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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to expect sex to be a REAL and INEXTRICABLE part of marriage?

78 replies

jillowarriorqueen · 28/12/2019 02:28

So I married a man who was in his early 30s and a virgin, due to religious reasons. He believed sex was to only be enjoyed within marriage. This was 20 odd years ago.

I was more experienced than him, but tried to be sensitive to that fact on our wedding night, so as not to overwhelm him.

Over the coming years, our sex life was comprised of him rolling on me at times, fucking me, prematurely ejaculating, then going to sleep.

A short while after we married, he started sleeping apart from me due to having a bad knee, back etc, which eventually started me staying up later to play on the computer etc etc.

At one point we decided to go full on for a family and we had a lot of sex during that time, none of which was at all satisfying for me and purely pragmatic - but which did the job of TTC a number of kids.

Weirdly we managed to conceive 8 kids - 6 of which never made it beyond the first few weeks. Two did in that time and we had beautiful daughters.

90 percent of our marriage, my DH has slept elsewhere in the house, from the spare bed to the downstairs sofa. He knows how lonely this makes me feel, but says he can't sleep with me whilst he can't "have me". What he means by this is that I won't just allow him to fuck me on a whim and just let him sleep before he makes me cum. He has done this so many times over the years. This seems very selfish to me.

AIBU to expect more after almost 24 years of marriage? My DH never seems to care about my needs sexually. Just his own. If his own can't be satisfied, he withdraws from me entirely. Should I expect another 20 or 30 years sleeping alone, with no sex, no intimacy? I've had a fucking lifetime of this crap? He's a good dad and a good husband in all of the practical ways. Just shit at the intimacy part.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 28/12/2019 08:13

Have you talked about wanting a sex life that you both enjoy, when he says he can't have you?

Does he understand that sex should be mutually enjoyable and that you haven't been enjoying it thus far?

If you don't enjoy it why would you want him to get off and leave you high and dry.

MotherOfAllChristmases · 28/12/2019 08:21

Have you thought of counselling?

CodenameVillanelle · 28/12/2019 08:23

I don't know why you think this will get any better. He's shown you for the last 20 years that he's not interested in being any better at sex so what do you expect? You can either put up with it or leave him.

velvetnose · 28/12/2019 08:28

Gosh, this is why you always take the car out for a test drive before you buy, isn't it?

After all that time I'd either have gotten rid fully or I'd be getting it somewhere else, I'm afraid.

kristallen · 28/12/2019 08:30

He's not asexual (as someone above suggested) because he's quite happy to initiate and have sex. He just doesn't give a shit about your experience. Not one, tiny shit.

You already know that this marriage is killing a part of you. The thought of this over the next 20-30 years is unbearable.

So get things ready. Do you work? Can you support yourself? This is really important because, psychologically, if you can't can compound the feeling of worthlessness you get from him. It also makes you free to choose whether you stay or go.

Then get him the book "She Comes First". It is a good one. Simple language, guy to guy. Tell him you're really unhappy with your lack of orgasms in sex. Be serious in the discussion but calm. Check if he reads it - not by asking, but look at the book, is there a bookmark, is it moving. Do not argue about it. At this point there's nothing to argue about.

If he reads it, good start. He needs to then put that into action and discussing it would be a good start. At no point should you let him think something is comfortable if it's not or arousing if it's not. You can just say "that's not working for me right now" or better still, guide him to do it better "I love that harder, softer, to the left, right" etc. He should respond to what you like. Don't lie there having him experiment with your body or treat it with anything other than full respect. His goal is to make you feel pleasure in the beginning - orgasm can come later - not like you're a participant in a live anatomy lesson.

If he's not bothering to read it, it will probably drive you nuts - because the pain of him not giving a shit about your sexual pleasure will be triggered. But you will have an answer to whether this is to be the rest of your life or not. And then you have the control about what you want. Do you choose to accept no sexual pleasure or intimacy ever again or do you give yourself the chance of that experience?

You can also go to specialised sex therapy but I'm betting he won't do that. There is also a Relate book about sex that has good exercises in it at the back but I think your DH needs She Comes First to get the message across. Even if he doesn't read it, an important message has been conveyed.

