Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

am i being unreasonable?

74 replies

TheBigMansWife · 28/12/2019 14:58

hi please excuse the grammar and punctuation etc. i am dyslexic..
anyway i am looking after my niece for 10 days and have asked my brother to send in food or money for food to feed her while he goes on holiday, he flies out today and he knows that i am totally skint, its just after xmas and i am a mother of 3 and my partner is incarcerated so i have been really really struggling to make ends meet and he is aware of this.. however he went ballisitic at me today for asking him to remember to leave stuff for dinners for his daughter as i am already having to make different dinners for us all as iv not enough in the cupboards fridge or freezer to make us all the same until i get my wages which is in a fortnights time.. he is going off his head at me and asking why i have left this to the last minute before mentioning anything to which my response was that it its his responsability to mention it not mines especially when he knows iv nothing and i honestly thought he would send stuff through for her as he knows the situation, and now he is sending me horrible texts making out that i ruin everything for him and saying that he has had to pay to get his car fixed and that he owes money out here and there etc, i dont want to ask my mum for help as she is nearly 60 and she has high blood preasure and she is going through a lot at the moment so i dont want her knowing how tough things are as i dont want her worrying about her adult kids .. he is now saying that im just trying to cause trouble the day he is due to leave and making out that im saying he is a bad dad etc because im saying he needs to leave stuff. which im not i just cant afford to feed her ... anyway he has now sent my niece round with a big bag of of food and i felt terrible when she gave me it. i feel really bad for asking am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:
SteelRiver · 28/12/2019 17:04

YANBU. Tell your brother to stop whining and remind him his spending priorities could use some work! Also, remind him just how lucky he is to have you to enable his holiday and that he needs to start showing some appreciation & respect!

WorldsOnFire · 28/12/2019 17:06

I’m aghast at how many people think this guy is terrible for going on holiday when ‘money is tight’, yet I know so many single mums who have done the exact same thing and it’s all ‘Think it it as self care’ - ‘You deserve to treat yourself’ - ‘UC Is a disgrace’

😒🤔 Oh what a difference a penis makes!

MitziK · 28/12/2019 17:08

Where is her mother?

Original poster
TheBigMansWife · 28/12/2019 17:15

thanks for the replies guys..

iv calmed down a bit and some of you are right i prob should have made sure he was leaving stuff ..
im more annoyed as he knows i have nothing just now and i was never going to say no to looking after my niece i love her to bits.. am just pissed off that i had to ask ..
my neice lives with him he had to take her from her mum as she couldnt cope with her and the mother is on it every weekend always partying so he didnt want to leave her there as niece was starting to drink and do things with her friends that was getting her into trouble so he brought her to stay with him. hes a single dad and needs a break and im here to help, so he is off on holliday with his mate for a bit which is fine ...

we dont get along as siblings at the best of times as he just wipes his arse with everyone around him and that doesnt sit well with me.
i was just raging earlier at him not even mentioning or offering to leave anything for her when he knows for a fact im on my arse...

{ @Vulpine i know 60s not old i prob worded that wrong, my mothers been a single mum her whole life and took so much shit from my brother that she still gets his shopping and lends him money and takes his crap constantly its time for her to relax n not worry or stress shes got high blood pressure and is at risk of a stoke.. i dont want her knowing my struggles}

OP posts:
ShawshanksRedemption · 28/12/2019 17:19

When you agreed to take DN, did you state there and then that he'd need to cover feeding her for those 10days? If so, YANBU to expect him to provide for her.

It sounds in your OP that you'd told him previously and then had to remind him about food for DN but you don't say when this happened? He may have forgotten? He may be pulling.a fast one because he's keeping his money for the holiday and think you can cover it.

All in all, it sounds like better communication was needed from both of you so you both knew where you stood!

MitziK · 28/12/2019 17:23

If he 'needs' to dump her off on his sister who has fuck all of her own, a husband in prison and a bunch of kids of her own so he can piss off on a boozing/pilling/shagging holiday, well, it's not as if he can cope with her either, is it?

Merryoldgoat · 28/12/2019 17:25

@WorldsOnFire

I’ve never seen a thread where a broke mother is encouraged to go away when she can’t afford it and leave her child with family.

Is judge either man or woman doing so harshly to be frank.

EKGEMS · 28/12/2019 17:26

You are not in the least unreasonable your brother is a pathetic,stingy and mean asshole. He should have left you cash in anticipation for any expenses incurred during his vacation. And no this isn't miscommunication on your part it's all on your brother

Tistheseason17 · 28/12/2019 17:26

I feel for you and your poor niece. Your brother is a selfish waste of space.

GreytExpectations · 28/12/2019 17:27

Yuck. Can't stand people who go on holiday without their children. Fucking weird.

Really? Hmm I think it's weird that you can't understand there is nothing wrong with having a bit of time away from your children now and again. Would you think a couple going for dinner out without their kids was "Yuck"? As long as the kids are well cared for then nothing is wrong with a child free holiday. I'd say anyone who considers it wrong is extremely close minded and ignorant.

