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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Eloping?

31 replies

travellover · 28/12/2019 15:11

Me and my fiancé are thinking of getting married without family and friends in the Bahamas.

We know our family and friends wouldn't be able to afford to go there (if we had a destination wedding with friends and family we'd have to find a fairly cheap resort in Mexico/Dominican).

However it is a dream of ours to get married in the Sandals resort in the Bahamas, but it would mean going by ourselves (which I actually love the thought of doing, I have bad anxiety) then doing a big wedding party/reception the UK when we're back.

However I'm really worried about upsetting our parents as they were looking forward to seeing us get married, I'm just so stuck on what to do it's so hard to make everyone happy but getting our dream wedding at the same time ☹️

I suppose this is more of a 'what would you do' rather than an AIBU but I appreciate any views!

OP posts:
BackforGood · 28/12/2019 17:12

Don't think anyone else can answer this for you

Me? There's no way in a million years I would consider getting married without being surrounded by family and friends. If I had your money, I'd have the wedding here then go to Bahamas for a honeymoon.
I'd be gutted if any of my dc chose to get married without including us.

LynetteScavo · 28/12/2019 17:15

Could you have a very small wedding with just your immediate family, then go off on your honeymoon to your dream destination and a party for everyone else when you get home?

BlueSuffragette · 28/12/2019 17:15

Do it and have a blessing in a local church when you get home. You can wear your wedding dress and parents can attend. Party afterwards. Job done.

mrsbyers · 28/12/2019 17:16

Why not just take both sets of parents to the Bahamas and have a party when you get back ?

Thehop · 28/12/2019 17:17

I really wish we had done this.

Tell them it was last minute x

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2019 17:20

It's not for me but then my dream wedding didn't involve excluding my parents and close family/friends.

Yours does so go for it and have a party when you return.

Otherwise marry here and then have a nice honeymoon at your Sandals resort.

OneUsernameOnly · 28/12/2019 17:25

Your anxiety stops you getting married in front of your family in favour of an expensive destination but you will cope with being centre of attention for a big wedding party afterwards? Hmmmm.
Before the pile on yes I understand anxiety, yes I know it manifests itself in different ways. But getting married only takes 30 mins tops - you can’t cope with that yet you will cope with the 3-4 hours party once you are home?
At least own your decision and don’t make excuses.
My sister eloped - it was the best thing for her and I was happy for her. But she didn’t bullshit anyone.

Knicknamehistory · 28/12/2019 17:26

My sister did this, didn't tell anyone we just recieved a post card saying they were married. It's what they wanted our family was very happy for them. A tiny bit disappointed that we didnt get to see them marry but it's their relationship so not really up to us to have a say

firstimemamma · 28/12/2019 17:33

If you want to go and get married in the Bahamas just you 2, then go and do it! Life is short!

All this 'I'd be gutted if my children did that to me' stuff isn't useful, don't be sent on a guilt trip op especially by someone you don't even know! If my son wanted to elope when he was older I'd be all for it. I'd want to support my son's decisions rather than making it about me.

Just do it. Smile

Likethebattle · 28/12/2019 17:36

I eloped. Me and DH just went away for a few day’s and came back and told everyone. It was a done deal and if anyone has a problem then tough. We paid for it, we arranged it and it was our wedding.

BackforGood · 28/12/2019 17:39

OP said she'd appreciate all views @firstimemamma

My views are just as valid as yours. She says she is worried about upsetting her parents - so I presume she knows they are likely to feel the same.

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2019 17:42

OP said she'd appreciate all views @firstimemamma**

Exactly. Pretty pointless thread otherwise.

ohmysoul · 28/12/2019 17:43

My sister did this exact thing at this exact resort.

Obviously we were disappointed not to be there but ultimately it was what her and her DH wanted. They had a small party the week after they got back, she wore her dress again and he wore his suit, they cut a cake etc. We saw lots of pictures and I know they wouldn't change it for anything. We were just happy that they were happy.

