To think that Health visitors are a certain annoying breed generally?

[Moomin8]

I've just had my 4th baby and the health visitor came the other day. I found her really annoying and rude. First of all she came walking into my living room in her dirty boots and got mud all over my newly cleaned carpet.

My youngest before dc4 is 10 years old and the HV said she was going to therefore talk to me as if I'd never actually had a baby she also wanted to look in my bedroom - I told her no.

Then I thought back to my older dc and their HVs and realised they are all pretty much the same whereas midwives, when they visit are really nice and helpful usually and don't speak to you as though you're an idiot. I'm a 39 year old university educated person and I find these people intrusive and annoying.

What is it with health visitors?

My HV was male. So shocked was I to see this man on the doorstep claiming to be a HV (it was the 90's) I demanded ID.
Not my finest hour and I still feel a bit guilty.
He was absolutely lovely. He wasn't intrusive or overbearing. He'd weigh DD, have a coffee and a chat with me and be supportive.

Reading these comments I'm gathering it's still a predominantly female profession then?

My health visitor is lovely.

@Stressedsuzy I do value HV’s - my post is in the thick of it near the end of this thread but my current HV has been my life line through losing my second son earlier this year to stillbirth, she often stays longer with me when visiting just to talk through my worries and helps me manage my ‘mum guilt’ which has been in hyperdrive since losing DC3. I was terrified that through the first stages of grief I’d failed my older DC - twins at 2yo - and that because all I could manage was the basics for them (cuddles, feeding, general play rather than focused etc.) and hadn’t been pushing them towards their next milestones that I was an unfit parent for them. My HV is the only person who I felt I could talk to unfiltered and she’s cried with me on a few occasions. She is a lovely woman who clearly values her role and whilst we’ve had a disagreement or two on certain parenting approaches, they’ve never been aggressive or judgmental, just a different approach .

I had one HV who just wasn’t very good at managing what I can imagine was a huge workload, which wouldn’t have bothered me had she not reported information to the SS and my twins hospital appointed Continual Care nurse that she never recorded in the red books or mentioned to me, it felt like she was trying to undermine my every move if that makes sense? But like in any job role, as a few other PP’s have said as well, you’ll find those who are good, those who are indifferent (I think these ones are perhaps those that come across in a condescending way more often than not) and those who seem like they aren’t as invested, perhaps overstretched and can come across as rude.

My experience with them has been mixed.

The HV I had with my first baby was very supportive. We struggled a great deal with breastfeeding (high palate so not much to do to fix it except wait it out with shredded nipples) and she visited often and did what she could to help support me. I remember one afternoon when I was really down, she came over, made us a cup of tea and just sat chatting with me while I fed DS. She was there for a good hour and the company was so lovely. Just chatting and reassuring me that it would be OK and we were doing well, etc. She left to work in another area when DS was 12 weeks (she was a HV in training) and I was genuinely sad to see he go. The other HV, despite having seen DS and I multiple times alongside the nice HV) showed zero recognition when we turned up at baby weighing clinic and I missed seeing a friendly face!

With my second everything has been easier so I didn't really need a HV in the same way. The lady who has visited is nice enough but I find it annoying that she's telling me stuff I already know. There's 2.5 years between my two children, so I'm aware of guidelines etc. I also get the blank look from her when I visit the clinic and she clearly doesn't recognise us, despite having been in our house multiple times. It doesn't bother me as much because I don't really need to do more than weigh the baby and leave, but if I was a worried new mum I wouldn't find their approach particularly comforting!

Both mine were brill, the HV I had with my 1st was able to see through 'I'm doing ok' routine whilst in clinic and spent 6 weeks just one day a week for an hour popping in to see me and making a drink if I needed it. I was borderline PND as was very isolated where I was living and she eventually gave me the push to venture out to groups.

My second one, with my youngest I didn't take to her straightaway but she was very forthright and straight to the point, which took me by surprise initially. However, when a Cafcass worker had made a judgement of me from 2 visits, my health visitor gave a positive thing about my parenting to any negative one the Cafcass gave. She rang me the day after and told me about what was said and that they had absolutely no concerns that they would be passing to local children services.

I saw her a few years later when I was changing my career and going to back to uni, she remembered me straight away and was really proud.

I'm actually taken aback about how long people have contact with HVs, and midwives for that matter, post birth.

