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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think she's just being rude now?

34 replies

BearSoFair · 28/12/2019 10:42

I have a friend who is notoriously tricky to make plans with. We try to catch up once a month. When we do actually meet up, she's great company and we have a really good time, she's also helped us as a family through some difficult times in the past so I don't really want to end the friendship or stop seeing her, BUT lately it is getting ridiculous.

In the summer we had a theatre trip booked, she cancelled in the week before. She did seem genuinely apologetic and disappointed, she still paid for her ticket and I still went and had a lovely time.

Met up in September and October without incident.

Last month we had plans for coffee, she cancelled on the day. Frustrating but I know her sister had been ill so thought fair enough, maybe she was going to help out with her.

We made plans to meet yesterday, she texted 2 hours beforehand asking if we could shift to today, as she was working online from home and no one else was logged in. I do already have plans for today but should be free for the afternoon so I thought ok, just a quick catch up for an hour...she's just text again asking 'can I let you know half an hour beforehand, might not be available' FFS. Half an hour's notice once she's decided if she feels like it?

She's taking the piss a bit isn't she? I'm starting to wonder if she actually just has better offers coming in and I'm the one who's getting pushed down the list. To me, it sends a message of 'my time is more important than yours, it doesn't matter if I leave you hanging' as if she doesn't care that I'm making an effort to see her.

WIBU to say no, if she's not sure then we can just arrange for the New Year...and then make no effort to actually make new plans? I hope that eventually she'll be the one to suggest something, because as I say, I do really enjoy her company, but I'm getting fed up of her repeatedly backing out of what we've arranged.

OP posts:

forevercurious · 28/12/2019 10:44

I’d definitely suggest meeting in the New Year and see if she initiates meeting up.

Daisydoola · 28/12/2019 10:51

Nah I'd cancel and tell her to let you know when she's definitely free.

Freddiefox · 28/12/2019 10:54

Just say that doesn’t suit you to hang around and wait, and see what she says

mummmy2017 · 28/12/2019 10:57

Just tell her that as she is unsure, you will leave it.
Also say let me know when you are free for the day.

Concestor · 28/12/2019 10:57

I think I'd say: no not really. I'd rather you just committed to seeing me. Or do you not want to meet up?

And see what she says.

FairyLightsAreMyCrack · 28/12/2019 10:58

Does she suffer with anxiety?

Lionsleepstonight · 28/12/2019 11:02

I'd be honest and say a 30 min cancellation window dosnt work for me. If today's trickery let's plan in advance a Jan meet up.

Original poster

BearSoFair · 28/12/2019 11:02

No anxiety that I know of. We've been good friends since we were 12 so I think she'd tell me, but of course I can't be 100% sure.

I've texted back 'Today would be a bit of a rush anyway, let's just wait until New Year when things are quieter' then I'll leave it to her to instigate a meeting.

It's annoyed me because she was the one who asked to swap to today and now she's looking flaky again!

OP posts:

beautifulstranger101 · 28/12/2019 11:03

No no no. It doesn't matter if she has anxiety or not- you can't continually be messed about like this. Has she ever considered that her constantly cancelling might cause YOU anxiety? I bet she hasn't.

This is your time she is continually wasting- time that you could have spent doing other things and making other plans. She's a flake. I would not bother making any other plans with her. We all know shit happens and people get ill but this is a pattern of behaviour that keeps on happening over and over again.

I would not make any other plans with her. If she suggests something, I would say "are you sure? you cancelled the last three times at the last minute and to be honest, it quite upset me" see what she says. If you make it clear that this behaviour is upsetting you and she carries on doing it- there's your answer. She's no friend.

Dacquoise · 28/12/2019 11:10

You have fallen into the 'option' slot in her life whilst she is still in the 'priority' slot in yours. This is never going to be an even relationship which will eat away at your self esteem. You can either attempt a regroup by having it out with her, relegate her to the 'option slot in your life or walk away which you have already indicated you don't want to do. Unfortunately you can't make yourself more important to her which is disappointing and sad for you but perhaps a change of perspective will help.

Inforthelonghaul · 28/12/2019 11:10

Just tell her to let you know when she’s free and you’ll see if you’re available. Then text her on the day and say it doesn’t work for you and can we change it for the day after. Then on the day see how you feel..........

TheReef · 28/12/2019 11:12

You've dine the right thing OP. Leave it up to her now

Livelovebehappy · 28/12/2019 11:15

I have friends who demand quite a bit of my time, like weekly meet-ups. I work full time and have an ill dm who I try to visit each week, plus DCs who I spend time with, and I get a bit resentful when I see texts pop up to arrange meetings when I may have just seen them the week before, especially at this time of year. But I think in your situation where events are arranged for theatres etc, then YANBU as it’s a huge inconvenience to have to rearrange and sort out things that have been booked and paid for, and it sounds like she has a lot of form for cancelling.

beautifulstranger101 · 28/12/2019 11:18

I think what's baffling about these scenarios is that its often the flaky person who is the one INITIATING the plans. If the OP was hassling her to meet up you could sort of understand her making excuses but its often they flaky one who suggests meeting up who then cancels at the last minute.