Original poster
TheBigMansWife · 28/12/2019 17:28

you are totally right defo should have communicated more i just assumed he would, i should have made sure, thanks for reply.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 28/12/2019 17:30

When you agreed to take DN, did you state there and then that he'd need to cover feeding her for those 10days? If so, YANBU to expect him to provide for her.

This ^

YABU to mention it on the day he is leaving, if you didn't ask for it before.
YANBU to remind him, if that was the agreement in the first place.

Original poster
TheBigMansWife · 28/12/2019 17:36

@MitziK just reading your message made me cring at myself lol .. i know i come across as having zero with a bunch of kids and a man in prison but we are a nice family my kids dont go without iv had a really tough year me and my hubby both work and kids go to a good school.. my husband got put in prison for battering a paedophile who tried to lure my daughter and niece into a bush in a park last year obviously the kids were fine thank god we were there, but its honestly turned my life upside down since it happened and iv been living on one wage so its been hard this xmas especially .. im abso mortified at myself reading that back haha x

OP posts:
MrsEnglishh · 28/12/2019 17:57

@GreytExpectations

Of course I understand people do it. I just think it's shit. A meal out isn't a holiday, they aren't comparable. Holidays are for families. I can't imagine how it must feel for a child to have their parents fuck off somewhere without them. Selfish.

GreytExpectations · 28/12/2019 18:15

Holidays are for families. I can't imagine how it must feel for a child to have their parents fuck off somewhere without them. Selfish

What utter bullshit. A holiday has many different meanings. Solo holidays, couples holiday and family ones. How ridiculous of you to call people selfish who don't always go on holiday with their kids. Judgmental arsehole.

Motoko · 28/12/2019 18:29

How would he have fed his daughter, if he wasn't going away?

If your mum buys his shopping, then you should tell her, so she can give you some money towards feeding your niece. She would have done it if he was at home.

MrsEnglishh · 28/12/2019 18:42

Calm down, Greyt. Just because I'm not a twat who goes away without their children doesn't mean others don't. Me, I can't imagine being far away from them in case they needed me. Or something happening to me while away without them. Or wanting to enjoy something without them. Each to their own. I judge people who feel perfectly happy with that.

But then, I wouldn't be seen dead on something like a "hen weekend" or a "girlzzz holiday" anyway, so 🤷‍♂️

user1471449295 · 28/12/2019 18:45

Drop his daughter back to him. THAT would ruin his holiday wouldn’t it.

Op he has taken advantage of you. To not make sure you were able to feed his daughter l, knowing you were struggling is disgusting. YANBU

girlygirl98 · 28/12/2019 18:53

@TheBigMansWife nothing to be ashamed of. Bad things happen to good people. Clearly you're doing your best in dire circumstances. Brother sounds like he's not grown up. Very few men are up to the task of single parenting.

paulhollywoodshairgel · 28/12/2019 18:58

If I was asking my sister to take my kids for 10 days, the first thing I'd do is offer to pay for a big shop or give her some cash. She wouldn't take it but I'd offer it. He is bu for not even offering.

MNHQ
EstherMumsnet · 28/12/2019 19:53

Hello everyone,

We've had a number of reports from people concerned about this thread so, as we usually do in these circs, we're putting our heads round the door with some important reminders.

Right now we can't see any evidence to indicate that the OP isn't above board – if we did, we'd remove the thread straight away. But the truth is that, sadly, we at MNHQ can't know with 100% certainty that any poster is genuine, no matter who they are or how long they have been here. As frustrating as it is, we're not able to vouch for anyone here.

So we always ask users to remember that not everyone on the internet is who they say they are – and remind folk not to give more to another poster, either financially (in cash or gifts) or emotionally (in time or care and support) than they'd be prepared to lose if things went wrong. We strongly advise against parting with any cash or giving away your personal details, and if you receive a PM which makes you uneasy - report it to us and we’ll take a look.

Sorry to hijack your thread briefly there, OP – we really hope you get it all sorted soon. In the meantime, you might find some useful information on our guide for dealing with financial difficulty

Original poster
TheBigMansWife · 28/12/2019 20:34

Hi @EstherMumsnet ... Dont know why people are reporting this thread, that is abso crazy im not a charity case hahaha i just came on to ask if i was being unreasonable? wtf?? i would NEVER accept or ask anyone off here for anything except advice lmao!!! extermely amused that you have had to post that comment i am fine and so are my kids lol! so funny how much drama people cause LOL!! thanks for caring though and for the link but i dont need it im sorted.. lol xx

OP posts:
windycuntryside · 28/12/2019 20:42

Your brother is has behaved horribly. He should have affected from the start, you could have also asked.

windycuntryside · 28/12/2019 20:42

Offered

Original poster
TheBigMansWife · 28/12/2019 20:53

@windycuntryside i know i should have i usualy wouldnt ask him but he knew my situation was different this month... anyway its water under the bridge now that iv got over it, i was fuming earlier, feel silly for even posting now haha had to get it off my chest at the time and ask what others thought.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread