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AIBU?

Should I let him go?

40 replies

Rosesandteapot · 28/12/2019 15:04

Please bare with me I’m a long time lurker and I really need kind honest advice.
I’m very nervous about posting as I have seen really mean and cruel replies to people that are uncalled for.

I am also dyslexic so if my post has mistakes in it apologies in advance.

I am adopted I was adopted from birth.
My adopted mum died 5 years ago, and left me devastated.
My adopted dad left us when I was 7 for another woman who was cruel to me, she could not understand why he kept in touch me when I was not really his child.

However I fought for my place and I remained in contact.

When she left him when I was 18 he suddenly wanted to be closer to me even though he had two older adult children who did not have much to do with him.

Dad has always been a drinker and a violent man.

He used to beat my mother up in front of me as a child.

He has nobody else but me and his son who sees him once maybe twice a year.
His other son does not have anything to do with him.

When dads wife left him he drank even more and started hanging around with not very nice women.

I kept out of it because he told me it had nothing to do with me and he spoke to me dreadfully.

Fast forward to 7 years ago when he had a stroke, he became worse.
He spread nasty rumours about me to his family about that I did nothing for him (I was running backwards and forwards 3 busses there and back doing his washing etc) he was in severe debt I collected his pension and put it in his bank and cleared all his debts for him whilst he was in hospital.

The hospital told me not to give him money in case these women (who only wanted money for booze and drugs) came in asking for it.

He would pay for their company if you see what I mean (prior) to going in hospital

He went to a rehabilitation place, where he would not engage with the staff they told me to bring washing powder in and not to do his washing, to try and get him to do something.

He said I was being unfair.

When he came out he had money in the bank the money he accused me of stealing.

Luckily I kept all receipts for everything!

He was deemed fit to live alone and he took one of the paid for ladies in and she moved in with him.

I kept my mouth shut.

Now even she’s gone because of how he behaves.

He told me flatly that I would get nothing when he dies (he’s 87)
That it will all go to his son. (Not that I wanted anything)


He does not phone me unless he wants something
When I do he barks at me or shouts.

I should add that his own family (brothers and sisters)
Have nothing to do with him because of how he is.

He has nobody but me who sees him weekly and his son who does stuff I think more out of duty who sees him once a week.

Wibu to cut ties with him?
He was so mean on Christmas Day that my DH snapped and called him a selfish arrogant man who only wants his own way.

I feel guilty because he took me in as a baby when nobody else wanted me.
I mean nobody likes him everyone has left him at 87 will he ever learn?
Am I being horrible to just cut ties without saying a word?

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Am I being unreasonable?

200 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
3%
You are NOT being unreasonable
98%
mediumbrownmug · 28/12/2019 22:50

Please get counseling, OP. Just because nobody has ever deserved you, doesn’t mean that you are in any way unlovable, unwanted or undeserving. Flowers You are a lovely person, and for once you should do what’s best for you instead of what’s best for everyone else.

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ferntwist · 28/12/2019 22:54

You’ve given him so much more than he deserved already. Don’t let yourself be his punchbag anymore. Cut ties.

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Drum2018 · 28/12/2019 23:00

Op please for your sanity go NC with this horrible excuse of a father. He did not take you in - he and your mother were lucky to have had the opportunity to adopt you. It's not as if they picked you up off the street and gave you a home when nobody else would. They were the lucky ones to be given the chance to be your parents. It's a shame your father didn't live up to that honour. Dont assume that your birth mother didn't want you. She may not have had the means to bring you up, she may have been forced by family/clergy to give you up. More often than not, that was the case. So please don't think so little of yourself. You deserve better than the scraps your father throws you. You are not obliged to help him, or even see him again. So what if he gives out about you to his son. That's not your problem. Please get counselling to help you realise that you are worthy of so much more.

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1Morewineplease · 28/12/2019 23:15

Oh my lovely, it really is time to cut your ties with him. He is manipulative and is making you feel guilty. You need to talk to someone about all of this guilt that you’ve harboured for decades.

You have been amazingly strong, kind, helpful and resilient for all this time and there’s been not one ounce of reciprocity.

Go your own way now and leave him be. Who will actually care what he says to other people about you. You know that you have done right by him for all these years. Enough is enough. Even professionals have told you not to help him.
I had to let go of my own father for similar reasons.
It’s bloody difficult but I had my own family and couldn’t allow him to poison them.
All good wishes to you .

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Rosesandteapot · 29/12/2019 09:38

I have slept on it and I have I spoken to DH, there is so much more that he has done over the years to me and others.
He is a very vindictive and spiteful man.

I know that if I told him why I was walking away he would spin it to his son (I call him his son and not DB because none of his children from a previous relationship ever accepted me and have always been civil to me but somewhat cold to me)
Like I was the demon.
He would believe in his own mind that I was at fault.

Just like he did when his other DS wrote him a letter to say he never wanted to see him again.

Somehow all the reasons he gave, ended up not being “his” fault.

Dad was seen by his son and GS in the red light district, and rightly so he was ashamed and embarrassed to say that he was his father.