Original poster
travellover · 28/12/2019 18:39

* "Your anxiety stops you getting married in front of your family in favour of an expensive destination but you will cope with being centre of attention for a big wedding party afterwards? Hmmmm*"

There's a huge difference between standing up in front of people close to me and declaring my love to my husband to be compared to a big party where I'd be getting drunk and more relaxed and where there's loads of people mingling rather than just staring at me speaking. There's reasons to why I feel more anxious around mainly my family due to how I was treated as a child, but that's nobody's business. This isn't about my anxiety at all so don't try and dispute my mental health please.

This is literally just asking what would people do in this situation, nothing about judging me or my mental health just because YOU think every single person with anxiety must be more uncomfortable in a party than a wedding ceremony.

OP posts:
Original poster
travellover · 28/12/2019 18:40

And I haven't bullshitted anyone at all - none of my family even know I've been diagnosed with mental health problems because they're the type of people who thinks mental health isn't an important thing and people should just 'get over it'. So no, I won't be 'bullshitting' or 'making excuses' will simply be eloping and saying it's better for me and that's that.

OP posts:
FeigningHorror · 28/12/2019 18:42

‘Eloping’ for me has connotations of haste and furtiveness as a term. We got married with two witnesses and without telling anyone as neither of us wanted the bother and fuss of a wedding, and it wasn’t a big deal for either of us. We didn’t tell anyone for a couple of years, if not more. No one, including parents, was unduly concerned.

Original poster
travellover · 28/12/2019 18:43

But Thankyou everyone for your actual responses on what you'd do! I appreciate all views, just thought that person commenting on my mental health was very rude Smile I think I'm gonna speak to them about it now and get them used to the idea and see how it goes - if they can't really get past it and desperately want to see me get married then I'll make adjustments accordingly

OP posts:
FeigningHorror · 28/12/2019 18:43

X-posted with you, OP. Do that, then. You don’t owe anyone some big day out with a white dress and speeches.

FeigningHorror · 28/12/2019 18:45

Honestly, OP, I think consulting other people for permission will be counter-productive. Will you really alter your plans to something you manifestly don’t want because of someone else?

DarklyDreamingDexter · 28/12/2019 18:47

I would absolutely do it! Me and now Ex eloped to Gretna Green as we couldn’t afford the Bahamas. Never regretted the eloping bit, we saved so much money and hassle! Have the wedding you and your fiancé want, OP. Others will get over it pretty quickly. Our parents and friends were fine as they knew we weren’t the big wedding types. Funnily enough, the only people who moaned slightly were people we wouldn’t have invited to a traditional wedding in any case! Go for it!

Fanciedachange1 · 28/12/2019 18:48

I got married in Las Vegas and had a family gathering at home a few weeks later.

Nobody knew until it was done and nobody seemed to mind. Tbf though getting married over here was never going to happen for us so our family don’t see it as missing out because it wasn’t like we chose one option over another.

My advice would be to do what the two of you want to do. Organising weddings to suit other people rarely seems to run smoothly and there will always be one person who isn’t happy with how things turn out.

Purpleartichoke · 28/12/2019 18:55

I find the eloping approach much more considerate then expecting guests to pay for a destination wedding.

I do hope if my dd ever gets married, I get to attend, but if that doesn’t happen, I’ll have to get over it.

boredboredboredboredbored · 28/12/2019 19:29

I'm getting married in 5 weeks. Small wedding just 40 of us. Dp wanted to do it just the two of us I insisted on our dc and family being there. Wished to god I'd have listened to him, there's been loads of hassle from the families....Sad

Cookit · 28/12/2019 19:34

We had a tiny wedding. I waned without parents even but thought they’d be too upset.

But ... we didn’t have any kind of party afterwards because for me not wanting the big wedding was the same thing as not wanting a big party where everyone would be together and where I was centre of attention etc.

If you get married there is it legal? Getting married abroad often means you need to do it in a registry at home first (which you maybe could invite your parents too?).

TheRealShatParp · 28/12/2019 19:37

My partner and I are eloping to Vegas this year. My family would’ve loved to be there but they totally get it and are supportive of our decision. Have the wedding that you want to have, after all it is your marriage.

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