To not understand the drives behind domestic violence

[Alanis126]

Firstly although I have never experienced it myself I have every sympathy with DV victims. I was watching "The Accident" the Channel 4 fictional programme about a disaster in Wales and it struck me how casually DV was interwoven into the story. I've known people who experienced this but I simply do.not understand what drives people (usually men on women) to do this. I can understand sex drives, drive to eat when you are hungry but I just don't get what happens in a man's brain to make him want to assault his partner, leaving aside.whether he even likes her or is in love with her.

Control

Endemic misogyny

Power and control.

Control. A bully streak In the perpetrator, growing up in a similar household. Jealousy and insecurity.

Control.

Anger issues that are too easy to take out on someone they perceive as weaker, as that particular programme was physical, not so much of the emotional abuse/ not letting her pick her own clothes etc

It's a control mindset. Take a look at the Freedom Programme website. It explains it in easy to understand concepts.

Inadequacy

Control, power, anger, transference of one’s own insecurities and inadequacies

It's control.
My mum's boyfriend tried to control her emotionally and when that didn't work he got violent and ended up killing her.
The only 'driver' there was control. He killed her because he lost control of her - she was going to leave him. His words were ' if I can't have you then nobody can'

As others have said, control. And it is very easy to see control as just being someone who is the stereotype of dominant and authoritarian. Often people cling onto trying to be in control for other reasons - when they feel the rest of their life is out of control for example. People often exert control (in different ways) when they are scared or unsettled. That's not an excuse for DV (nothing is or should be) nor is it about making anyone but the perpetrator responsible for their abuse (we all need to find healthy ways to deal with feeling scared and out of control) but it does mean that control doesn't always present in the ways people think it will.

Having someone you can rule and control is a very attractive idea to some people.

Control. Growing up thinking this is normal in relationships. In my ex I always thought that he was massively let down by his mum as a child and almost hated women as a result but also wanted to be loved in a way his mum wasn’t able to do so his relationships were toxic

Often they are sociopaths. They remain utterly convinced they are justified for hitting their spouse. They are the person who was wronged. I teach relationships and we dissect a letter from a teenage murderer to the mother of his victim (he killed his pregnant girlfriend). He says sorry multiple times but justifies it by blaming her. She never let them have space, she needed him and loved him because they were so perfect together, but she lied and he knew it was a lie so he strangled her. He wouldn't have if she hadn't lied. He thought she'd wake up and they'd get back together etc. It is terrifying.

Control, and seeing women as less worthy. Less worthy of happiness or satisfaction. As people who are lesser and are only a supporting player in the big drama that is the mighty Man living his important life.

@CosmoK I'm so sorry for your loss

Power and control. Crap parenting.

Thank you mamma

@CosmoK so sorry for your loss. Tragic.

Ive just read in The Telegraph today that boys who see DV and other behaviour detrimental to women go on to display it when older,
So we need to catch them when young and breed it out of them .
(Some hope)

Control, basic misogyny. Violence against women and children has been normalised for centuries. The idea that women and children were owned by the father. My father was violent and abusive and he has been abused in his own childhood. Substance abuse also affects people’s thinking and self control - he was an alcoholic.

@CosmoK I'm so, so sorry you lost your mum like that.

I grew up in an abusive household, it was mostly emotional abuse and control, putting us down and us being on eggshells.

I went on to subconsciously seek out creeps and abusers, who had something in their backgrounds like my father had, where they had seen their own mums and sisters being treated a certain way by their fathers, brothers, uncles.

I think some of these perpetrators have been pushed around themselves and it's them believing they're coming out on top. But they genuinely seem to think women are objects to be owned and controlled, they don't seem to like us much at all.

Yabu to only ask what drives men to do it.

Don't forget that there are female abusers too.

Sometimes it’s also culturally acceptable.

(Not ok clearly).

@Pinkflipflop85 of course women can be perpetrators too...but statistically we can't hide from the fact that 95% of ALL DV crimes are committed by men on women 🤷‍♀️ (in the UK anyway...I don't know about other countries but I suspect the figures are similar!)