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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fil and dinner (continuation from mil and wedding)

76 replies

YellowMellow15 · 28/12/2019 20:16

Backstory: PIL have never really like me. Not fussed, I love my DH and that's all I cared about. Things kicked off last year here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3424456-Mil-threatening-to-not-come-to-wedding?pg=4
She did not go to the wedding - that's okay not going to force someone. However my DH made it clear if she didnt go he doesn't want contact with her. His dad keeps trying to guilt him into talking to her and 'put water under the bridge' but DH has stood firm and is not engaging in this discussion.

Here's the AIBU - was supposed to meet with FIL tonight for dinner, MIL was not invited but DH still wanted to see his dad. We waited 45 mins and he didnt show. We text him when we arrived but no response. We had dinner and left. 30 mins later fil called screaming down the phone that he had waited in the carpark for us and we never came and got him. He forgot his phone( which we should know he does so that's your fault) and had to drive to get a phone to call us. I asked him if he came into the restaurant and he said no (well screamed no and then hung up)

he proceeded to hang up everytime I called and tried to understand what happened but he would scream and swear and hang up. He is now expecting an apology. I just dont get it? He didnt once stick his head in to see.

Fair enough we didnt go outside and look. But surely if you dont have a way to contact someone and are waiting directly outside the door you would go in? He is not answering any phone call now. What do you do in this situation?

OP posts:
DameFanny · 28/12/2019 22:47

How on earth are they equally to blame @DeathStare? They tried to phone, and were sitting in the restaurant they'd agreed to meet at.

It's December - who assumes that people are lurking shyly in carparks* rather than answering their phones or checking at the front desk?

*Or dogging I suppose, not sure what else people do in carparks these days

BloggersBlog · 28/12/2019 22:51

All a set up. He was never there.

Your mil has set it up to make you 2 look bad and either come running with apologies, or make fil not speak to you so she doesn't look as bad.

He's a wimp if it's true and he's gone along with it.

TheLittleBrownFox · 28/12/2019 23:27

Driving to look for a phone? There are phones inside most pubs and restaurants maybe it's just in my local area but the ones I go to have payphones in the entrance

I can't think of a single pub that has a pay phone nowadays but every pub and restaurant has a landline phone and I don't know of any that would refuse to let you use it if you went inside and asked nicely. Including, you know, the restaurant he was allegedly stood outside of Hmm

Would he know your numbers off by heart though? Probably not.

Tillygetsit · 28/12/2019 23:42

Ridiculous behaviour. Leave him to it OP.

Valvebounce · 29/12/2019 01:41

Hi Yellow Mellow.
Unfortunately I feel most of the posted responses are giving bad advice! You see the problem is that all things being equal in life we outlive our parents, this may well leave your husband feeling guilty for not repairing his relationships with his mother and father, after all they are his parents.
I have witnessed a family rift with my mil and her mother, the “she’s not my mother, I have no mother“ kind of rift.
After I pointed out my reasoning above many times they are talking again, an uneasy peace but peace none the less, each is still waiting for the other to apologise!
You need to give a bit of time and try contacting fil again, then wait some more and try again. An apology is not mandatory, but can help, be the bigger man and apologise for not looking for him. It doesn’t need to be a big deal just sorry we didn’t think to look for you! By all means if there is ranting and raving hang up and wait a while, just don’t give hubby something to regret after his parents pass.

Cheers.

paranoidmum2 · 29/12/2019 02:06

@Valvebounce that's really bad advice. You're basically telling OP to continually abase herself to FIL just so 'hubby' has no regrets.

And why shoud OP apologise instead of her DH?

MulticolourMophead · 29/12/2019 02:47

after all they are his parents

Just because someone has procreated, it doesn't mean their offspring have to be eternally grateful. People don't magically turn into decent humans just because they have children.

And as I read it, the DH is capable of making his own mind up here.

justilou1 · 29/12/2019 03:08

“Dear Dad,
You need to get some help. Please be brutally honest with your GP. I am not qualified to deal with this.”

Pixxie7 · 29/12/2019 03:19

Let them get on with it.

TooManyPaws · 29/12/2019 03:53

Just because someone has procreated, it doesn't mean their offspring have to be eternally grateful. People don't magically turn into decent humans just because they have children.

Yeah, Fred and Rose West had a large family who they abused - and killed. I don't suppose that Peter Tobin's son is particularly worried that his father is dying of cancer either. Plenty of parents are thoroughly vile people who should be avoided to keep your sanity.

Blahblahblah12345 · 29/12/2019 04:29

How did he not see you leave 🤔🤔

poppycity · 29/12/2019 04:39

I know someone who would behave like this and the route issue is serious anxiety so having to go searching for someone (even walking into a restaurant) sends off horrid behaviour. Not that it excuses it but may help understand why he behaved this way.

I'd give it some time @YellowMellow15, let a week or two pass by before dh reaches out. He could send a text/email/note saying he was sorry they missed each other in hopes it helps things calm down.

Good luck.

