave.

I would go to the lunch but leave the past where it belongs. Give them a chance to be grandparents. If they screw it up that is your choice but your DD will not be impacted by this now after 10 years. Yes they could say how much their son misses your DD but the evidence is against them.

I am making the assumption that DD is a teenager now, and possibly my capable of making some of her own decisions, however I still would not be happy with this arrangement and would not be facilitating her staying away from home with them on her own.

Absolutely no overnight visits or lunch without you! As you say, ExMIL has a history of manipulation in favour of her tosser of a son, so you need to be there to nip that shit in the bud.

How does your daughter feel about her grandparents?

I'm surprised you've agreed to this.

Ime my ex mil always put her abusive ex wants in front of my Ds.

I spoke to a Sw not involved but in her experience this is usually the case.

I think her age . I am also guessing a teenager should have a say . My 12 year old knows if his dad ever wanted to see him again he would have to take me to court to ensure it is the right thing for him.

You need to maintain some control over the contact situation and allowing DD to go with them for 3 days to their home is not you maintain any control at all!
They could take her and refuse to give her back, they could get in her ear about her father, they could facilitate contact with her father and his new family, they could refuse to allow her to call you should she feel threatened, upset, worried etc, there are so many things that could go wrong!

If you are desperate to allow contact then it needs to be in a controlled way which means the contact starts slowly with you at a place you and DD are familiar with. It could then be extended for longer periods of time and for you to leave half way through then come back, then after a decent amount of time they could stay with DD at yours over night (if you’re happy with that) or allow an overnight at theirs with you dropping off and collecting.

To just allow this contact situation to happen is insane, and quite frankly very unfair on your DD!

What a ridiculous thing to post on AIBU. This is not light hearted - this is a horrible complex situation with a long history. It’s not about “sides” - it’s about what is best for your child and she is of an age where she will have a view on that herself. You shouldn’t be asking strangers on the internet to advise you on this . Speak to a social worker if you really can’t work out what is best for your child.

Sending the email was childish - you sound like you are trying to get a reaction from them. If you are allowing your daughter to stay there for three days then you should ring them and speak direct to them about this. To focus on whether you should “insist” they meet you for lunch seems ridiculous to me - your poor daughter in the middle of all this.

@Molly The impression I get is that the GP have been having regular contact, just not overnight.

What does your DD want?

I wouldn't let her go.

You should go for lunch and see how the land lies then I think.

I wouldn't agree to her going overnight either, bearing in mind you think they don't even want to have lunch with you.