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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry dcs dad has moved without telling me?

40 replies

Motherrosebud · 28/12/2019 11:15

I am absolutely livid with exdp, who has decided to tell me only yesterday that he and his partner have moved almost 2 hours away from our DC, pretty much leaving me alone in the shit.

He's not the greatest father so it's by no means the worst thing that could've happened, however there was absolutely no discussion with me about the impact it will have on the children. He now won't be around to see them after school, nor do I have him there should an emergency arise or will he ever take them to their hobbies.

He has asked to see them eow, however he hasn't seen them for 3 months and he lived 10 minutes away so I'm not quite sure how that will work as he doesn't have a driving licence as far as I'm aware, but he's gf does so I assume it will be down to her to do all the driving.

I have so many issues surrounding them both and know that his gf is the driving force behind the move, as she doesn't want him anywhere near me or his family and was the main reason he hasn't seen the DC, because she doesn't trust him he's a serial cheat and got caught out 3 months ago
I honestly don't know what to do for the best now, the DC don't know what's going on as I haven't told them and no doubt he will leave it up to me to do so, I'm just so tired of dealing with the whole shitstorm he leaves behind.

I know they/she wants children as she miscarried 5 months ago, so again the situation is only going to get worse for my DC once that does happen, as just won't be there for them.
All I've had for the last few days is abusive texts threatening me with court, because I have stopped contact now due to his lack of responsibility, lies, threats of violence towards me and the simple fact he constantly lets them down, which has been going on for years.

I asked him to come and meet me yesterday, this was before I knew he'd moved to discuss our DC which he agreed to, only for him to inform me 10 mins before we was due to meet that he couldnt get there as his gf wasn't back, so it doesn't look good does it? I know I'm probably just rambling but I'm so angry and don't know if I have a right to be?

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherrosebud · 28/12/2019 12:05

Anyone? My heads a mess

OP posts:
Fleetheart · 28/12/2019 12:10

YANBU at all; that’s totally out of order. On the plus side though as time progresses he will become less and less important to the DCs and you will be able to make all the important decisions. You don’t have to take the kids to see him that’s up to him to sort.

My ex is very near by. As he is not supportive (and often opposes my decisions) this has actually made my life much more difficult; in some ways I wish he would move away.

But I get where you are coming from, he is being totally selfish.

Fleetheart · 28/12/2019 12:12

By the way, he doesn’t have a leg to stand on re court with him moving. I suggest you get your own legal advice and tell him to stop with the abusive texts or you will be sending them to the police and asking them to charge him with harassment. He is a disgrace.

Star81 · 28/12/2019 12:13

If he has chosen to move away it’s up to him to do any travel to pick up / return the children. If you are agreeable to EOW then tell him when it starts and the ball is fully in his court to make it happen. If he doesn’t make the effort then he’s choosing no contact and you can’t be blamed.

Start communicating by email only so you have everything in writing. Then you have prof when he cancels that he did so. Then if he takes you to court you have evidence that he was not trying to have contact. No need to meet him face to face at all.

anon2000000000 · 28/12/2019 12:17

I would set up a separate email address so he can contact you through that about the children.

Original poster
Motherrosebud · 28/12/2019 12:20

I already only have text conversations with him as he's a compulsive liar so I do like to keep evidence, infact I was looking through my emails yesterday and found conversations about the DC from 2013, where I was still having issues with him regarding contact, he would cancel at the last minute or just not turn up.

In a way I'm glad he's gone, but angry as I wanted to move out of the area due to my own financial difficulties, but he begged me to stay and it's only got worse for me and my DC as were now stuck in crap temporary accommodation and have been since we split as I couldnt afford the rent on my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherrosebud · 28/12/2019 12:39

I'll be totally honest I've never had an issue with him having contact and have probably pushed it onto him and argued way too much trying to include him, but the recent argument in front of my DC was what prompted me to stop contact. As I said he cheated on his partner and when she found out wouldn't let him out of her sight, at the time I was also having a few family problems and ex was meant to have had the DC for the day, however when I turned up at his Dms house to drop them off he wouldn't let me in, instead he came out the door screaming and shouting telling me to fuck off and take my children as he didn't want to look after them and had a relationship to fix and he would contact me when he wants to see them, he didn't contact me until 7 weeks after that argument. My DC were so hurt by that confrontation that I'm seriously concerned for their mental health if he was to continue behaving like that, one minute wanting to be with them the next not caring about them enough to see them.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 28/12/2019 12:41

There comes a point when you have to realise that further contact will hurt your DC's more than a clean break. You can't force him to be a good father. Pursue him for child support and leave it at that.

Original poster
Motherrosebud · 28/12/2019 12:51

I'm sorry I just haven't stopped crying as I don't know if I'm doing the right thing re stopping contact, I really don't want him to take me to court and I lose my children.
I have been a single parent pretty much their whole lives, with little input from him as I said in my OP and he is so manipulative that him moving is just the tip of a very big iceberg with him and I'm trying not to drip feed, but he would often disappear for days at a when we were together. I now know he was cheating, but has been doing this on and off for 7 years.

