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AIBU?

Should I let him go?

40 replies

Rosesandteapot · 28/12/2019 15:04

Please bare with me I’m a long time lurker and I really need kind honest advice.
I’m very nervous about posting as I have seen really mean and cruel replies to people that are uncalled for.

I am also dyslexic so if my post has mistakes in it apologies in advance.

I am adopted I was adopted from birth.
My adopted mum died 5 years ago, and left me devastated.
My adopted dad left us when I was 7 for another woman who was cruel to me, she could not understand why he kept in touch me when I was not really his child.

However I fought for my place and I remained in contact.

When she left him when I was 18 he suddenly wanted to be closer to me even though he had two older adult children who did not have much to do with him.

Dad has always been a drinker and a violent man.

He used to beat my mother up in front of me as a child.

He has nobody else but me and his son who sees him once maybe twice a year.
His other son does not have anything to do with him.

When dads wife left him he drank even more and started hanging around with not very nice women.

I kept out of it because he told me it had nothing to do with me and he spoke to me dreadfully.

Fast forward to 7 years ago when he had a stroke, he became worse.
He spread nasty rumours about me to his family about that I did nothing for him (I was running backwards and forwards 3 busses there and back doing his washing etc) he was in severe debt I collected his pension and put it in his bank and cleared all his debts for him whilst he was in hospital.

The hospital told me not to give him money in case these women (who only wanted money for booze and drugs) came in asking for it.

He would pay for their company if you see what I mean (prior) to going in hospital

He went to a rehabilitation place, where he would not engage with the staff they told me to bring washing powder in and not to do his washing, to try and get him to do something.

He said I was being unfair.

When he came out he had money in the bank the money he accused me of stealing.

Luckily I kept all receipts for everything!

He was deemed fit to live alone and he took one of the paid for ladies in and she moved in with him.

I kept my mouth shut.

Now even she’s gone because of how he behaves.

He told me flatly that I would get nothing when he dies (he’s 87)
That it will all go to his son. (Not that I wanted anything)


He does not phone me unless he wants something
When I do he barks at me or shouts.

I should add that his own family (brothers and sisters)
Have nothing to do with him because of how he is.

He has nobody but me who sees him weekly and his son who does stuff I think more out of duty who sees him once a week.

Wibu to cut ties with him?
He was so mean on Christmas Day that my DH snapped and called him a selfish arrogant man who only wants his own way.

I feel guilty because he took me in as a baby when nobody else wanted me.
I mean nobody likes him everyone has left him at 87 will he ever learn?
Am I being horrible to just cut ties without saying a word?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

200 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
3%
You are NOT being unreasonable
98%
thickwoollytights · 28/12/2019 15:45

I'd say going totally no contact would be the perfect choice

Hugs ThanksThanks

Honeybee85 · 28/12/2019 15:49

He doesn’t deserve you and at his age, he will never change. If you go NC at least he will know that you didn’t let him get away with his appalling behavior towards you and you’ve got the peace in your life back.

Win - win situation, I’d say.

BlueSuffragette · 28/12/2019 15:51

You have done more than enough for him. Take care of yourself and your DH. XxFlowers

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 28/12/2019 15:55

no amount of being grateful for being adopted deserves this

millymaid · 28/12/2019 15:55

OP you sound like a wonderful, caring, generous person, I'm just so sorry your adopted father is an ungrateful idiot. You're getting nothing but abuse in return for your kindness. You're right he is not likely to change now. You don't have to cut him off without a word, although he doesn't really deserve an explanation, you could write or say that you're grateful he took you in as a baby, but that until he can treat you with respect you won't be visiting or caring for him anymore.

Quicknamechange7 · 28/12/2019 15:57

Look for some counselling around your feelings about being adopted - to raise an adopted baby is a gift, not a burden to be repaid. He was exceptionally lucky to have you - you do not owe him anything; if anything, he 'owes' you for the privilege of having another child. In the meantime, yes, no contact.

Rosesandteapot · 28/12/2019 16:00

Thank you all for your kindness, I do know that if I choose NC I will be slated to his son that I’m thus and that he can never ever take the blame.
He can’t see why he has nobody else except me and I’m starting to think I’m only there out of guilt and gratitude because he took me in as a baby

OP posts:
IdiotInDisguise · 28/12/2019 16:01

Don’t put yourself and your family through this. He is the person who left you and your adoptive mother not the person who took you in.

I’m sure if your adoptive mum would have not wanted you being treated like that at all.. cut contact, everyone reaps what they sow.

TeenPlusTwenties · 28/12/2019 16:05

If he hadn't adopted you, another couple probably would have, and they might have shown you what it is like to have 2 loving, functional, parents. If he can't behave decently to you, then you certainly don't owe him.

I consider myself lucky to have adopted my DC.
I don't feel they 'owe' me.

LondonJax · 28/12/2019 16:32

Adopted dad or biological, a man like this doesn't deserve you.

Cut the ties. Many would have done so just for the childhood he gave you so you're not a bad person in any way, shape or form.

