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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

have I done right ?

29 replies

spudlike1 · 27/12/2019 18:44

so my kids Step Aunty who they love stopped coming to visit about a year ago . Her husband comes on his own , i dont know if he tells her .
I had a. emotional affair ( fb contact with'first love' blah blah cliched story that thankfully ended but caused huge distress / depression that was a follow on from depression after my children were born and other life exp. my husband supportive and patient , he loves me very much .
So Aunty told my kids she suspected i was having an affair , Ive got furious shouted down the phone , she denied it , ive blocked her . Have i done the right thing ?
My husband and kids will be very sad that she is not in their life anymore.
I just think she should have spoken to me not my kids ? I feel an overwhelming desire to protect what is most dear to me, my kids and husband, but also feel guilty that they will not have her on their life now.
your views pls , Yes know I'm far from perfect .
But does anyone have the right to judge.?

OP posts:
puds11 · 27/12/2019 18:50

How old are the children? I find it odd she’d tell them under any circumstance.

Ellisandra · 27/12/2019 18:53

I’m a bit unsure of the timeline here, did this all happen a year ago?
I want to say she shouldn’t have said a word to your children... but as she denies it, are you sure you have your facts straight?

You weren’t feeling an overwhelming desire to protect those dear to you when you started the beginnings of an affair. If you expect them to forgive you, is there no place for you to forgive her?

For me, that would depend if she maliciously and snidely told a 7yo about directly about your behaviour - or got angry and let it slip in a veiled comment that happened to be within earshot of a 20yo.

LL83 · 27/12/2019 18:56

As above, how do you know she told children? Deliberately or accidentally and age of children all relevant.

If the children miss her I would try and make up as I wouldn't want my emotional affair to impact them.

Umberta · 27/12/2019 18:57

I feel very sorry for you OP. Affairs are extremely common and frankly, nobody's business except the three people involved. Lots of people like to take a higher moral ground and be judgemental to the point of vindictiveness, and to those people I usually say, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It's the hardest thing to do and to move on from and you're doing great if you've put it behind you and healed your relationship. Cut out this horrid relative, she doesn't care about you or your children by the sound of it

Ellisandra · 27/12/2019 18:59

I’ve just read it again and I still don’t understand the time line.
She stopped coming a year ago - but it sounds like you’ve only just shouted at her and blocked her...
If it all happened a year ago, why are you only know worried about your kids being sad?

Original poster
spudlike1 · 27/12/2019 19:15

the emotinal affair ended two years ago , i sought a psychotherapist to try and understand , i now know i was seeking emotional support etc ( ive had unpleasantthings in my past that i hadn't dealt with. She told my kids a year ago age 12 and 13. i was mortified the repercussions / consequences very clear to me , so i didn't challenge her .
she stopped coming round to visit but last week wanted to spend time with them so i felt uncomfortable and called her to ask her not to undermine me to my kids .

OP posts:
Original poster
spudlike1 · 27/12/2019 19:19

she was vindictive ( laughing when she said it ) I was silent it was all still very raw .
a year later im angry

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 27/12/2019 19:20

Why did she tell your kids?
I wouldn’t worry about the kids being sad - they’re only 12/13 and already haven’t seen her for a year.

Umberta · 27/12/2019 19:21

Very very awful of her to tell your kids. Aged 12 and 13, what could they have done about it? It would just have distressed them and not been for their good at all. A horrid, unhelpful vindictive thing to do. If she genuinely wanted to help the situation, she could have spoken to you about it, or maybe arguably your DH, but definitely not some children.

Strongmummy · 27/12/2019 19:21

She sounds vile and toxic. Keep her away from your children

Ellisandra · 27/12/2019 19:22

Crossed posts, you’ve said now that she was vindictive.

Then even if your kids would be sad (and after a year, I doubt they’re just bothered) it wouldn’t be the right thing to keep a vindictive person in your life. Don’t worry about it.

Why would your husband be sad? Is it his stepsister?

Original poster
spudlike1 · 27/12/2019 19:24

i know im guilty , i know i betrayed my kids and my husband

does she have the right to judge ?
I was hoping she would apologise when I rang her but instead she unpleasent and said she's only a freind to them and not me!
ok fine but does she have the right to judge .
poke around break up my family

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/12/2019 19:30

If your kids are now 13 and 14, it won't be long until they can choose to see her themselves (or not as the case may be), so I wouldn't worry about it.

sophiestew · 27/12/2019 19:34

Is SIL your DH sister?

