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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

First Time Buyers- AIBU?

53 replies

ilovekittens · 29/12/2019 01:34

Me and my partner are first time buyers looking at buying in the next few months. We have decided we would rather buy a house than a flat as we are currently renting a flat and would like a garden. We can not afford to buy where we were both brought up/currently live as it is out of our price range. I have been looking at houses within a 10 mile radius from our home town and my work (he commutes into London and is very happy to do so)
However he is looking at moving at least 20-25 miles out as you get 'more for your money' and he is adamant he will not buy anywhere if it doesn't have a garage (he likes his cars)
Whenever one of us brings it up it always ends in a huge argument, so it's now become a bit of a taboo, but we are going to need to address it. This is going to be our first home. I don't want to buy a huge detached house with a garage.
If I try and discuss it with him, his response is 'just because you can't live more than 10 minutes away from your family' and 'we clearly want different things, so let's just go our separate ways now'
I'm not sure what to do, AIBU?

OP posts:

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 29/12/2019 01:36

we clearly want different things, so let's just go our separate ways now

Next time he comes out with that threat, call his bluff. Tell him you agree. I can’t stand people who make threats and manipulate to get their own way.

ProfessionalBoss · 29/12/2019 01:40

I completely agree with above. Call his bluff!

ChristmasSweet · 29/12/2019 01:41

What's wrong with living 20-25 miles from your family though? That's not far to see them. And he is right you get more for your money further from London. You sure you'll be happy in a cramped house with kids once you have them and a tiny garden, if you've got one at all?

However as he is threatening splitting up, you maybe aren't suitable together.

GreytExpectations · 29/12/2019 01:55

Why dont you want a detached house with a garage?

SexlessBoulderBelly · 29/12/2019 02:03

Ha, we were first times buyers two years ago.

I wanted a massive kitchen and a downstairs toilet aswell as upstairs bathroom and DP turned down every single house that didn’t have a garage as he’s also into his cars.

Ended up compromising, I got my massive kitchen, only one bathroom but we do have a garage... that DP doesn’t use and won’t use now because apparently it’s not secure enough to put his car in 🙃

We also had the area argument... 3 months after moving in.. he lives 20ish minutes away from me in another town, when buying he said he wanted to move more my way as his friends are more this way, that’s how we met. So I agreed however I would have been happy anywhere. 3 months later DP is telling me he is depressed as he’s loved away from his family yet I’m only 5 minutes from mine. I couldn’t believe it.

Men think they know what they want, but they bloody well don’t.

You have have to compromise somewhere, he can’t run the show by himself you’re doing this together. You need to sit down and find a middle ground on exactly what you want, what you can afford and where you can afford it.

And the next time he tugs in the heart string with his ‘let’s go our separate ways’ bullshit then leave him. You want to love with someone who potentially says that to you with every disagreement and petty argument?

SexlessBoulderBelly · 29/12/2019 02:04

Live*

Doggodogington · 29/12/2019 02:05

Why wouldn’t you move an extra 15 mins away for a better home?

EmiliaAirheart · 29/12/2019 02:15

This isn’t about the compromises in house hunting anymore. It’s about the sooky, immature person your partner has revealed himself to be. Threatening to end things because you don’t immediately cede to his wishes is a really awful sign of his character, and of things to come. I promise you’ll regret it down the line if you don’t heed these early red flags. And it will be a thousand times worse once children are on the scene and you’re financially shackled together.

poppycity · 29/12/2019 04:17

@ilovekittens I don't think the issue is where to live. Someone who would manipulate you by threatening to go your separate ways when you won't agree to what he wants, isn't someone you should buy a home or make other major life decisions with. Will he do the same over school choices for your children? How many children to have? I think it's time for a very serious conversation and laying things out in plain English.

Good luck.

PapayaCoconut · 29/12/2019 04:37

'we clearly want different things, so let's just go our separate ways now'

Sounds like a good idea, OP. I wouldn't plan a future with someone who threatens to bail on me at the first sign of a problem.

Purpleartichoke · 29/12/2019 04:44

I don’t understand your objection to a detached house. Shared walls are awful and as far as I am concerned, only to be dealt with when you have no other options.

pissedoffwithprojects · 29/12/2019 05:14

Normally I'd advise renting for 6 months in the area that you are thinking of moving to so you know if it is right for you or not, but I'm with everyone else, anyone who threatens splitting up when you disagree is not someone you want to become more entangled with.

Christmadtree · 29/12/2019 05:29

We were 1st time buyers 2yrs ago. We found it really helped to do a separate list of each of our must haves, no nos and nice to haves and then cross referenced them with each other. It was helpful for both of us to admit what was required and what was a nice to have.

We also both agreed to see 1 or 2 properties that one liked and the other wrote off online for whatever reason... My DP vetod any house with a conservatory at the start, guess what? We bought a house with one once he'd seen it, as everything else ticked our boxes!

If you can afford a detached house with garage then I don't see why not, unless you don't like the area or feel it's stretching you too far financially etc? Maybe he's looking for a forever home and you are thinking 5yrs.

Agree with others that it's not great him signalling a separation though, especially so early in the process because choosing a house should be the fun/easier bit!

transformandriseup · 29/12/2019 05:36

There is not much difference between 10 and 20/25 miles. If it was 250 miles I would understand.

The bit about him threatening separation is worrying though.

echt · 29/12/2019 06:10

His threat is what MN would call a red flag.

Be glad he's a DP and you have no children.

Hollyhead · 29/12/2019 06:31

Do not buy a house with this man! It will end in tears - he clearly doesn’t see you as a long term partner!

andyjusthangingaround · 29/12/2019 06:43

@ilovekittens
Home is one of the biggest financial commitments. Regardless why you don’t want a garage, move away...etc. You are just not compatible and want different things in life.
Better to go separate ways now.
Compromise is a fundamental requirement in a partnership.

justdoityourself · 29/12/2019 06:59

The fact that he's suggesting going separate ways rather than compromising on a house is worrying. Doesn't sound like he's very committed, could he be looking for a get out clause?

TW2013 · 29/12/2019 07:00

20- 30 miles is the sort of distance that it is probably hard to move back from once you have children. Yes of course it is possible but it would mean moving schools etc. 10 miles is a bit more manageable. Talking about schools if he works in London and you work in town A how will the dc get to school where you live? I know that they are not even conceived yet but it sounds as if he is looking for a forever house. Agree too that if he stamps his feet and threatens to leave then I would let him.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/12/2019 07:15

He sounds manipulative. Very big red flag.

PhilCornwall1 · 29/12/2019 07:21

Why dont you want a detached house with a garage?

I think it was said in the context of the OP isn't asking for the world as a first property.

Booberella9 · 29/12/2019 07:28

He sounds like a twat, get rid.

Crack1ngC0medy · 29/12/2019 07:50

I only know one family who use their garage to park their car
Everyone else has filled their garage with ' stuff'

It's the biggest purchase of your life

DDiva · 29/12/2019 07:51

The real test is not who wins but how you resolve this. If maybe we should go our separate ways is the best he has I'd not look to live with him, get out. Ultimately I think you need to discuss your future and how this house will fulfill what you both want for 5/10 or more years .........

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/12/2019 07:54

I agree the house isn’t the issue here it’s the partners threats. However has he checked the travel costs for moving further out. Yes you get more for your money but moving only just 15mins further away can add c. £70-£100 to his travel costs a month

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