I had one midwife visit and no contact with HV team when I had dc3, after dc1 being stillborn, a toddler, no family and long hx of mental health problems, including by this point undiagnosed ptsd.

Someone up thread said about contact until the child starts school. Really! I'm utterly stunned.

How many visits and for how long is usual?

@thehorseandhisboy in my area there is a primary visit between day 10-14 and a 6-8 wk contact by the HV. The 9-12 month and 24-27 month health and development checks are completed by community nursery nurses who work alongside the health visitors.

Other areas do an antenatal visit also, but we are too stretched to offer this anymore.

I had a visit from HV at 14 days, then I visited them at 8 weeks. I had a follow up weight check 6 weeks later as my baby is tiny just to check growth. HV supported my EBF and we have concluded her growth is fine, she’s just naturally small so no further appointments needed. I can go to them any time I need though.
I also have a weaning clinic group session in Jan but it’s optional.

I have found them to be friendly and supportive here.

I haven't seen mine since the 6 week check which was pretty much a year ago to the day. She was nice enough but kept sending us 40 minutes away to the hospital for what was clearly breastfeeding jaundice - each time DS was below treatment levels.

Our 10 month check was done by a random HV. I don't expect to see another until the next check at 2.5 or whenever.

Let's just say I'm glad I did NCT so I had someone else to talk to about looking after a baby. I'd never even held one!

When I had DD1 we were renting and waiting for our new mortgaged property to be built... she told us that she thought it was best we find a different property closer to my mum 'as we all need our mothers at times like this' and I think you'll be too far away.

Uhhhh no thank you!

We had a barmy one with DD2, literally would just agree with her so she would leave quicker.... kept telling me I would get PND and that I needed to go to her new baby group. Then she would try to mentally evaluate DH as he grew up without a father so 'may struggle with parenting'

Again no thank you!

Haven't seen her again since DD was about 3 months.

Wow. Neither of mine had any sort of developmental checks, though now people have mentioned them I do recall my ds's cousin who lives in another part of the country talking about 'yearly checks' for her dc.

My babies were born over 10 years ago, so obviously services stretched but not as much as now.

I had a 6 weeks post-natal check at the GPs which I had to book myself and never went to the baby clinic as too hectic for me to cope with.

Even when I had been hospitalised for severe PND/PTSD when dc3 was 8 months old, I had one HV weeks after whose main agenda was to weigh ds without clothes on (obviously child protection concerns which I agree with completely).

No suggestions of support for me, other than go to 'baby and toddler' groups which were a fucking nightmare as so crowded and toddler just stood next to me saying 'mama, mama, mama' until we left.

Mine was a lovely, kind, inspiring woman. Loved her visits as she was just brilliant!
Midwife was a force to be reckoned with. Absolutely terrifying woman!!

Oh, I had a lovely HV. I was ill with a gallbladder infection after having my son. It
Was a week before Christmas and I had nothing in. Had a wee greet to her and she gave me a hug saying a lot of new mums were in the exact same boat that day. Later during Mat leave I became friends with two other local mums. Who had both been crying and had hugs from the exact same HV.

Apparently there had been a scandal about her previously (not related to her professional work).

Mine have only continued under their HV for developmental checks due to being born extremely prematurely and low weight and DD spent most of the first year of her life on oxygen/CPAP. As they’re still under their hospital Paediatrician the HV continues to come to see me, even if it’s just to offer support rather than ‘check’ anything. I could have turned down her visits after they reached 2yo in October but I keep the appointments as she really is lovely and I’m a SAHM (not by happy choice rather due to financial restrictions) so she pencils me in where she can and she has twins (adults now) so she gets that there are a myriad of challenges especially when identifying delays due to being premature, delays from low birth weight, delays that occur in twins in general (such as one being less vocal because the other does all the ‘talking’) and potential signifiers of ASD/SEN.

DS is flagging as needing assessment for ASD when possible but she helps me navigate the different possibilities and has helped me fight for early referral to a SALT. But I believe she would normally only visit until the child turns 1yo after that the visits in my area are more by request if that makes sense?

@thehorseandhisboy - it varies a little by area and by what they think you need. Sometimes people might fall through the cracks if they move house. In my area the HV came before the birth and at 6 weeks, she explained about weekly weighing clinics so as went to some of those. She phoned up to check on me once too, maybe at 8 or 10 weeks. Then there's a letter at 10 months for a 1-yr check-up and other for 2yr 3 month check-up. I don't know after that. Ours said we can always call to make an appointment, but she'd only visit otherwise if there were particular concerns.

