Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect sex to be a REAL and INEXTRICABLE part of marriage?

78 replies

jillowarriorqueen · 28/12/2019 02:28

So I married a man who was in his early 30s and a virgin, due to religious reasons. He believed sex was to only be enjoyed within marriage. This was 20 odd years ago.

I was more experienced than him, but tried to be sensitive to that fact on our wedding night, so as not to overwhelm him.

Over the coming years, our sex life was comprised of him rolling on me at times, fucking me, prematurely ejaculating, then going to sleep.

A short while after we married, he started sleeping apart from me due to having a bad knee, back etc, which eventually started me staying up later to play on the computer etc etc.

At one point we decided to go full on for a family and we had a lot of sex during that time, none of which was at all satisfying for me and purely pragmatic - but which did the job of TTC a number of kids.

Weirdly we managed to conceive 8 kids - 6 of which never made it beyond the first few weeks. Two did in that time and we had beautiful daughters.

90 percent of our marriage, my DH has slept elsewhere in the house, from the spare bed to the downstairs sofa. He knows how lonely this makes me feel, but says he can't sleep with me whilst he can't "have me". What he means by this is that I won't just allow him to fuck me on a whim and just let him sleep before he makes me cum. He has done this so many times over the years. This seems very selfish to me.

AIBU to expect more after almost 24 years of marriage? My DH never seems to care about my needs sexually. Just his own. If his own can't be satisfied, he withdraws from me entirely. Should I expect another 20 or 30 years sleeping alone, with no sex, no intimacy? I've had a fucking lifetime of this crap? He's a good dad and a good husband in all of the practical ways. Just shit at the intimacy part.

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 28/12/2019 04:58

There's not really an onus on you to teach him, but it might be in your best interests.

Agree but it's a bit bloody late now.

GinNsnowmen · 28/12/2019 05:03

How does he react when sex scenes are on tv and they are so different to what he does

Scarsthelot · 28/12/2019 05:06

He's 6 years older than I am. Why is the onus on me to teach him things?

You are more experienced. You knew this when you married. Both of you need to make the effort. If either one of you doesnt want to make the effort it's done.

He isnt naturally good in bed. His age isnt relevant.

It sounds like you resent that fact, even though you were aware of it. In all honesty it sound like you are at least part ofbthe issue. A much smaller part than he is. But a part all the same.

If sex is important to you (theres no shame in that) you need to end the marriage and find someone experienced who is also willing to listen to make sex great for you.

Do is 3 years old than me and more experienced. Sex was good at first. But over time we both out the effort in to listen and read body language so that sex is even better for both of us.

howdisappointing · 28/12/2019 05:13

He sounds awful, insensitive and utterly selfish. No idea why people are suggesting that you should be teaching him stuff after all this time - sounds like he's had more than enough opportunities to sort his shit out. Find someone who actually cares about you!

EssentialHummus · 28/12/2019 05:41

He sounds terrible, but in a kind of last-ditch effort to improve things I'd sit him down for a very plain-speaking talk about how sexual satisfaction is something for both of you, and how he is not giving you what you need (and you'll need to specify). Sympathies OP, it sounds very tough; I'm sorry you're going through this.

xJodiex · 28/12/2019 05:49

Depends what you want. You could talk to him but you say he hates talking about it. So.. Yes that's selfish of him. He's basically withholding/denying you any intimacy. And if you want that you either need to tell him you want that and he needs to makes changes to satisfy you or .. I guess you need to find another man who WILL give you what you want.

Side note: I was in a relationship like yours for over a decade (with no kids though). I was understanding and never pressured my ex but there came a point where I couldn't go without anymore ( I mean, I didn't even get hugs, never mind sex) My ex was abusive too in the end, so I ended it. I am now much MUCH happier Grin

jay55 · 28/12/2019 06:03

Is he gay? Or asexual?

It doesn't sound like he was curious about sex or chomping at the bit to try it back when you first married. Bit unusual not to want to experiment once you're finally out the gate. Unless he has no actual interest in sex, or sex with a woman.

dibdabber · 28/12/2019 06:10

Oh OP, you sound so miserable. He sounds selfish AF. Anyone can be inexperienced but only a selfish person doesn't ask or care whether their partner is enjoying themselves.

The lack of sex is difficult to deal with but a lack of intimacy as well and selfish obstinacy would kill any love there was left. Just leave him Flowers You deserve some love and kindness. And respect

poppycity · 28/12/2019 06:20

I think you need to have some compassion @PenelopeFlintstone age has nothing to do with it, there's likely underlying issues which could be related to inability to maintain an erection, shame, guilt, past history. I'd strongly advise counselling to work on both intimacy and communication. Two friends went as couples to both therapy and sex therapy with great results. Much stronger marriages, less resentment and progress with intimacy goals.

TooTrueToBeGood · 28/12/2019 06:22

You can teach a lover how to please you but you can't teach them to give a shit about you. If he cared about your emotional and physical needs he would at least make an effort. He is not interested. It won't get better. Accept that this is your life or change it, but don't delude yourself that he will change.

PerfectPretender · 28/12/2019 06:32

It sounds utterly miserable, op, and things might be so ingrained by now between the two of you that it could be impossible to change. Or he's a bit of a bastard. Hard to say, really.

I spent 18 years in a horrible marriage, bad sex was a symptom of him being a horrible human being. Not saying that's your situation, but yes, I agree with you that for me, a loving partnership requires a good sex life.

PicsInRed · 28/12/2019 06:54

Sounds like he never learned how to be a lover. You ever try to teach him?