DeathStare · 29/12/2019 05:22

How on earth are they equally to blame @DeathStare? They tried to phone, and were sitting in the restaurant they'd agreed to meet at

Well obviously we just have different opinions @DameFanny These mix-ups do happen. I've been waiting inside somewhere while the person I'm meeting has waited outside or vice versa. Clearly there has been some miscommunication here - @YellowMellow15 thought they were meeting inside, her FIL thought they were meeting outside. I doubt very much anyone did it deliberately and both sides are bound to think they were in the right place. Wasn't there a Friends episode where this happened?

It's December - who assumes that people are lurking shyly in carparks rather than answering their phones or checking at the front desk?
I wouldn't assume they were lurking in a car park, but 45 minutes is a rather long time to wait and in that time I would bob my head outside to check he wasn't there. Just like if I'd thought the arrangement was to meet outside I'd have nipped in just to check inside.

As I said though, I also don't think that's the part that matters. It's FIL's behaviour afterwards that was appalling and I think suggests that there is probably nothing the OP or her husband can do to move on from it.

KatherineJaneway · 29/12/2019 06:23

What sort of person agrees to meet at a restaurant and doesn't at least pop their head inside or speak to the staff to see if you are there even if they thought you were meeting in the car park.

Sounds like he wound himself up something chronic in the car park thinking you hadn't shown and blew his top.

However it is now convenient for him not to see your dh and will probably get him a quieter home life with mil.

Crunchymum · 29/12/2019 09:00

@Blahblahblah12345

He wasn't still there when they left? By this point he had gone off to look for a phone?

(Assume his own phone as he would be unlikely to know anyone numbers off by heart?)

emilybrontescorsett · 29/12/2019 09:20

Very strange.
I think the meeting arrangements were vague.
'meet at the restaurant ' what exactly does that mean.
We will meet you in the car park, our car is red mini reg xxxxx.
Or, we will see you inside the restaurant , the table is booked for 7.30.
Equally when I meet a friend who is travelling alone I text when I am at the meeting place, or is c they arrive first they do.
However forgetting your mobile means the onus is on you to look for the other party.

Is your fil disabled?
Is there a reason as to why he couldn't come into the restaurant?

Blahblahblah12345 · 29/12/2019 09:28

Ah I see. Sorry must have missed that part. Thank you.

So does he not know what car you have? I know my PIL cars. And if we say we are meeting anywhere I have a quick scan to see if their car is there.

sonjadog · 29/12/2019 09:31

I think he has worked himself up into a rage which has gotten worse when he realized that he had in fact been a bit ridiculous by not going in and checking.

Original poster
YellowMellow15 · 29/12/2019 09:33

Thank you everyone for replying it's sometimes good to get validation in times of complete craziness!

Some points: I can honestly say going to look outside of the restaurant never occurred to us. Either an accident (Dh kept looking on news and traffic updates) or something to do with mil stopped him from coming. Genuinely didnt think fil would just stand outside the restaurant for over an hour and not come in. Also it was a bit of a hole in the wall place (fil favourite) and there was only 10 tables there (main part of the business is at the front for take away and desserts) so he would have spot us straight away.

By the time we left he had already left to call us so he wouldnt have seen us coming out either.

I think some people have it bang on with his behaviour in regards to mil and him feeling conflicted. At the moment dh has asked that we block fil number and I am going to support this. This isnt the first time of fil being unreasonably angry and shouting/swearing but it will be the last I think.

Thank you all again Smile

OP posts:
Valvebounce · 29/12/2019 09:42

@paranoidmum2
I wrote at 2am, I meant the husband should try to reestablish contact, and maybe apologise, (be the bigger man!).

@MulticolourMophead.
He doesn’t have to be eternally grateful, he just has to not have regrets after his parents pass.

@TooManyPaws,
I made a small assumption that we were not dealing with mass murderers but the standard parents disgruntled that “she is not good enough for my little boy”!

KnightandDay · 29/12/2019 10:08

I have my doubts as to whether he was actually there or not. Surely he saw your car parked in the carpark? Even if not, the normal thing to do is to go in and check. His reasoning doesn't make any sense! Im guessing he's looking for a reason to fall out with you guys and paint you as the baddies. Sorry you have to deal with this batshittery!

Doman · 29/12/2019 13:42

This is one of the craziest things I've ever heard on here. What absolutely bonkers behaviour. I can't wrap my head around the fact that he would actually sit in the car park, then drive somewhere else to find a phone (surely easier to go into the restaurant?!?!?!), then have a hissy fit about it.

Ignore them and, as PPs have said, support your DH.

ChiaraMontague · 29/12/2019 17:45

YANBU!
If you are in any doubt about whether your behaviour was reasonable, just look at FILs reaction. Refusing to speak to his son at all and only answering your calls to scream and swear down the phone is hardly reasonable!

GabriellaMontez · 29/12/2019 17:53

What would I do? Absolutely nothing.

justilou1 · 29/12/2019 21:50

Bugger apologizing!!! You are making the right decision to block and ignore the crazy. Life is much more peaceful without subjecting yourself to that...

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