My HV told me my baby had jaundice (clearly didn't), got sent to A&E and had to deal a very pissed off doctor who said that it was clear the baby had no sign whatsoever of jaundice and that this time wasting happened all the time.

Exactly the same thing happened to me. I knew my baby didn't have jaundice but I didn't want to be that mum who ignored her advice so I trekked down to a and e to sit there for hours for precisely nothing to be done. Just what you want to so with a newborn FFS.

I had a wonderful HV. Still friends 5 years later. Sorry to those of you who had a bad experience.

I can see why they exist but I do think an awful lot of money is wasted on these visits. I personally think that health visitors should only come if the midwife flags something up, eg with the baby's or mother's health or with the home environment.

The midwife would have had no reason to 'flag' anything with me- no issues with my baby's health, no issues with the home environment and my mental health was fine until it deteriorated very suddenly when DS was three weeks old, so well after I'd been discharged by the midwife. In your proposed system I would have been left to my own devices and would almost certainly have done myself serious harm.

My one with dc2 was anything but helpful. And wholeheartedly disapproved of dc1 being in an independent school despite being made aware of exactly why we had gone down this route.

She was well known as having 2 obsessions. Ages and stages questionnaires (google them!) and local baby groups. As a parent of a developmentally delayed baby both of the above are a special form of hell. But dc2 wasnt developmentally delayed or had any form of SN apparently. It was just me being neurotic and she sent several referrals off to social services because of it.

1. At that point my career was working with young babies and children. Especially those who had additional needs. I knew damned well that there was something going on with dc2.

1. There was something going on with dc2. Dc2 is now formally diagnosed as having a significant developmental delay besides lots of other things. They also have a full time 1-1 in current mainstream school and has a place in special school from September 2020. Remember this is the child that is developing normally.

If it wasnt for the fact that I now live 700 miles away from where I did when dc2 was a baby I would love to point out a few things she missed that was glaringly obvious when dc2 was a baby. Perhaps they would have got the help they needed sooner than they did.

There wont be a dc3, but even if there was health visitors would definitely not be a part of my life.

As with all professions there will be good and bad professionals. And ones relating to childcare will differ even further as there are so many varied opinions on how to care for children. In my experience my health visitor was lovely and a great person to reassure me that I was in fact doing okay and being a good mum (first baby)

I appreciate that some can be patronising, intrusive and rude but is that not down to human characters and opinions as you would get in any job? In an ideal world, all of them would be great and lovely but unfortunately that's not humans.

Mine have all been ok.

The one I had after DC3 was lovely on her first visit at around 6 weeks but heard absolutely nothing from her since then and he is now 14 months.

Had four DC's spanning almost a decade
Several health visitors
Only one of them was ever a shred of help and support
Given that I had crippling PND after dc1 and he had major surgery at 10'months they were worse than useless
I tried everything to decline all in out on dc4 but she was a nightmare of a health visitor who seemed incapable of taking no for an answer
Wish id put in writing that i did not want any further input

@yevans I get your point but for me it's not the rude / patronising thing that bugs me - it's that some of them give out incorrect information / bad advice. That's what worries me.

You should have asked her to remove her shoes, it isn’t an automatic thing for many people. I ask if I should remove my shoes because some people don’t mind. We have wooden floors so don’t really care.

I can understand her treating you as a FTM when it’s a decade since you had a child. The advice changed in certain areas in the six years between me having DC3 and 4, it’s constantly changing.

I'm afraid my experiences were also bad. My first one was rude, kept making appointments then not showing up and turning up at different times than arranged. Times that were inconvenient to me and then got huffy when I said it wasnt a good time.
Then she looked at my stitches and kept going on about how pale my skin was. Like, really going on about it as if she couldn't believe it. I was terribly anaemic at the time and i thought just STFU, I dont need to be reminded about how pale I am thanks, its my skin, I know what it looks like. She then told me my house seemed "calm" and she could always tell a "bad house" from the first few seconds after entering. I thought that was highly unprofessional.

My second one robotically went through a safety checklist, never bothered to ask how I was feeling or anything.

If so many people have had bad experiences then maybe the NHS should listen and do something about it. I did not realise HV were optional- I thought you had to see them. If I ever have another baby I will absolutely be opting out.