OP posts:
conduitoffortune · 28/12/2019 12:59

He's not going to make an application to court, he can't even be arsed seeing them when he's agreed to. Even if he does take you to court, he'll get EOW and won't stick to that anyway. He's a tin pot man, don't have any regard for anything he says.

rainbowstardrops · 28/12/2019 13:00

He sounds like an absolute shit. I can't see him making much effort to see his children though if I'm honest. How old are they?

stellabelle · 28/12/2019 13:03

don't want him to take me to court and I lose my children

You don't have to worry about that at all. He hasn't bothered to see them for three months - no judge would consider taking your kids away and giving them to a dead beat dad like him. You'll be better off without him and so will the kids.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 28/12/2019 13:05

Can I apologise please? Im on my phone, scrolling through with my thumb which voted YABU!!!

Obviously you are NOT, your ex is a test of the highest order and YANBU at all.

So, apologies for my accidental vote Blush

stellabelle · 28/12/2019 13:07

You don't have to stop contact - just agree to row and say it's his job to come and get them. Going by his previous history , he won't bother. And you'll be free of him. If the kids hardly see him now, they won't notice any difference.

stellabelle · 28/12/2019 13:08
  • Agree to eow - not row !
makingmammaries · 28/12/2019 13:10

He’s worse than useless. On that basis, the further away he moves, the better. You’re essentially raising the DC alone already, so just enjoy being free of him.

Original poster
Motherrosebud · 28/12/2019 13:11

@CuriousaboutSamphire it's fine no need to apologise. Smile

Thank you all I know deep down he wouldn't make an application, but it's scary none the less as I have never stopped contact before and wouldn't want a judge to view it as me being spiteful.

OP posts:
Vic49 · 28/12/2019 13:17

I'm in a similar situation. My court order states my exdh sees our youngest dss every other weekend, one night during the week and half of all holidays. This worked for all of two months until he met his new gf. He sees him 4 days maximum a month - a few hours a day on those days - and barely then unless he has to.

He wont take you to court, if he did the judge would chastise him and he would make a complete idiot of himself. Feel free to DM me for some moral support from someone who is living it too.

Original poster
Motherrosebud · 28/12/2019 14:29

The worse thing is she isn't a new gf, she's been around for at least 7 years and was the Ow in two of his relationships ours and the woman he cheated on me with and got into a relationship with after I left him for assaulting me, so she's finally got her man!

A lot of this did start when they fully got into a relationship, he'd started to be around more for the dcs, taking them out collecting from school etc then stopped seeing them at the weekend lied about the fact he was with her and moving in together, then didn't see them for weeks as their relationship was always full of drama.

OP posts:
Grumpos · 28/12/2019 15:04

Just let him take you to court to set formal contact - you might not even get to ‘court’, there is a process of discussion and mediation first so things can be sorted and agreed then.

You aren’t going to ‘lose’ your children? Why would you? He’s moved hours away from their home, school, family etc - there are no safe guarding issues with you I assume? And he’s shown very little commitment for last few years. There’s no reason to think they’d apply for or get full custody - extremely unlikely.

I don’t think you should just stop access, you should encourage contact, but obviously he has to do the travel and organising. Withholding access without safeguarding reasons isn’t a good thing to do

Original poster
Motherrosebud · 28/12/2019 17:47

@Grumpos Theres no safeguarding issues per say as he's never been physically violent towards them only me, but he does have anger issues and doesn't know how to deal with ds when he has a meltdown down, other than to shout in his face.

I didn't take stopping contact lightly and didn't pretty much follow my children's reaction to what had happened and tbh I'd had enough of his violent outbursts and threats towards me anytime I'd ask him for something.

As I said this is all only the tip of the iceberg and have had to put up with my children sobbing everytime he let's them down, or being scared he's going to hit me.
I have tried everything I possibly could to keep facilitating contact with them, such as meeting in public, having family do drop offs. Albeit a shit one I don't want them to not have a father, they're 9 so still quite young and I'm trying my best.

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherrosebud · 28/12/2019 17:49

His dm is speaking him today about the situation to try and be a mediator, so hopefully it does come to some sort of resolve. I just think his whole attitude and this move is beyond selfish and clearly wasn't thought through with our DC in mind.

OP posts:
ohwheniknow · 28/12/2019 17:55

he does have anger issues and doesn't know how to deal with ds when he has a meltdown down, other than to shout in his face

Abusing his child is a safeguarding issue.

ProfessionalBoss · 29/12/2019 07:38

I'm sorry, but I believe YABU. He is your ex partner, and he does not need your approval to move home, or job, etc. Stopping contact as soon as you were told he was moving, with the woman who "got her man" suggests that you are still hurting, are extremely bitter, and are using the children as a way to control your ex partner.

slipperywhensparticus · 29/12/2019 07:43

She didnt stop contact when he moved she stopped when he told her to fuck off with her children he had a relationship to fix

Perhaps if he wasnt acting like a cunt she could discuss it like an adult with him

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