But he had the cheek to say that what he does has nothing to do with anyone else.

He does the most shameful things,
I told him my uncle had died a few months past (we were not close he was married go his sister she died over 20 years ago)

So knowing that information he drives (how he has his license I don’t know)
To my uncles house where his son still lives knocks on the door and asks for him after 15 years!!
6 months after his death that I had told him about.

It is almost like he enjoys being cruel.

I think you are all right I do need to speak to someone about this because I have no confidence in myself I’m constantly anxious and it’s not fair on my kids even though they are in uni now.

I still have the memory of being terrified as a child with them two punching each other (mum could give it back)
I would curl into a ball and try to sleep it away.
I thank you all because I think I needed to know that I am not a cow for wanting to leave him alone

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YellowJellyfish · 29/12/2019 10:59

Oh Roses. You shouldn't be grateful he adopted you, if they hadn't another family would have.

He should be on his hands and knees crying with gratitude!

Just delete him out your life. Who cares what he tells people!!

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IdiotInDisguise · 29/12/2019 11:30

Roses, you don’t need to tell him everything or explain anything, just turn around and close the door on that. What he thinks or his family think is not important, you shouldn’t care about that.

Remember, people who care about you won’t believe him, people who don’t, do not matter.

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Drum2018 · 29/12/2019 19:06

You don't have to be in contact with any of them - him or his other children. So that way you won't know or have to give a damn about what anyone is saying about you. Block the bloody lot of them. Walk away from them all. Focus your love and energy into your own family unit - Dh and kids.

Do look into counselling as I previously suggested. Being adopted can affect self esteem even in the best of families, but to have been treated so appallingly by the parents who should have cherished you, was another battering to your confidence. You can get help to feel a whole lot better about yourself though. Make 2020 the year you put your feelings first and your wellbeing first. Make it the year you come to realise that you are worthy of love, respect and a life of happiness with your Dh and kids.

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Rosesandteapot · 29/12/2019 20:48

@Drum2018
I am intending on getting some therapy, I think you and what others have said is correct.
It has knocked my confidence in so many ways.
It is also the root cause of my anxiety I believe.

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Rosesandteapot · 31/12/2019 22:58

Just an update.....
Dad did exactly what I thought he would.
The first opportunity, that he got he lied and painted me to be the bad one.
Telling people that I allowed DH to shout at him, which was not true.

DH asked him not to shout at me and called him a selfish man.

Yet this evening I had one of his “friends” call me asking me why I allowed my DH to shout at my defenceless dad.

He’s not defenceless at all, I explained that my dad started shouting at me for saying that the reason his other son did not talk to him was because he was ashamed, because of dads actions.

(Picking women up in the red light area)

And because I was implying that dad was wrong in his actions he went off at me saying what he did was nobody’s business.
I am certainly done with him now.

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Ellisandra · 31/12/2019 23:05

I’m glad you’re done with him.

My friend has a son who she adopted. We all learned pretty quickly not to say how lucky he was - she put us straight very firmly, “I am the lucky one”.

Your parents did not adopt because they were selfless angels who wanted to do something wonderful for a child. They adopted because they wanted a child.

No disrespect intended to those who do afoot with more altruistic reasons involved. But the bottom line for most people - they adopt because of what they want. Which is fine. But it isn’t something for a child to feel grateful for Flowers

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KC225 · 01/01/2020 05:15

If he is saying it and his friend is saying it 'it's nobodies business what I/he does' than that gives you permission to walk away. He is mean, abusive old man who does not want to be helped. You know you got him out of debt, into a program, into a flat, had him CHRISTMAS day and all the rest, what thanks do you get - he cannot even be civil.

I am glad from your update, when you say you are done with him - my worry is that he will phone you or get a friend to phone and manipulate/guilt you into doing his bidding. OP remain strong, he has driven away everyone with his abusive and selfish behaviour. He does not want help or compassion to lead a better life. He is incapable of giving love. Concentrate on you and your relationship. Your DH will be relieved not to see you used as an emotional punchbag. Get some proper counselling, it's your time OP.

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ColdCottage · 01/01/2020 05:38

He sounds very unkind to say the least and that he doesn't deserve you.

Speak to Adult social services and explain you can't be part of this negative relationship with him anymore but he may need help then let him get on with it. Spend the time with the people who do love you.

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raspberrymolakoff · 01/01/2020 09:30

You shouldn't feel he "took me in as a baby when no one else wanted me". I don't know how old you are but in the 1950s and 60s there was this attitude which has now completely reversed and adoption is much more child centric. In fact, those who got to adopt a baby were the privileged ones! I'm so sad for you that your father was ever approved for adoption. You shouldn't stay in touch with him just because he is who he is, his genetic family have not been so loyal. Strokes change personalities but it sounds like he was appalling long before that.

I'm also adopted (more happily) and have worked in counselling on the subject. I think many of us become people pleasers. You owe this man nothing so set yourself free. I'm so glad your husband stood up for you. He's your family not this ugly man.

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Josette77 · 01/01/2020 14:42

He sounds awful. He didn't adopt you as an act of charity. They were lucky to adopt you.

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