Ellisandra · 27/12/2019 19:38

Well, I think that it would be nice if we didn’t all go around judging each other... but of course we do. If my stepbrother’s wife caused him the pain of an emotional affair, then yes - I’d judge her. Does that mean stoning her in the street or telling her kids? No. Does it mean a few choice words in anger at the time, and then not wanting much to do with her? Maybe, yes.

So although I’m not quite comfortable saying she has a “right” to judge, I don’t think you’re really in a position to be pissed off with her for not being impressed by your actions that you think yourself were wrong.

Has she any right to speak to your kids about it? No.

Talking to your husband (I’m assuming it’s his stepsister) then yeah. If she thinks he’s made the wrong decision, then to a certain extent talking to him about that is being a supportive, worried sibling - not “poking”.

What does your husband think?

Original poster
spudlike1 · 27/12/2019 19:45

she' s a friend of husband known him years became 'special ' aunty to kids ( not blood relative ) husband upset as he doesn't like upsets or fall outs of any kind

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 27/12/2019 19:50

Right, so the step aunty stuff is confusing, because it introduces a level of family dynamics that’s especially difficult.

Ultimately I’d expect my husband to cut off a vindictive person who was cruel to his children. But if it’s his stepsister, that’s harder to do - wider family issues, and a whole lot of history. I’d be more willing to work it out.

But she’s just a mate of his.

I still think it’s OK for her to judge you (as I said, no-one has the right to, but I know I judge people who have treated my friends badly. But she can keep that judgement to herself.

If your husband doesn’t like fall outs, he won’t want the fall out with you, if he wants to stay friends with someone who was cruel to his children - will he?

(My opinion is subject to not actually knowing what this friend of his actually said, it’s all still confusing)

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2019 19:51

I've just noticed you said in your OP...

My husband and kids will be very sad that she is not in their life anymore.

Is that your decision to make?

Ellisandra · 27/12/2019 19:52

Talking of judging though.. if she vindictively told pre-teens she thought you were having an affair, and laughed...
I’d be bloody judging your husband all the way, wanting to maintain any kind of friendship with her!

Cherrysoup · 27/12/2019 19:58

No way should she have told the dc. I can’t believe the amount of YABU votes?? Really, she’s unreasonable for not wanting the woman to be around her dc after her telling them about the emotional (note, not physical) affair?

Original poster
spudlike1 · 27/12/2019 20:04

husband thinks she's out of order, and shouldnt judge me . which i am hugely grateful for , weve had marital issues but we are closer than ever , married 18 years it hasnt been easy , but future is bright .
i just feel bad to have cut her off , not confident ive done the right thing .
your words have helped enormously
thankyou so much .
my kids can decide if they want contact with her . ive explained that I've fallen out with her and why , and that it is their chioce.
its just sad how the 'freindship ' has ended .
A lesson in the repercussions of emotional affair, for me lesson well and truly learnt

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 27/12/2019 20:04

@Cherrysoup I’m also surprised by so many YABUs, but think it might have been a combination of the OP being a bit unclear, the red herring of it looking like it was her husband’s stepsister, and the mention of the aunty denying she’d done it. So from the OP, it still sounded like it could have not been as bad as it turned out to be. (e.g. a snide comment made in anger at her stepbrother being cheated on, in the presence of the kids but not to them, that the “aunt” actually thought would go over their head.)

TheCanyon · 27/12/2019 20:11

So your dh's friend is pissed off at your shitty behaviour. I think that's fair enough, she cares about him, and you shat on him. You're the one still dredging up something that happened a year ago. Albeit she was very very wrong to tell your dc.

Umberta · 27/12/2019 20:23

I know I'm saying 2+2=5, but does she or has she ever fancied your DH? Because I sometimes wonder what earthly motive some women have of going around sh*tting on other women this badly. You were going through a tough time in your relationship, I know how dreadfully destroying an affair is to your MH. Until someone has been there, they dont know and they can judge from their ivory tower but it doesn't explain the vindictiveness. Cut her out. Hopefully your children are old enough to see she's not nice and not to like her either. Completely agree with PP who have questioned why your DH maintains this friendship with her

Umberta · 27/12/2019 20:24

I'm not surprised at the YABUs... it's the ivory towers

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