Presence or presents?

[Mansmansmum]

I genuinely don't know if IBU.

I have 2 ds in their early twenties, one a student, the other travelling abroad so neither have any spare cash. Both are kind and loving but express affection to me through man hugs and sense of humour rather than flowery words, I'm happy with that.

Neither got me a Christmas present this year. Or a mothers day card. Or a birthday present. Or any the year before. I get a text if I'm lucky.

And each year I say I don't want you to spend your money on me. It's the thought that counts. I want your presence not your presents.

And each year I feel a little bit hurt that they don't make a small effort to do something special for me.

I know I've brought it on myself by saying (and believing) that material things don't matter to me. It's the thought that counts. So should I now make the point to them that actually I do want to feel a bit treated and special on mothers day and christmases to come? And how do I say that without making them feel shit?

YABU - you are a needy toxic parent and should accept the situation you've created for yourself and be grateful they still spend time with you.

YANBU - you have raised ungrateful man-children who should no longer have any financial or emotional support from you until they make an effort.

Or somewhere in between?

Why not suggest a family Discord chat? Or Whatsapp. You can keep in touch a bit more regularly anyway.

But, I'd have a proper chat with both of them and say 'I've realised I really would like a card and small present on my birthday etc...'

I’m not voting because I don’t think you’re at either scale of those options but if you DO want a present or a card you need to stop telling them that you don’t and because you have let this go on for so long you’re now going to have to actively turn around and tell them that yes you do want something in the run up to birthdays, Christmases, Mother’s Day etc

^ Exactly what I was going to say.

I ask for things I'd like - even if it is just "If anyone is thinking of getting me chocolates for my birthday, I've gone off Cadburys since Mondelez took over, I prefer Lindt Truffles now"
or
"If anyone was going to get me earrings, I could do with some silver coloured ones - studs not drops"
etc etc

Or - "As you didn't make time to shop before Christmas, I'll make myself available for you to take me for a meal / to the pictures / or I'll be looking forward to the bargains you can get me in the sales"

They need to learn that actually you do want to be treated sometimes. Have a chat with them and tell them clearly that you have realised you do feel upset when no-one takes the time out to think of getting you something, and that, yes, it does mean something to you.

It's ridiculous to say you don't want a present if you actually do.

Maybe don't tell them you don't want anything.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

UPDATE: I'm browsing through old threads when I should be working and thought an update was due. Thanks to all who commented.

Thinking on it, what I actually want is a kind gesture or thought. Just a mum, it's Mothers Day, put your feet up and let me make you a cup of tea or a text which says a kind or funny sentence or two.

So, this Mothers Day I followed all your advice and was much more explicit. I said I don't want presents but I do want something to show you've remembered and care. I gave the cup of tea example as something they might do. I also said I'd love a card and a hug.

Come Mothers Day this year, I got the 'Happy Mothers Day' text from overseas ds1 (no additional words) and absolutely F. all from ds2 (now at home) except Mum, I couldn't get you a card because of Corona. This was the day before full lock down and ds had been twice to the shops to get himself snacks.

I cried. Ds2 gave me an embarrassed hug and Covid excuses. DS1 rang and had a chat prompted by dh. They all teased me (gently) for being ridiculous and sentimental and how they are all scientists and only work rationally.

They are never going to change, are they? The more I spell it out, the more of a duty it becomes to them and the less genuinely meant. Fuck it. I've bred a pair of empathy-less ingrates.

They sound very thoughtless.

They might well grow out of it. I was indescribably selfish in my early 20s, but now I'm good at sending cards and arranging presents or, at the very least, phoning people on special occasions. Wife, nephews, niece, parents, MiL, grandma all get stuff planned out in advance.

I find plenty of other ways to be an insufferable prick, don't get me wrong.

I find plenty of other ways to be an insufferable prick, don't get me wrong

Don't we all? @BadLad - I don't think you sound as bad as all that. Thanks.

My MIL told me that gifts she received from my DH only improved once I arrived on the scene. But tbh I don’t do anything except advise - although I did make him feel guilty when I found out what he’d originally been doing.

Your DH sounds like a shit for not backing you up when you were upset. Your travelling son could have cobbled together an email with a photo of you both attached.

I want you to go very VERY low effort with their birthdays (all of them, DH included) from now on.

My mum's birthday and Mother's Day are the most stressful times. My two brothers live abroad so my sister and I get the full brunt of it and it's so horrible and stressful. She needs flowers, she needs thoughtful cards and chocolates and a gift and (because her birthday is in Spring) they're right next to each other and we need to make each one a separate celebration.
You are not being unreasonable expecting a card or a thoughtful gift, but you are being unreasonable to expect one when you've a) explicitly said not to and b) set a precedent that you aren't expecting one.
I would just be completely honest and say to them that you know it sounds silly, and you know that you said not to get anything, but deep down you really wish they had. When my OH and I were saving for a house, I told him I'd rather the money go into the deposit (and I thought it was true until a few birthdays without a present had passed). I owned up and told him I regretted saying it and he's been amazing every birthday since.
Just be honest with them - they're adults, I'm sure they'll cope.

Perhaps you didn't RTFT including update @BumpBundle?

I agree they might grow out of it.

My DH is fairly thoughtless and does the bare minimum with me and his family. He's 53. However one year (I think he was about 27?) his dad phoned him and gave him a right telling off about not sending his mum a birthday card or even remembering her birthday. He's never forgotten her birthday or Mothers Day since. He sometimes needs reminding from me that it's Mother's Day but he will always post a card at least.

Is there anyone who could give them a bit if a talking to? (tongue in cheek a bit). Maybe now they've seen you be a bit upset it will slowly start to sink in.

@Mansmansmum You're absolutely spot on correct.

What about saying 'this year, why don't you both get together to get me (something that you'd like that's not too expensive) because I'd love to have one and it would remind me of you...'

then hope that they keep it up! My kids all chip in to get me one more expensive present rather than five separate small presents, and it's great!

Sadly, I think your request for 'something' and your example of a cup of tea, has fallen on deaf ears because they have special t so long believing you when you said you didn't want presents.
As for them teasing you, even if gently , that was nasty imo. I would have a discussion with your Dh and make it clear how hurt you were, especially by him joining in with the teasing. It sounds as though you have always been very supportive of them and accepted that they don't feel a need to acknowledge your part in their successes. Make it clear that you DO want that acknowledgement and that for you, occasions such as birthdays, Christmas and Mother's Day, are the ideal times for them to do that. It would be different if they gave you the odd bunch of flowers, took you out for lunch etc during the year, but it doesn't sound as though they do? Make a list, of things you would like - either acts like the cup of tea, or gifts(they don't need to be expensive, just something) you would like. Be clear that they can go 'offlist', but that you do expect something. After all, you don't ignore their occasions, do you?