Presence or presents?

[Mansmansmum]

I genuinely don't know if IBU.

I have 2 ds in their early twenties, one a student, the other travelling abroad so neither have any spare cash. Both are kind and loving but express affection to me through man hugs and sense of humour rather than flowery words, I'm happy with that.

Neither got me a Christmas present this year. Or a mothers day card. Or a birthday present. Or any the year before. I get a text if I'm lucky.

And each year I say I don't want you to spend your money on me. It's the thought that counts. I want your presence not your presents.

And each year I feel a little bit hurt that they don't make a small effort to do something special for me.

I know I've brought it on myself by saying (and believing) that material things don't matter to me. It's the thought that counts. So should I now make the point to them that actually I do want to feel a bit treated and special on mothers day and christmases to come? And how do I say that without making them feel shit?

YABU - you are a needy toxic parent and should accept the situation you've created for yourself and be grateful they still spend time with you.

YANBU - you have raised ungrateful man-children who should no longer have any financial or emotional support from you until they make an effort.

Or somewhere in between?

[JeezyPeeps]

Don't say you don't want them to get you anything, then feel hurt when they do as you ask!

You aren't toxic or needy, but you need to stop telling them something if you don't mean it!

I don't expect my kids to get me anything, they know I don't expect it, and I'm totally fine with not getting anything - because when I say it, I mean it.

Don't say it if you don't.

[TheNameGames]

I’m not voting because I don’t think you’re at either scale of those options but if you DO want a present or a card you need to stop telling them that you don’t and because you have let this go on for so long you’re now going to have to actively turn around and tell them that yes you do want something in the run up to birthdays, Christmases, Mother’s Day etc

[RhodaDendron]

Start saying things like ‘listen, I’d love a really good book that you’ve read lately’ or ‘ooh a nice bunch of flowers wouldn’t go amiss’ or ‘I really love C or Y shop.’ Do a bit of the thinking for them, nudge them in the right direction. It’s ok to want a change!

[formerbabe]

A card isn't expensive and barely costs anything. They could do that...or go halves on a bunch of flowers. Yanbu, but men can be very literal and not read between the lines of what you've said.

[HenryTheHorseDancesTheWaltz]

I am also not voting as neither is true I don't think!

I'm quite direct, but try to do it in a lighthearted way, so I would probably say;

"DS, I know I always say I don't want anything for my bday / mothers day / Christmas and your presence means much more. That is still true, but if you so happened to want to get me something, I've seen this beautiful scarf / perfume/ whatever. Maybe you and other DS could club together if it's a bit pricey"?

If they don't take the enormous hint, then yes, sorry, you have raised man children. I'd keep 'hinting' till they get it.

[halcyondays]

They’re in their twenties. They shouldn’t need to be told to send a card and a small gift. They can afford this even if they are a student/travelling.

But why tell them you don’t want presents?

[TheNameGames]

@formerbabe
but men can be very literal and not read between the lines of what you've said.

“And each year I say I don't want you to spend your money on me. It's the thought that counts”

“I know I've brought it on myself by saying (and believing) that material things don't matter to me”

If someone said this to me and I thought they believed in it like the OP did I wouldn’t use my money to buy them presents or flowers or a card either.

[HenryTheHorseDancesTheWaltz]

They’re in their twenties. They shouldn’t need to be told to send a card and a small gift. They can afford this even if they are a student/travelling.

I think if another grown adult told me explicitly that they did not want me to buy them a present, I would feel really rude buying one anyway. So I don't think they are being terrible for doing what the op has asked.

[DragonUdders]

Do you get them cards and presents, op?

[OhioOhioOhio]

They could send you a message. Tell them to.

[HenryTheHorseDancesTheWaltz]

Also, if one of them is abroad, he isn't doing presence OR presents.

I know my DH used to go home when we were at uni instead of doing presents. The train ticket cost quite a lot and he is rubbish at anything arty, like making a present, so he just went home instead. I think my now mil preferred that.

[bridgetreilly]

Honestly, if you keep telling them you don't want them to get you anything and then get upset when they don't, you are the problem.

If you do want them to get you something, say so. Tell them actually you would really appreciate a card, a message and a token gift. Give them some ideas of the kinds of things you would like. Don't do it right now, do it next autumn. Make it clear you've changed your mind.

[Spitsandspots]

each year I say I don't want you to spend your money on me. It's the thought that counts. I want your presence not your presents

Well stop saying this!
Although, after saying it so often, you are going to have to make it clear that actually you are not feeling special or thought of so would like a card and (small) gift for future events.

[formerbabe]

A card isn't a present therefore if the op says no presents, that's not the same thing as saying no cards.

[Whatsername177]

I think you need to be more direct. After a couple of disappointing birthdays, I told dh that I wanted a fuss making of my birthday. He had the opportunity to do something to do with his hobby on my birthday last year and asked if I'd mind. I said yes, I minded because it's my birthday. Previous years when he hadn't bothered helping the dds arrange a mothers day gift, he has been treated to the same on fathers day. He got the message.

[Morporkia]

Tell them that you don’t want them to spent lots on a present, but something they’ve put some thought into...however I said that to my DS (25) and got smellies I’m allergic to and a book I’ve already read 😂

[Inhismemory]

I can't stand it when people say things like this

And each year I say I don't want you to spend your money on me. It's the thought that counts. I want your presence not your presents.

But actually mean the opposite.

Just say what you mean.

[formerbabe]

I think what the op means when she says that she doesn't want presents is that she doesn't want her dc spending more than they can afford.

What they hear is mum doesn't want anything.

Some people are able to read between the lines and think to themselves, we'll just get a token gift or a card or some flowers/chocs. Others take it literally.

[andyjusthangingaround]

And each year I say I don't want you to spend your money on me. It's the thought that counts. I want your presence not your presents

So, they are following your request and you are upset about it?
Maybe just tell them that you would like a text or a card?

[Mansmansmum]

To answer a few Qs.

Yes of course I always buy them cards and gifts. Travelling ds1 got a cash injection.

And it usually happens in the way it did this Christmas, ds2 arrives home a few days before Christmas and says something like, Oh God I haven't done anything about Christmas yet and I haven't got any money and I'll say Well don't worry about me. I'll be happy with a hug etc etc. But you really should get something for your grandparents.

Mothers Day and birthdays I have previously nudged dh to hint to them that I want to be thought about - hence I get my messages.

[Knittedfairies]

They're doing what you've asked of them; maybe they are not mind readers and don't know you don't mean it. Just tell them you'd like a card at least. The sky won't fall in.

[Mansmansmum]

And yes, I just don't want them to spend lots of money but I've never said I don't want a card. Or something thoughtful that's cheap or free like cooking a meal or writing a song (they're musicians).

[VestaTilley]

YANBU. Even with what you've said, your DS's should have the emotional depth to understand that it's not too much to expect to buy their DM a card and gift on birthdays and Christmases. I'd be very disappointed if my baby DS doesn't get me the occasional bouquet of flowers or a birthday card when he's grown up! I'd also be sad I'd brought up an inconsiderate child. Bet they'd notice if you didn't get them cards...maybe try that one year...

[HunterHearstHelmsley]

Maybe don't tell them you don't want anything

Both of my siblings are pretty skint. One spent about £10 on thoughtful perfect presents. The other didn't even send a card. It is hurtful. It's not about spending huge amounts of money. It's about the thought.

[HunterHearstHelmsley]

Also, my parents always say to not buy them anything. I couldn't. Even just a bunch of daffs on mothers day.