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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry dcs dad has moved without telling me?

40 replies

Motherrosebud · 28/12/2019 11:15

I am absolutely livid with exdp, who has decided to tell me only yesterday that he and his partner have moved almost 2 hours away from our DC, pretty much leaving me alone in the shit.

He's not the greatest father so it's by no means the worst thing that could've happened, however there was absolutely no discussion with me about the impact it will have on the children. He now won't be around to see them after school, nor do I have him there should an emergency arise or will he ever take them to their hobbies.

He has asked to see them eow, however he hasn't seen them for 3 months and he lived 10 minutes away so I'm not quite sure how that will work as he doesn't have a driving licence as far as I'm aware, but he's gf does so I assume it will be down to her to do all the driving.

I have so many issues surrounding them both and know that his gf is the driving force behind the move, as she doesn't want him anywhere near me or his family and was the main reason he hasn't seen the DC, because she doesn't trust him he's a serial cheat and got caught out 3 months ago
I honestly don't know what to do for the best now, the DC don't know what's going on as I haven't told them and no doubt he will leave it up to me to do so, I'm just so tired of dealing with the whole shitstorm he leaves behind.

I know they/she wants children as she miscarried 5 months ago, so again the situation is only going to get worse for my DC once that does happen, as just won't be there for them.
All I've had for the last few days is abusive texts threatening me with court, because I have stopped contact now due to his lack of responsibility, lies, threats of violence towards me and the simple fact he constantly lets them down, which has been going on for years.

I asked him to come and meet me yesterday, this was before I knew he'd moved to discuss our DC which he agreed to, only for him to inform me 10 mins before we was due to meet that he couldnt get there as his gf wasn't back, so it doesn't look good does it? I know I'm probably just rambling but I'm so angry and don't know if I have a right to be?

OP posts:

sameasiteverwasantiques · 29/12/2019 07:44

If he had move somewhere in the local area then the OP wouldn't need to know but moving 2 hours away of course she needs to know. It obviously will affect how often he sees the children and the routine needs changing.

TheWinterCaillech · 29/12/2019 07:52

He doesn’t sound a positive influence in your children’s lives.
I agree with the email/paper trail idea, if you lose or damage your phone, the texts are lost, so email is better. Even if you are backing up a text with an email. Keep a diary of every time he was supposed to have them, including cancellations and incidents.
No, you have no control over him moving, but if he wants contact, it’s up to him to be consistent and organised. TBH, your children might be better off with him not bothering. How old are they, if the sorry mess has been going on for years?

Graphista · 29/12/2019 08:33

This is in many ways sooooo similar to my situation

But in hindsight and if I could go back in time? I would not have goaded him into taking me to court when it was clear he had no real interest in a relationship with dd, I also wouldn't bend over backwards to facilitate contact on the rare occasions he did bother

I'd let him withdraw from dds life which I believe if I'd let things take their natural course would have happened when she was young enough to forget him.

Would have been much better for her if I had and I massively regret what I did but I honestly thought that I was doing what I was supposed to by trying to keep him in her life.

Instead he disappeared out of her life at the worst possible stage just as she was starting high school and entering the pre-teen years which is a difficult stage anyway.

Let him go op, he's neither use nor ornament anyway!

Your dc will be better off with a steady loving influence from you and no uncertainty regards ex.

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2019 08:45

He now won't be around to see them after school, nor do I have him there should an emergency arise or will he ever take them to their hobbies

He wasn't doing any of that anyway.

I think your life will be much calmer.

Try and sort out your accommodation and make sure you Perdue him for money.

I hope you have a much better 2020.

Original poster

Motherrosebud · 29/12/2019 19:23

@ProfessionalBoss I didn't stop contact because he moved nor because of his gf. We have been separated for almost 7 years because he headbutted me when I asked him to come somewhere with myself and the dcs, she is more than welcome to him there is absolutely no bitterness here! I stopped contact because he was shouting at me threatening me with violence in front of my children, telling me to fuck off with them as he basically had his relationship to sort out, so I walked!
I also never said he needed my permission to move anywhere, but perhaps a heads up as to the fact that any arrangements we may have had in place were now null and void as he wouldn't be living 10 mins away anymore, not in a text message after we had arranged to meet to discuss our DC.

OP posts:

geekone · 29/12/2019 19:36

Did you mean head butted😱

Starlight456 · 29/12/2019 19:41

I would leave him to it currently . Any response he enjoys.

She doesn’t want him to see kids so isn’t going to pick them up. A Nrp should be telling partner this is when I see kids end of.

You already are unable to rely on him.

I turned up at mediation with a ex he was as lax he couldn’t manage his 2 hours a fortnight. I had a calendar with the dates he cancelled and why. He was not best pleased.

Ignore his threats of courts his focus isn’t on kids but he will revel in any response

Original poster

Motherrosebud · 29/12/2019 19:53

Yes @geekone he head butted me and that as well as his cheating is why I left the relationship.

I know I'm not able to rely on him now and never really have been able to, it's just angered me that yet again he's telling me what he plans to re contact and was simply lying knowing full well he's not going to be able to keep up with it.

OP posts:

Starlight456 · 29/12/2019 20:03

Can I be clear yanbu to be pissed off with him . Most are just talking about how to manage the situation not say yabu

BaolFan · 29/12/2019 20:09

I'd email him back (rather than text) and clearly explain to him that you will make the children available to see him, but that as he has chosen to move away then he will need to do the travelling. And that if this doesn't suit then he is welcome to take you to court - where you'll be able to provide them with the history of his failure to see them despite living locally.

I'd block his phone because you don't need abusive texts coming through at all hours of the day - email is a bit more distant.

Whatsername177 · 29/12/2019 20:11

I think you need to focus on you now. Can you still move to a cheaper area? If yes, do it. Ask him for a proposal for contact - EOW, fine, but where? Who will do pick up/drop offs? You need a 24 hour cancellation notice etc. I would agree with the hope that he will just withdraw from their lives without putting your DC through the mill. He sounds like a giant twat.

Original poster

Motherrosebud · 29/12/2019 20:24

I'm not sure if I'm able to move out, but will contact the council I'm with to see if they can help with moving me out of the area.

This is the issue with him, he is so secretive and stubborn he's pretty much unwilling to give me the information I'm asking for re contact. He's more of a let's see what happens type of person rather than one who is willing to put down solid plans.
If I ask him who will be doing pick ups/drop offs I'll be told to mind my own business I have literally had this conversation with him so many times I feel like I just don't even have the strength to do it all again. I know that sounds as if I'm unwilling and I'm really not, I'm just tired!

I've just been looking into mediation as someone upthread mentioned that, that would be what happens prior to court has anyone had any experience with it? What usually happens? As I would be willing to try that if it works.

OP posts:

Whatsername177 · 29/12/2019 20:34

If he behaves like that, tell him to take you to court - the judge will insist he explains his plans and informs you of arrangements. Mediation can be brilliant but will only work if he engages.

geekone · 30/12/2019 14:01

oh Dear, no contact is best in that situation.

Original poster

Motherrosebud · 31/12/2019 00:21

I've been going over a lot of things in my own head today and its just making me angry that he thinks it's ok for him to just bugger off. No contact is going to be difficult and I think I need to do it for his whole family

OP posts:

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