You can't teach the unwilling strident - particularly the arrogant student who already knows all he needs to know and needs no teaching. 🤔

OP, FFS literally you've done your time, this is who he is, get out and have a sex life before it's too late.

Vanhi · 28/12/2019 06:59

Lack of sexual compatibility will kill relationships. Either work on this together or end it.

This. And since he won't work on it tbh I'd get out and find someone before you get any older and it's all too late. Life is short. It's too short for bad sex with someone who doesn't care about you. And don't let anyone make you feel bad for thinking sex is important. If it's important to you, that's hardly unusual. Great sex with someone in tune with you is a primary need for many of us.

AlaskanOilBaron · 28/12/2019 07:10

Jeez, OP. He sounds like he's just not that invested in your marriage. I'm very sorry, and no, you are not being unreasonable in the slightest.

LellyMcKelly · 28/12/2019 07:17

I was with a man exactly like yours for 16 years. We tried for our second child after a full year of no sex and I got pregnant first time. We never had sex again after that, and I ended it six years later. He’s now living happy with his boyfriend and sees the kids almost every day. He’s a great dad and a great friend to me, but when he came out I just went ‘ahhhh’. In retrospect it was so obvious. If he’s religious it is likely that being gay is frowned upon in his religion so he may have repressed many of his feelings.

Palavah · 28/12/2019 07:22

You can teach a lover how to please you but you can't teach them to give a shit about you.

This. You are not unreasonable to want more but I fear, given how you've described his attitude, that you may be unrealistic to expect it from him.

Howlovely · 28/12/2019 07:39

This sounds utterly miserable. I am not trying to be negative but I'm not sure he will be able to change. I find that when it comes to sex, not all people will leave their comfort zone. Of course, lots of people love to experiment and have very healthy attitudes towards and enjoyment of all different kinds of sex but some people are just not comfortable with certain aspects of sex. There is something I just will never, ever do and no amount of talking to my husband or therapist about it would ever make me want to do it. I wonder if it might be the same with your husband but on a more general scale? I guess nobody really wants to hear they're shit in bed and have never satisfied their partner, that's got to be hard to hear and would certainly dent their confidence. But at the same time you need to have your needs met. I just think that conversations about it have to happen in a way, if it's possible, that doesn't unnecessarily hurt the other person as being told you're shit between the sheets is absolutely not a turn on. I really hope yoi and your husband can work something out. Best of luck.

feelingverylazytoday · 28/12/2019 07:43

I don't understand why you've allowed this situation to go on for 20 odd years. The time to sort it out was at the beginning of the marriage, and yes, it was up to the most experienced partner, ie you, to take the lead.
I would guess your kids are older now, so I would think about ending the marriage.

CrunchyCarrot · 28/12/2019 07:48

He may simply be someone who isn't very keen on sex (and that could be for any number of reasons). However you two do need to talk about it (a difficult topic, I know) and the only way that can happen is for the conversation to be very non-accusatory. But at the end of the day you may have to accept he just isn't a sexual person, and at that point you have to decide how you want to continue with the relationship.

aufaitaccompli · 28/12/2019 07:50

OP taking the lead is one thing but being accountable is another.

You've tried to discuss it. He's not willing work on it.

This was my marriage. The dissonance between what he claimed he felt/wanted and what he actually did caused a tonne of damage. Wrecked the trust in the end.

I am not saying LTB although I did, rather that you have choices. They're both hard. It's about you and what you want, not what you THINK he wants.

May be projecting here but your situation struck a chord x

PlanDeRaccordement · 28/12/2019 07:53

YANBU to think sex is part of marriage or to want good sex.

That said YABU to expect a man who was a virgin until he to be a good lover without being taught. You don’t need a long discussion about what you like, you can show and tell. Experience matters in sex, not age.

I also think your “no sex unless you can make me cum” is BU because it would give anyone performance anxiety, even a very experienced and accomplished lover. It should be “no sex unless were both having fun”

If you want to salvage things with your husband, he does need to want to work with you. It takes two. He is BU to roll onto you and expect sex.
He is BU to say he won’t sleep in the same bed unless he can “have you”. I think you both need to change a bit to progress and if he’s not willing, then it’s either put up with it or divorce.

BoomZahramay · 28/12/2019 08:02

I would have thought him being a 30yo virgin was rather a big clue that he wasn't big on sex. Seems a bit daft to get upset about it 20 years later.

Just leave him. I can't understand why he got a second date, tbh, never mind a whole marriage.

JustACog · 28/12/2019 08:04

*jillowarriorqueen

He's 6 years older than I am. Why is the onus on me to teach him things?*

Are you hoping his mum will do it?

Getting the impression you've made a rod for your own back.

AfterSchoolWorry · 28/12/2019 08:07

Remained a virgin into his 30's 'for religious reasons'? Only has sex to conceive?

I'd be suspicious he's gay.

Christmaspug · 28/12/2019 08:11

I want to be understanding to your situation op .but I would of not put up with this level of bad love making even once .you put his hands / cock where you want them and show him how to please you ,you show him the pressure / strokes / you need ..
Perhaps you were not as experienced at pleasing yourself to be able to show him what you like ,?this is not all his fault as you have allowed the situation to continue.
I think he has behaved appallingly ,and I think you have been too nice about it ..I would not of made love a second time with a man who failed to attempt to meet my needs the first time .
I have great sympathy for you op 💐
We are about the same age ,I have only slept with my husband for religious reasons .i can assure u he would never of come near me again if he had tried such a dismal attempt at love making even once.
I think it’s time for some straight talking and if he won’t listen/ change ( unlikely after so long ).im afraid I’d end it with out hesitation.life is to short x good luck

Swipe left for the next trending thread