And, as someone else said, if he hadn't adopted you someone else would have. And they would have been very lucky people to have had a child like you.

Be kind to yourself. You owe him nothing - just like our biological son owes us nothing. We decided to have him, not the other way around. i don't believe any child 'owes' a parent anything as they didn't have a choice in who those parents would be.

Good luck. You sound like a person that any parent would be proud to call theirs.

Vilanelle · 28/12/2019 16:36

You don't sound like you're ready to go no contact. I tried with my dad and I had severe guilty feelings that left me messed up.

If you do go no contact, please seek counselling also as it's not as easy as people make out.

1forAll74 · 28/12/2019 16:36

It would be best to cut ties with him now, as he will keep giving you more nastiness and grief till the end of his days I think. You have done more than enough to help him in many ways, but he is non appreciative towards you in all ways.

He sounds like an angry man, who has brought this on,by his own self inflicted selfish ways.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/12/2019 16:39

He’s an abusive arsehole. You owe him nothing.

Snowman123 · 28/12/2019 16:43

You were an innocent child - you do not owe him because he chose to take you in as a baby.
His behaviour sounds truly awful and I am surprised you have tolerated it for as long as you have.
You have tried to help him in many ways, but it sounds like he is beyond help.

PolloDePrimavera · 28/12/2019 16:47

You have been a more than wonderful daughter to him so it is entirely his loss when you go NC. He's been very lucky to have you but he's abused you and played on your feeling beholden to him for adopting you.

Live your life now and take care x

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 28/12/2019 16:49

You sound a lovely, thoughtful, person.

Having a child - whether biological or adopted - is a privilege and a huge responsibility. Parents owe their children love and support and protection. You do not owe your father for ‘taking you in’. Your adoptive parents were fortunate to be offered the opportunity to adopt you. Your father has failed you in so many ways. You would not be unreasonable to cut ties with him. Make sure you tell him why.

FairyBatman · 28/12/2019 16:58

@Rosesandteapot you were a tiny baby when your parents decided to adopt you. They didn’t take you in out if pity, and they certainly would t have been the only ones to want you.

You don’t owe him any more than any other parent, and if you need to go nc then for your sake you should.

I say that as an adoptive mum.

Unusualusernames · 28/12/2019 17:23

Oh my god you poor thing. I read this with tears in my eyes sad for why you would feel that you even have to ask. You owe him nothing. If you want to cut him out of your life the anyone who would criticise you for doing so isn't worth your time either. I hope you have lots of other people in your life to show you how much you are worth 💐

Daisy7654 · 28/12/2019 17:25

It's a privilege to adopt a baby and adoptive parents are meant to be giving the child a better life.
You poor thing. He sounds awful. Didn't they have adoptive vetting? SS should have rescued you.
Too late now, please try not to get too down about it, but you certainly don't owe him anything.

Rosesandteapot · 28/12/2019 17:48

@Daisy7654
I am not sure on that SS are way more thorough these days than back then I’m
Sure.

@Unusualusernames Thank you 💖 that’s lovely xx

@Quicknamechange7
I think you are right I do need to speak to someone because I feel guilty but, I don’t want to take this with me next year.

Nobody likes him and I mean nobody.
The stark truth is I’m the only one.
In my original post it say his son sees him once a week it was a typo he comes once maybe twice a year at most but he calls him most days.

My dad blames his stroke on his behaviour now but even before the stroke he was not very nice.

OP posts:
TheNoodlesIncident · 28/12/2019 18:59

Truly OP - you owe him NOTHING. He does not deserve to have contact with you, he has treated you and your mother abysmally. Your DH is right.

He will never change and see the error of his ways, so cut your losses and move on to happier times. He probably wouldn't leave you anything in his will even if you were his only contact in the world, so it's best to just forget anything he says about that. Spiteful people often try to use this to cause more pain.

You deserve better, and you always did, even as a vulnerable baby. Do seek counselling, it may help you untangle your feelings and about your upbringing and help you move on from it. Flowers

NomNomNomNom · 28/12/2019 19:02

If he'd been a loyal, doting dad who had become abusive in his old age I would have sympathy and keep seeing him out of duty. Since he's been universally awful to you through your life you owe him nothing. Protect your own well being and leave him to sort out his own mess.

Winter2020 · 28/12/2019 19:20

"I feel guilty because he took me in as a baby when nobody else wanted me."

...and he's been letting you down ever since. You don't owe him anything. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself - you don't need someone in your life that treats you badly.

Rosesandteapot · 28/12/2019 21:53

Thank you I think you are right I perhaps do need to speak to someone about things.
I think it has only been when I have wrote things down that it seems he really has let me down

OP posts:
ViciousJackdaw · 28/12/2019 22:44

I feel guilty because he took me in as a baby when nobody else wanted me

You must let go of the guilt. Have a think about all the prospective adopters out there. I'm certain that the majority of them would be delighted to have a little baby placed with them. It will have been the same for you - if your Mum and Dad hadn't taken you in, another family would have done so like a shot. Plenty of people will have wanted you, they simply weren't asked as your Mum and Dad were at the top of the list.

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