AIBU to not want my DP brother and sister in my property

[GiftedFish]

Me and my DP have hardly spoken since Boxing Day evening because i found out he had had his sister in my car on Xmas day.
Let me go into a little background on this.
So, his brother and sister are drug addicts, each using cannabis and crack, his sister also uses heroin. He doesn't have a great deal to do with any of his family, well siblings.. mum deceased and dad not around. He is the only one of 3 of them that has made anything of themselves. Holds down a decent job, sustains himself rather than abusing the benefit system. He is the only one that ever gave their mum anything to be proud of. Never done drugs, barely even drinks alcohol.

I absolutely loathe his sister. Until me and my DP lived together he was living with his sister, although hardly ever there as either with me or working so it was just a case of sleeping there a few nights a month. He ended up living there as he moved back to the area and it was just an easy option and his sister wasn't on the drugs then (she's been on and off for years, 2 kids already in care). She also had her 2 year old there and he was helping out with his nephew. So he put his house stuff in storage. Their mum died and his sister ended up back on drugs and slowly but surely the drug use got heavier and heavier.
She began stealing from him, money, keys to his storage unit, sold his furniture, he was having to sleep with his wallet and phone under his pillow. She'd use his phone to call drug dealers and then he'd have them ringing him threatening him when she owed money. He has life insurance policy and she questioned him on what would happen to his money in the event of his death, 2 weeks after this he found a note in his wallet saying "my name is such and such, i am (name) sister and next of kin, please contact me in the event of an emergency"..
She started having dealers there cutting up on the kitchen worktops because she'd be paid in drugs, then men for sexual favours. If my DP was asleep in bed she would go out at all hours leaving her son and my partner unaware that he was supposed to be looking after the little one. He would pay his rent and that same night all the money would be gone that she'd be asking, begging and crying for more money. He did the weekly shop, ensuring nephew had milk, nappies etc. Taking his nephew out to get him away from the situation as much as possible. (Social services are involved)
He gave his sister a lift once and she dropped crack in his car, down the edge of seat and couldn't retrieve it. My DP walked to the shop with nephew and came back to find his seat had been taken out of his car by a neighbour after his sister had asked them to remove it so she could get the crack. obviously it's better out of the car than in it but the whole thing was insane.
His brother was constantly stopped by police and if they seen him in a car that car was pulled over and he was searched, vehicle was searched. DP had been stopped a few times with him in the car and he was searched at side of road too. It got to the point where my DP told him he isn't giving him a lift anywhere again and to not bother asking.. and he hasn't.
So, sorry bit of a long one..
Xmas day my DP went to go see his nephew, i don't have anything to do with any of them (i've been there before where dealers turned up to use kitchen and after that i said never again) i stayed at home with my family while he went to see his nephew. He turned up there and his nephew wasn't there, just his sister. I'm annoyed about my DP taking his sister back to where his nephew was, at the nephews dad for number of reasons. 1 - his nephew is not allowed to see his dad over fears for his safety, nephews dad has some serious mental health issues, once trying to put a drill through his ear to stop the voices. so that annoyed me that she shows complete disregard for that.
2 - my DP used my car, he did have a car of his own but since living together sold it as he drives a van and he just uses my car when needs be, so what if she'd dropped some of her crack/heroin in my car, a child in my family gets hold of it or we are pulled over, it's found by police.. we wouldn't have a leg to stand on in saying it's not ours.. how many times have they heard that!?
3 - she has stolen from my DP car before so why wouldn't she mine. She stole from their own mother.
Fortunately, he won't tell any of his family where exactly his living now, so that she can't turn up here begging or potentially stealing from us. We both work very hard for what we have and i don't want any of them jeopardising any of that.

I genuinely don't think my DP thought about it like i have, but we haven't spoken properly since Boxing Day evening because he can become defensive about it, although he knows it's the truth he is just so ashamed of his family.

AIBU to not want them in any of my property, including my car!?

Yes, but even though he couldn't persuade them to leave with him he still did the right thing in going there with his sister as he could make a judgement call whether Dad was suffering from psychosis and DN in need of emergency professional support to get him out of there or whether it was a less than ideal, but relatively safe situation.

I really think you need to accept his sister is in his life and if you're that hell bent on keeping her out of your car he needs his on car. Poor bloke appears to be doing really well in a shitty situation and the last thing he needs is an atmosphere at home for doing the right thing.

If it was your home, I would be with you.

If you want to check your car for drugs or get him to valet it, fine. Although I suspect the time she left them in his car was when he was still enabling her and had taken her to buy them. Unusual for an addict to carry drugs around at any other time...

Not unreasonable though for you to say you'd like him to ask her if she has drugs or paraphernalia with her before she gets in the car though, but realistically though it sounds like you need your own cars if your boundaries keep you sane and he needs to feel supported in making the right judgement calls in an awful situation.

I have name changed to reply as what I’m going to say is potentially very outing if any of my extended family are on here.

Your DP is only trying to act in the best interests of his nephew. Even if your nephew’s circumstances don’t currently meet the threshold for him to be removed, they are undoubtedly causing him harm. He will be being exposed to things that a child shouldn’t see, you SIL is also almost certainly neglectful in her parenting, and he is being left with his dad, who social services have deemed a risk.

There is lots of research out there to support the fact that this type of situation has long term effects on children’s emotional, physical, and psychological development. You can read up about disordered attachment, about long term impacts of neglect, and long term impacts of exposure to drugs and violence in the home.

Your DP has made it clear that he isn’t going to leave his nephew to it, and good on him! It’s a shame that more family aren’t prepared to stick it out in that way. It sounds like both of you and social services have tried to intervene and turn things around.

