Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband right or am I bu??

33 replies

Feedmylambs · 28/12/2019 14:36

Husband arranging courier to deliver heavy furniture, I’m currently on mat leave with our 5mo dd. Asked if he could try to arrange delivery for when he’s off, his response was to start shouting swearing at me (in front of Dd) saying I’m awkward and ungrateful. Have taken delivery of furniture before with the baby and honestly it’s easier if he’s home To deal with it. Was I being awkward and unreasonable? He frequently shouts in front of dd over the smallest thing and I’m getting tired of it as it’s no good for us and certainly no good for her.

OP posts:
TrixieFranklin · 28/12/2019 14:37

He shouldn't shouting and swearing about anything so yes - obviously he's unreasonable and sounds nasty.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 28/12/2019 14:39

What Trixie said.

JJTWhite · 28/12/2019 14:43

He’s unreasonable for shouting/swearing especially in front of your DD at any point even for small things but your unreasonable for not wanted to take delivery of said furniture while he is at work etc. If your on mat leave it’s not the end of the world having to take the delivery even with DD. Not ideal but not end of the world, you’d have to do it if you wasn’t with him, you need to have some serious words about they way in which he approaches ‘problems’ he can’t carry on talking to you like that.

Original poster
Feedmylambs · 28/12/2019 14:47

@jjtwhite I wasn’t saying I didn’t want to, just asked if he could try to be in. If I was on my own I’d ask a friend or relative to come for a coffee and entertain dd while I dealt with the furniture being delivered! I have to inspect it and sign for it (second hand furniture not new in packaging) and pay the delivery men, so not end of world but honestly easier and more practical for DH to arrange it for when he’s in.

OP posts:
NoMorePoliticsPlease · 28/12/2019 14:49

NO SHOUTING

InACheeseAndPickle · 28/12/2019 14:49

It sounds very odd behaviour to get so aggressive about a simple request. If it was impossible to arrange the delivery while he was in surely he could just explain that then check you'd be OK to do it if you had to.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 28/12/2019 14:50

He's a knob and the fastest way to stop someone loving you is to treat them the way he's treating you.

Shouting is a rarity for most families; you don't have to accept it as part of marriage or family life.

KellyHall · 28/12/2019 14:53

It's not a question of whether his opinion was correct, it's how he expresses his feelings.

I've had the same issue with my dh, it culminated in me telling him if he can't stop behaving that way he couldn't live with me and dd. I was serious, I had details of rooms he could rent elsewhere and knew my financial plan. It seems to have given him the kick up the arse he needed. Previously there were no consequences (upsetting us didn't seem to be an issue when he was having an outburst).

OceanSunFish · 28/12/2019 14:53

I find it surprising that you would need another person to be in for this, but he is very unreasonable to shout and swear at you.

Original poster
Feedmylambs · 28/12/2019 14:59

I’ve tried to explain how he makes me feel and I’ve told him that both of us are entitled to however we feel but we both need to have appropriate responses (not just me!) and consider how our words and actions affect the other. His knee jerk reaction is to be a twat and then calm down and see where I’m coming from but it’s absolutely exhausting as it happens too often. I’ve told him I feel it is rather abusive behaviour (did it all through my being pregnant too) and that if it continues we will need to separate for our child’s sake as it’s not fair for her to be raised seeing this and he literally says he doesn’t care and I can do what I want and says I’m controlling for making such threats. Sorry I don’t mean to drip feed but is just in response to your comment about telling your dh to rent somewhere if he can’t respond properly!

OP posts:
KellyHall · 28/12/2019 22:34

If you've already given him that ultimatum and he hasn't changed, he's not going to change. If you're serious about protecting yourself and your dc from this abuse, it's past time to leave.

So sorry op Flowers

Costacoffeeplease · 28/12/2019 23:16

You can only give an ultimatum once, if you don’t follow through then you’re buggered

cricketballs3 · 28/12/2019 23:25

I must admit that if my DH gave me the response as you did "can't cope with a delivery due to a LO" whilst I was at work I'd swear as well

BeanTownNancy · 28/12/2019 23:42

@cricketballs3 - she didn't say she couldn't cope, she said it would be easier if he was there too. Not really sure that warrants verbal abuse.

I've had the same thought recently when I've needed work done or deliveries made, because my baby is sick and so constantly breastfeeding or crying if he's put down - sometimes I have to just put him down and let him scream but obviously it's preferable to not have to do that. If there was a delivery slot available on a day my husband was in, I don't see why he would be annoyed.

Strongmummy · 28/12/2019 23:45

You’re on mat leave so it’s reasonable for you to take delivery of the furniture. However, sounds more like your husband needs to stop over reacting and shouting

conduitoffortune · 28/12/2019 23:51

As you've already given an ultimatum and he's already said he doesn't give a shit, you're buggered really. You can continue to be shouted at ad infinitum, or you can leave him. I know which option I'd take.

Cherrysoup · 28/12/2019 23:52

Presumably the courier puts the furniture in the house? I don’t understand why it’s an issue that he might be at work. That is odd. Just hold the baby while they deliver it.

The issue to my mind is your dh getting all unnecessary and shouty, what a bonkers overreaction. That needs to stop.

cricketballs3 · 28/12/2019 23:53

@BeanTownNancy granted, however I'm sure the furniture is not just the DH's choosing and if he's working then when else is it supposed to be delivered?

Savingforarainyday · 28/12/2019 23:59

I'm confused why you can't take a delivery on your own...?
He shouldn't swear at you, but I would be exasperated beyond measure if I had to take time off to accept a delivery when there is another fully functioning adult present.

Cryingoverspilttea · 29/12/2019 00:01

No shouting. But yabu for not being able to open a door with a 5m old 🙄

BeanTownNancy · 29/12/2019 00:04

@cricketballs3 - she only asked if he could try. That's what gets me, that any slight potential changes to his "plan" are met with hostility... By all means roll your eyes at your partner or tell them they are being silly (I often am, I have GAD), but shouting and swearing because they asked to change something is just... you know... a touch controlling, maybe?

ineedaholidaynow · 29/12/2019 00:06

Has this behaviour just started to happen once you were pregnant?

user1494182820 · 29/12/2019 01:16

I mean, he's unreasonable for shouting, but have you been rendered incompetent by producing a child? Put baby in sling/basket/pushchair, deal with delivery man, go about your life as if nothing particularly interesting has happened. Because it hasn't.

YellowJellyfish · 29/12/2019 01:21

So. You've given him an ultimatum and he didn't care. So what now? You leave him or continue to be shouted at?

Equanimitas · 29/12/2019 01:52

If he doesn't care about shouting and swearing at you in front of your child and has no intention of changing, you need to think very carefully about whether you want him in your lives any longer.