And at no point in this should there be thoughts about "I can't break up my family because I'm not getting good sex". Unless you feel this life is one you want for both your daughters. If you choose not to accept being treated like a glory hole (harsh but that's about the sum of it) for the rest of your life, your DDs will still have a relationship with their DF (unless he's a dick about that, but that's not your responsibility). They will also have a chance to see their mother feeling fulfilled and happy. They have zero chance of that now. Ever.

And don't downplay the significance that extreme lack of physical intimacy over years has on all areas of your life. This isn't about lack of sex. It's about not being cherished. It's about living day in and day out with someone you know doesn't care enough to make you feel good, who not only won't ever put your physical needs before his, but completely negates that you could possibly have any. There's something about sex that is completely underestimated in our culture (maybe others too, I don't know). There's the idea that we don't have a right to it, or should be able to do without it, other things are more important. And that is doubled if you're a woman. But there's a lot of faulty thinking in that. So my advice is just not to go down that route: you're not asexual, yet you're basically being expected to live in a situation as if you were (because him penetrating you doesn't exactly count).

Also, the fact he was a virgin is a bit of a red herring. Everybody was a virgin at some point! After he wasn't a virgin, then what has he done?

Maybe your DH will be different than mine. Mine didn't change. It broke me. But, then I ended up meeting someone else who brought me multiple orgasms - when I believed my body couldn't ever do that because it was so unaccustomed to anybody touching it. There's no easy route ahead of you, but there is a possibility of great sex if you want it.

PenelopeFlintstone · 28/12/2019 08:37

@poppycity
Penelope Flintstone - age has nothing to do with it. Did I say it did?
Kristallen I think that’s the book they mentioned!

TwinsTrollsandHunz · 28/12/2019 08:40

Great post @kristallen

category12 · 28/12/2019 08:56

I voted YABU, because you've accepted this for 24 years. It seems rather unfair to change the goal-posts nearly a quarter of a century after the game started.

Ihavethefinalsleigh · 28/12/2019 08:58

🤔

StarlightLady · 28/12/2019 08:59

This is awful. Look for someone who will meet your needs.

You would be better off with regular one night stands than this. NB: I am not suggesting this is the best way forward.

Unfortuntely, his upbringing has destroyed sucessful intimacy.

Hugtheduggee · 28/12/2019 09:28

Wow. I think you are both unreasonable.

I can 100% see why you are frustrated, but if you come across to job anything like you do on here, I can see that making the situation much worse rather than better.

If course you should teach him. Its in your interests to, age is irrelevant. Its your job, gently and lovingly to direct him, being very dismissive and critical of him, is likely to be counterproductive. I really don't see how you managed to get to where your are today - this should have been sorted decades before.

Sharing a bed is not really linked to sex, so maybe treat them as separate things

kristallen · 28/12/2019 10:31

category12 so she has no right to ever be happy because she hasn't been sexually happy so far?!

If he was hitting her should she not leave because she accepted it for 24 years?

If he was controlling her spending, should she accept that for the rest of her life too?

Assuming he is otherwise healthy then what he's doing is a form of neglect. He's happy to have orgasms using her body but not interested in her having any. Unless he's never read a book or watched anything on screen, he must have some awareness that women can have sexual pleasure too. OP has tried to talk to him and he refuses to discuss it.

Unintentional or not, suggesting she put up with it because she already has is victim blaming and places all the responsibility on her. You can't discuss sex with someone who is more committed to avoiding the discussion than they are in finding out how to pleasure you.

Mammyloveswine · 28/12/2019 10:59

OMG my husband can be useless in other ways but by god he is great in bed!!

I could not cope with a sexless marriage at all, how selfish! Hope you have rabbit!!

kristallen · 28/12/2019 11:21

btw OP in answer to the question on your thread title, there are people out there who do not feel the need for sex, both partners, so sex doesn't form a part of their marriage and their relationship is in no way weakened because of that. Your situation is different though. Your question is "Is it ok for my husband to want to use my body for sex, with no interest in either pleasuring me or discussing it and for this to continue until death us do part?"