The best way to separate you DP from his siblings and protect your DN in the long term would be to remove DN from his current situation.

This is the outing bit... Exactly this happened with my aunt. My cousin ended up being removed from their mum and placed with their (and my) Grandmother. They were there for several years but GM kept letting their mum back into their lives. They ended up coming to live with my parents aged about 8. Unfortunately by then too much damage was already done. They could not / would not settle into a normal family home and after a horrific 4 years; social services, my parents, and cousin’s psychologist all agreed that he had to be removed back to local authority care.

So why am I telling you this? If the situation with your DPs sister keeps escalating your DN will eventually be removed. The longer he remains in that environmental the more harm will come to him and it will be harder to turn things around.

You could talk to your DP about talking to social services and his sister and asking her to relinquish DN to your care, before things continue down this incredibly unhealthy road.

It’s a massive step, and not to be taken lightly; but seriously worth considering. It’s such a big step that it may also shock DPs sister into getting her shit together.

So am undoubtedly going to get flamed for even suggesting this, but if intervention had happened earlier in family things would likely have turned out very differently.

I would have a very serious conversation with him about keeping his sister far, far away from both of you. I do understand it’s hard for him and my heart breaks for the poor little boy, it’s good he cares about his nephew.
Do these types of ultimatums ever work? Becasue telling him to keep his sister away from you both sounds like an "it's your sister nor me" situation and just breeds resentment.

I agree with @Needanewname2 the longer this goes on the more damaged the nephew will be. He's 6, he's already seen and witnessed awful things in his life I am sure. He's watched his mother buy drugs, take drugs and suffered the side effects and worse. Another few years and he'll be almost beyond help, if he isn't already. So much growing and forming happens, cognitively, in those early years. Poor kid.

This is so heartbreaking.

Also your DP sounds like a lovely man. Despite how annoyed you are, and you are entitled to want to protect your family, try and remember that he is stuck in a really hard place right now. His decisions affect you all but he makes them with good, honest intentions.

Tbh, I'm questioning why he hasn't taken his nephew in. I took in my friend's child for 2 years whilst she got herself sorted out. That wee boy is his blood, why hasn't he taken him in?

It doesn’t sound like the mother WANTS to relinquish her son, and if she doesn’t want to, OP and her DP can’t make her. The police will simply return DN to his mother (and potentially charge the DP with kidnapping him). They have to go down the SS/care order route, which is what they are doing. And that takes time.

@ChristmasCarcass
My comment was before the OP said they had taken him once and she called the police, so I'm not sure why you're picking up on it as if I should have known?

In the first few posts it wasnt clear whether the OP and her husband would only take him if they had to because of a care order or if they would take him by choice.

Sounds like one form of income to feed her habit is the DN father. For that, she will do anything. Just by allowing him to be with his son in exchange for drug money should be enough to prove negligence. Keep on reporting every time and involve your mp. This child needs a break from this lunacy. With men and dealers coming in, how can your oh be sure he (dn) isn't being abused? There is a safe place for him if only the courts would listen. It is clear she will not give him up because her drug money would stop. That decision needs to be taken away from her.

Please report to social services that the little boy visited his father if he isn't allowed to. Hopefully they may then take more action.

It's good that you are all willing to have him and I think he should be with you with supervised contact with his mother until she decides to prioritise her son over drugs. If that ever happens.

Your dp needs to act now before she inflicts any more neglect and permanent damage. And he needs to prioritise him not her. It's so hard I wish you all the luck in the world. Drugs are evil and destroy everything.

Your DP was between a rock and a hard place with pretty much no option but to use your car.

Think of it this way, had he left his nephew in the care of a clearly very unstable man would he really be the man you love and respect?

I’m not sure how sensible my next suggestion is but I would be inclined to go to your local police station and explain the whole situation. Tell them SS are involved etc and say you fear she has left drugs in your car, they should be able to search for them to see if she has dropped anything that could harm your DC. The only thing I would hesitate about is I’m not sure on the legality of who the drugs belong to as they would be in your car and if you could be charged for possession? Maybe a MN police officer has any ideas?

I agree with everything @Needanewname2 says.

Sorry Lulualla, lots of other people have said similar things since and you just summarised it well so I quoted you. Wasn’t trying to have a go at you, just replying to the general point.

His sister is going to be in his life op,he clearly feels a loyalty to her and her dc,his nephew.
There will be times,like on this occasion,where he has to make a choice.He chose to help his sister,probably for his nephews sake.
It reads that he is a decent person trying to do the very best he can in a nightmare situation,he didn't ask for any of this either.
You need to either accept he has his own loyalty to his family which will mean doing things you dislike or you need to let him go.
You adding to his problems is not helping him with the responsibility he must feel.
Try to imagine how you would feel if it was your sister,your nephew.would you be so quick to berate?
You don't have to have her in your home or life or car,but please give your do some support.
Maybe the AA family support group may offer him some additional help.
I appreciate this is not easy on you either.
I hope you both start talking to each other soon.

He should’ve asked you first, as it’s your car. I’d be having him go over it with a fine tooth comb and taking it for a professional clean to make sure there are no traces of anything.

If dn is at the father's and it is ordered that dn must not be with his father then call the police now.

GiftedFish Just wondering about dh’s sisters other children, who were taken into care. They are also his flesh and blood. Does dh ever see them? Or are they fostered / adopted and completely out of reach of his sister?

@cuteypye
No, they were fostered by another sister and her husband. Now ex husband but he's got them in his care. My DP probably gets to see them once a month. But they live a wonderful life. Fed, clothed, attend school regularly, holidays abroad. A nice normal stable life.