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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fil and dinner (continuation from mil and wedding)

76 replies

YellowMellow15 · 28/12/2019 20:16

Backstory: PIL have never really like me. Not fussed, I love my DH and that's all I cared about. Things kicked off last year here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3424456-Mil-threatening-to-not-come-to-wedding?pg=4
She did not go to the wedding - that's okay not going to force someone. However my DH made it clear if she didnt go he doesn't want contact with her. His dad keeps trying to guilt him into talking to her and 'put water under the bridge' but DH has stood firm and is not engaging in this discussion.

Here's the AIBU - was supposed to meet with FIL tonight for dinner, MIL was not invited but DH still wanted to see his dad. We waited 45 mins and he didnt show. We text him when we arrived but no response. We had dinner and left. 30 mins later fil called screaming down the phone that he had waited in the carpark for us and we never came and got him. He forgot his phone( which we should know he does so that's your fault) and had to drive to get a phone to call us. I asked him if he came into the restaurant and he said no (well screamed no and then hung up)

he proceeded to hang up everytime I called and tried to understand what happened but he would scream and swear and hang up. He is now expecting an apology. I just dont get it? He didnt once stick his head in to see.

Fair enough we didnt go outside and look. But surely if you dont have a way to contact someone and are waiting directly outside the door you would go in? He is not answering any phone call now. What do you do in this situation?

OP posts:

Crunchymum · 28/12/2019 21:04

If he had come into the restaurant would he have seen you?

I'm assuming table would have been booked in a name he would have known? So he could have asked if you were there?

He wasn't very proactive was he?

ChristmasCroissant · 28/12/2019 21:05

Not outside @TattiePants, they said they'd be in the car park until 5.30pm. As I said, I don't think his behaviour was right at all but I would have looked around for someone if they were late.

sonjadog · 28/12/2019 21:11

I think most people would have checked inside the restaurant too. Very strange behaviour.

TabbyMumz · 28/12/2019 21:11

Every interaction with them is going to be like this. It wont change, trust me. You have to decide if you want to put up with it, or not. If you decide you are going to put up with it, you need a strategy so as incidents dont get to you and you can brush them off. Usually ignoring works. Dont feed it. They want a reaction.

Babybel90 · 28/12/2019 21:17

I think he’s looking for an excuse not to speak to you, probably your MIL has talked him into it. Anyway he sounds batshit, you’re better off without him.

cstaff · 28/12/2019 21:20

Just caught up on you old thread OP and he sounds as crazy as her. They are obviously well suited. Just leave them and their nuttiness to themselves. I am sure they will find some other unfortunate victim to move on to. Imagine what it will be like if and when you have kids.

myrtleWilson · 28/12/2019 21:20

I read it differently @ChristmasCroissant - they talked about the car parking situation and then agreed to meet at the restaurant at 5.30. I would wager that for 99% of the population meeting "at the restaurant" would mean inside the building, not in the car park.

JacketPotatoQueen · 28/12/2019 21:22

Life is just too short to be accommodating people like this.

Drum2018 · 28/12/2019 21:22

Seriously, give your head peace and go NC with him as well as mil. You can't win.

MarkingTimeIm59 · 28/12/2019 21:23

Do you think he may have reacted so oddly due to frustration at missing you and embarrassment?

LL83 · 28/12/2019 21:30

No excuse but he is probably stressed and going to get grief from mil for going to dinner but he didnt even get to see son. Definitely dont apologise but i would be willing to over look it and move on in a few days if he does. If his tantrums become regular I would reduce/stop contact.

TheBigMansWife · 28/12/2019 21:30

if yous are meeting at a restaurant for dinner he should have came in if he forgot his phone or if he wasnt confident enough to wander round the place looking for yous then he could have asked the staff if yous had arrived at your table.. how are you supposed to know that he is outside .. did yous even think to look outside? on another note is he getting crap from your mother in law for coming to see yous and could be feeling torn between you all and thats maybe why he is screaming as it could be affecting him and hes loosing control of his emotions. toxic relationships are no good for anyone might be best to cut all ties if yous cant fix it.

Spitsandspots · 28/12/2019 21:34

Dear god, just block him. Don’t continue to try. You & DH have done enough. Don’t engage any further unless he contacts you first and apologises for his appalling behaviour (he won’t) leave him and MIL to entertain themselves. It is them who are missing out.

GabsAlot · 28/12/2019 21:40

She said they were meeting at the restaurant not at the car park-if i want to meet someone outside i ask them not assume

didnt he even notice your car there op-what u supposed to do all turn up then just sit on your cars

CodenameVillanelle · 28/12/2019 21:44

He sounds as unreasonable as MIL. NC them both.

Lllot5 · 28/12/2019 21:50

I think I would have gone outside to see if he was waiting out there tbh.
But equally he could have put his head inside to see where you were.
Give a while let the dust settle and try texting him then, assuming you want to of course.

UndertheCedartree · 28/12/2019 22:02

I have never in my life met someone in a car park when we are going to a restaurant. And if you agree to meet at a restaurant then that means you meet in the restaurant not in the car park! If I was meeting someone for dinner and they didn't turn up it wouldn't occur to me to go and search a car park for them. And even if for some reason he was confused and thought you were meeting in the car park given that he had no mobile to phone you on - wouldn't the sensible thing be to check in the restaurant? imean it was more effort to drive home and get his mobile than head into the restaurant and see if you were in there. I would be at a loss to understand this behaviour.

GoGoLego · 28/12/2019 22:03

So he sat in his car but didn't see you guys walk too the restaurant or back out again a fair while later

Or didn't in that time notice your car in the car park

pissedoffwithprojects · 28/12/2019 22:11

I don't think he was waiting in the car park at all. Not sure what his game is though, other than deflecting blame from himself.

Ispini · 28/12/2019 22:11

@ T0tallyFuckedUpFamily
He was either hoping to ambush your husband with his mother or looking for an excuse to fall out with you, while making himself appear to be the victim. You both need to step back and stop calling. No doubt he and your mother is enjoying the power of your apparent desperation.

Absolutely this! Couldn’t agree more. Sorry OP all u can do now is support your DH. All the best.💐💐

DeathStare · 28/12/2019 22:23

I think you are both equally to blame here TBH. If I was waiting that long for someone inside a restaurant I would nip outside to see if they were out there. Likewise if I was waiting outside a restaurant for that long I'd nip in and check.

It doesn't really matter though because FIL clearly isn't ready to talk about this.

I have to admit though I do feel for him a little bit (though his response was completely over the top) - I suspect he got it in the neck from MIL before going to meet you and again when he got home. It really wasn't his night.

ohfourfoxache · 28/12/2019 22:25

Leave the pair of them to it and stop apologising - it’s not your fault

mediumbrownmug · 28/12/2019 22:33

OP, my parents used to be like this. I stood my ground and calmly let them know if they shouted at me I’d be hanging up. Which I did. Cue months of them running out of the room in tears if they happened to see me. I ignored their childish attempts to guilt me and eventually it stopped. That’s the best I can offer.

slipperywhensparticus · 28/12/2019 22:41

Driving to look for a phone? There are phones inside most pubs and restaurants maybe it's just in my local area but the ones I go to have payphones in the entrance

NearlyGranny · 28/12/2019 22:41

Why would he need fetching from the carpark? Is he using a walking frame or wheelchair? Very odd behaviour.

If he is capable of exiting the car and walking in unaided, something manipulative was planned and he's been hoist by his own petard, I think, hence the fury.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

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