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AIBU?

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Original poster

First Time Buyers- AIBU?

53 replies

ilovekittens · 29/12/2019 01:34

Me and my partner are first time buyers looking at buying in the next few months. We have decided we would rather buy a house than a flat as we are currently renting a flat and would like a garden. We can not afford to buy where we were both brought up/currently live as it is out of our price range. I have been looking at houses within a 10 mile radius from our home town and my work (he commutes into London and is very happy to do so)
However he is looking at moving at least 20-25 miles out as you get 'more for your money' and he is adamant he will not buy anywhere if it doesn't have a garage (he likes his cars)
Whenever one of us brings it up it always ends in a huge argument, so it's now become a bit of a taboo, but we are going to need to address it. This is going to be our first home. I don't want to buy a huge detached house with a garage.
If I try and discuss it with him, his response is 'just because you can't live more than 10 minutes away from your family' and 'we clearly want different things, so let's just go our separate ways now'
I'm not sure what to do, AIBU?

OP posts:
Inferiorbeing · 29/12/2019 07:56

Me and DP had the argument and settled the extra 15 minutes away, its massively paid off we ended up with a 3 bed semi with a double garage compared to a masionette. However the real test is how you solve it. We looked at both options and ended up deciding a house in a good location was more important than the town we already knew.

PooWillyBumBum · 29/12/2019 07:56

Good luck to him finding a garage that actually fits a car with room to move around in! We almost bought a 1954 house earlier this year and the garage was still tiny.

I think your partner is being incredibly immature in your discussions. Have you been to all these areas, walked around the neighbourhood, chatted to people in the local pub? Has he done practice runs of the commute from “25 mins” away to check it actually is that at peak commuting time?

Jojo19834 · 29/12/2019 07:58

Agree with @Crack1ngC0medy most garages are not big enough for modern cars anyway, at least more recent builds and so get used as a store room.

However, a little beside the point as the threat to separate is childish, very irresponsible and also a bully tactic. Tell him to go

Some other good advice here as well about how to reach that compromise but good luck with that manchild

Weirdwonders · 29/12/2019 07:59

He’s getting a lot of grief here put let’s it another way - if you’re adamant that not having a house with a garage 20 miles further out so that he can enjoy his hobby is your red line then maybe he’s right - go your separate ways. It’s not that much to ask you to compromise on and it doesn’t seem like your objection is even based on price.

PeachCupcake · 29/12/2019 07:59

Can’t you look at houses in both locations and choose based on the house?

We moved 20 miles from family to get our house. There were a couple of compromises (the kitchen and garden aren’t as big as we would have liked) but a 4 bedroom, 4 bathroom detached house with a garage and drive way was, I kid you not, £150k cheaper.

We were lucky that we had quite a wide search area and chose the house, not the location. Turns out the location is perfect too!

Good luck x

Ponoka7 · 29/12/2019 08:07

You have to consider your plans for the future regarding children and if he'd fully pull his weight and take a work break/days off, if needed.

That is if your family would help with any form of childcare or babysitting.

Do you have a car? Not a family car, but your own? How would he feel about supporting you during a maternity break, if you needed funds to travel to not be isolated?

How is he if you are ill, is he caring towards you?

Personally, I wouldn't want children with someone who just responded with threats when they didn't get what they wanted.

Genzeee · 29/12/2019 08:18

Why is it what you want? Is he not allowed a say? I wouldn’t want to Live so close to the in-laws either

BarbaraofSeville · 29/12/2019 08:46

I don't want to buy a huge detached house with a garage

You don't have to buy a huge detached house to get a garage Confused.

You could look for a 2 or 3 bed semi with a garage, or even any suitable house with enough outside space to get your own garage built.

However, I don't know many people who actually use garages to store cars in. More like bikes, tools, Christmas trees and all the other big things you don't want cluttering up your house but need to keep somewhere between uses.

CentralPerkMug · 29/12/2019 08:53

If a decision cannot even be reached on where to live without threatening a break up then this relationship is not going to be a happy one. How will you cope with making decisions about marriage? If/when to have children? What school to send the children to? This reaction is going to keep presenting so that he can get his own way.