Its weird as hell.

FairyLightsAreMyCrack · 28/12/2019 11:19

I was talking about chronic anxiety, which can make life unbearable. It does matter- it could be that she is suffering, or it could be that she is a shit friend.

@BearSoFair If there is nothing underlying I would just ask her directly what is going on, and tell her that it makes you feel second best. She may just be a bit thoughtless and need it spelling out.

Tistheseason17 · 28/12/2019 11:20

She is important to you - but you are no longer that important to her.

Sorry.

Disengage and see if she contacts you to make plans - i doubt it.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 28/12/2019 11:22

Sometimes people have a lot going in in their lives. You've been friends fit a really long time, she has been there when you've really needed her. You aren't bu to suggest leaving it today but don't ditch get completely.

LazyDaisey · 28/12/2019 11:23

I don’t think it’s weird - she’s working and she’s underestimated stuff there’s to do so she’s stressed and overbooked herself... but also feels guilty (probably because rightly or wrongly you give her attitude when she does).

Honestly, I’d doubt she’d be in catch up mode when she’s thinking of stuff she needs doing the minute she leaves the coffee shop

beautifulstranger101 · 28/12/2019 11:25

I was talking about chronic anxiety, which can make life unbearable. It does matter- it could be that she is suffering, or it could be that she is a shit friend

So what is OP supposed to do- continually make plans knowing they'll probably be dropped at the last moment? That would cause ME anxiety. Why should my friend be causing me anxiety? If you have chronic anxiety then tell your friend and perhaps be self aware enough to stop suggesting plans that you know damn well you aren't going to follow through with. Take some time out to seek help for yourself.

MurrayTheMonk · 28/12/2019 11:35

I have a friend-my oldest friend-who does exactly this.In fact she has just messaged me now to cancel on me for New Year's Eve. (I knew she would do this so it hasn't upset me that much).

A few weeks ago we had plans to go out for my birthday which she cancelled the day before as she was ill (but still at work). I was cross at that and told her so. We eventually settled on staying in with take out. She had a sniffly cold but that was all.

I'm still annoyed about it. I don't want to cut her from life totally-I love her. But I also decided that that was enough. I'm not going to make plans with just her anymore that I will mind being cancelled-so as per new year-she was invited to what I am doing with other friends. Thus I don't lose out when she inevitably cancels.

I asked her outright during the birthday discussion if she'd just rather cut the friendship altogether. She got very defensive and then upset and said no. I wonder if she is a bit depressed or it might be that she has a boyfriend now who I don't know that well but who maybe influences her choices a bit. Who knows? I've made it clear she can talk to me if she wants to about anything that's bothering her-she has so far chosen not to. Perhaps it's just that I'm not that important to her 🤷🏽‍♀️

So that's how I'm playing it going forwards. I will include her in things but I won't depend on her showing up-and if she does then great and if she doesn't then her loss.

Could you take that approach maybe?

Beautiful3 · 28/12/2019 11:37

This used to be me. I had chronic anxiety. I always wanted to meet up with friends but bad thoughts made me cancel at the last minute. I'm not surprised my friends stopped asking to meet up. Since addressing my anxiety using holistic methods, I have no problem meeting up with new friends.

FairyLightsAreMyCrack · 28/12/2019 11:37

Fortunately I don't have chronic anxiety, but thanks for the advice.

Clearly there would be a different approach towards supporting a friend who has anxiety and is struggling, and dealing with a friend who is simply thoughtless. I would hope most people would want to help their friends if they are struggling instead of just expecting them to sort themselves out.

In any case the OP has said she doesn't think it is anxiety so this discussion has become pointless

FairyLightsAreMyCrack · 28/12/2019 11:40

@beautiful3 I'm sorry for your struggles but glad to hear you're doing so well

beautifulstranger101 · 28/12/2019 11:42

Look- I completely agree 100% that if a friend has anxiety then you should help them through it.

All i'm saying is, you cannot expect to continually flake on someone without there being consequences. They will eventually tire of making plans only to have them cancelled, no matter what the reason. I had a friend who did this, he would suggest stuff then cancel 30 mins beforehand and he had no idea of the hassle I went through to make those plans. I had to arrange childcare, sometimes at a cost to meet up with him for a night out so him cancelling meant i was losing money for no reason. I can't continue doing that, no matter how anxious he was.

Spacebowlisback · 28/12/2019 11:46

I would imagine that she thought she’d now need to work tomorrow since no one else was logged in, and then some people logged in.

However, she shouldn’t be asking that of you, no. It’s unfair.

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