DesignedForLife · 28/12/2019 11:27

Is he still religious? There are some very good religious books out there that will help him understand he needs to give too. Look up “the act of marriage”.

You need to have a frank discussion with him. Ultimately either you love each other enough to be willing to work on this, or you would be better off to move on.

Vanhi · 28/12/2019 14:00

Also, the fact he was a virgin is a bit of a red herring. Everybody was a virgin at some point! After he wasn't a virgin, then what has he done?

I think this is a very important point. He hasn't been a virgin for over 20 years. He's had two decades to practise with one person. He could have worked this all out by now if he wanted to. He could be very experienced by now. He isn't.

BlueSuffragette · 28/12/2019 15:26

Sorry OP he sounds really selfish. Unless you tell him how unhappy it makes you then there is zero chance of it changing. He needs to understand that making love is about mutual pleasure. Otherwise he is just using your body. Sounds like he has real sexual hangups. The relationship does not sound like it is but on equality, love and respect of each other. You should feel able to discuss your feelings with your husband otherwise he is not emotionally invested in the relationship. As a result you feel unloved and unsupported. Time to consider if you need to move on and find a new love who will help to fulfil your hopes and dreams. Don't let this man spoil your life anymore.

Blueskywhy · 28/12/2019 15:28

Unless its been agreed in advance, sex is part of marriage.

You can see most many posts on this topic on mumsnet, where one of the partners no longer wants sex, or avoids it. It must be AWFUL for the the other person involved.

Based on posts I've read it seems to happen to men just as much as women? Or maybe a MN bias?

I know from real life, that change has been the major factor in several people I know ending relationships in 40s/50s/60s, and they all wish they had ended it sooner.

FabbyChix · 28/12/2019 15:31

If a marriage can’t survive without sex it’s not the right relationship to be in.

Ponoka7 · 28/12/2019 16:02

"if a marriage can’t survive without sex it’s not the right relationship to be in"

There being a lack of a sex life, when both people are healthy, is usually a symptom of deeper issues. It isn't the lack of sex that's the issue, or reason to end a relationship, but the lack of communication, willing to try to overcome the problem and the lack of consideration.

kristallen · 28/12/2019 16:26

If a marriage can’t survive without sex it’s not the right relationship to be in.

Nah.

If a marriage has one partner sexually unsatisfied for years, it's not the relationship they should be in.

category12 · 28/12/2019 16:51

Kristallen, I wouldn't suggesting she put up with it for the rest of her life, no. But I think she's flogging a dead horse with this man. I think it's really really strange to have gone along with this for 24 years and now be all it's make or break time and expect him to change.

OneUsernameOnly · 28/12/2019 17:04

I voted YABU only because I do think YABU for even asking the question about staying in this awful situation.

MulticolourMophead · 28/12/2019 17:06

When a friend of mine got married about 25-30 years ago, the vicar did his wedding sermon, and there was explicit mention of the role sex plays in marriage. That it binds couples together, and that it should be good for both (I remember seeing my friend's mum squirming a bit, and red faced Grin).

Him being a virgin is, as others have said, a red herring, and so is the "for religious reasons". He should have been working with you to make it mutually satisfying, and as he doesn't (and doesn't want to talk about it) makes him selfish.

I would also wonder if he was gay. He wants sex in a way that doesn't acknowledge you are female, no touching, etc, and these days I wouldn't tolerate this.

I think, OP, you can try a last attempt to talk, but be prepared to end the marriage if you feel you can't reconcile with the idea of the next 20-30 years with someone like this.

You wouldn't be ending things because of lack of sex, but because you're not happy. That's a good enough reason, and ignore those in RL who tell you that you need to suck it up. You don't. You have as much right to be happy as anyone else, ignore the social conditioning that women are supposed to put themselves last.

Lizzie0869 · 28/12/2019 22:14

*Is he gay? Or asexual?

It doesn't sound like he was curious about sex or chomping at the bit to try it back when you first married. Bit unusual not to want to experiment once you're finally out the gate. Unless he has no actual interest in sex, or sex with a woman.*

^This is a good point. My DH and I are committed Christians and he was also a virgin when we married. He was definitely chomping at the bit to get intimate with me. Smile