That being said, were you willing to compromise at all? Or did you just say no to being slightly farther from your family?

PhilCornwall1 · 29/12/2019 09:00

However, I don't know many people who actually use garages to store cars in. More like bikes, tools, Christmas trees and all the other big things you don't want cluttering up your house

Or unopened boxes of items from when you moved in 15 years ago! Grin

Yetanotherwinter · 29/12/2019 09:03

He clearly doesn’t want to be with you if he’s saying let’s go our separate ways. I certainly wouldn’t be buying a house with this guy.

SantasHairyBallsack · 29/12/2019 09:08

Why wouldn't you want a bigger house? For the sake of 15 minutes, my word, I'm not surprised he's frustrated.

CaramelCrunch · 29/12/2019 09:12

Sounds to me like he's not that fussed about the relationship, and the house is a convenient excuse for ending things to me. If he really wanted to continue things, he'd be trying to find compromises rather than talking about going separate ways.

I would definitely consider renting for a short period if you are needing to change area (whether that's 10 or 20 miles from your current home) so you can try out things like the new commute etc.

LakieLady · 29/12/2019 09:19

Garages are just fab and too good for storing cars imo.

Ours is used for storing all sorts of stuff, giving us more room in the house. It's also a great place to do messy jobs, like painting things or stripping furniture. Christmas presents get hidden in there, deliveries get left in there (by arrangement).

Also, houses with garages also tend to have drives, so you're (virtually) guaranteed never to have to park halfway down the street and lug your shopping all the way back.

echt · 29/12/2019 10:26

LakieLady your post made me laugh as that's exactly what my garage is used for workshop, woodpile, exercise bike, gardening stuff, general storage.

Danni12 · 29/12/2019 10:34

I am concerned why he would threaten separation......big red flag

Freddiefox · 29/12/2019 10:36

I can sort of see his point of view tbh, why wouldn’t you want a garage or a drive for the sake of 15 mins? If your moving out anyway why not move the extra few miles?

Alsohuman · 29/12/2019 10:43

For me the issue would be the commute to work. I wouldn’t want a 50 mile round trip every day so I can completely see where you’re coming from. If he’s willing to ditch your relationship because he can’t have it all his own way I’d beat him to it.

CruCru · 29/12/2019 10:44

This is two separate issues. The first is the house. We are told that the DP commutes into London and that the OP has been looking at places within 10 miles of her hometown. I don’t think that they live in London, nor does the OP want to.

Depending on where the hometown is, a ten mile radius might actually be quite big. Choosing somewhere with a garage 20 miles out might put them out in some remote village. While a large house with a garage may be attractive to someone my age, I would have hated to live somewhere I thought of as remote in my mid 20s.

The second issue is him telling you that if you don’t agree, you should go your separate ways. Next time he says that, agree. Realistically, if this is what he does every time you don’t agree on something, your life is going to be hard.

cheeseislife8 · 29/12/2019 11:06

I'd be wary buying a house if threats of a breakup are being thrown around to be honest

Dollymixture22 · 29/12/2019 11:17

You can’t compromise. He wants a garage and isn’t willing to compromise or discuss it.

I can understand why you don’t want a huge house, hey are more expensive to run.

But if you can’t work out a compromise that meets Both of your requirements (and if he can’t be kind to you and so us this like an adult) then maybe he is right and you should split???

Chloemol · 29/12/2019 11:32

If he is saying it’s better to go your separate ways over something like this, then there are issues. I wouldnt be buying with him now, in fact I would be reevaluating the relationship. What he is saying is it’s my way or no way, and will pull this card all the time to get his own way

Big red flag

AlpacaGoodnight · 29/12/2019 11:34

If you are serious about moving in you need to both write a list of things you won't compromise on. Yours might be garden and his might be garage. If you can't agree on area that is a bigger problem but why not compromise on say a 17-18 mile radius?

Thehop · 29/12/2019 11:35

The house isn’t the issue, his childish manipulation attempt is. Threatening to break up with you if you don’t agree???

Leave him now whilst you can. He’s a dick.

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/12/2019 11:58

I'm not surprised at the red flag comments.

But the OP doesn't seem to want to compromise either.

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