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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think thank you letters are an outdated custom?

29 replies

Helloitsmeiwaswondering · 27/12/2019 11:47

My family have never expected thank you letters, if I open it in front of them I say thank you then, if not, a text or a phone call. I think some people in my family would actually be offended if I felt I had to write them a note.

DH's family definitely expect letters. Tbf it's not just me that has to write them, he does and the kids do too.

The people we are writing to all have internet access, we talk to them regularly by phone, but for some reason, we have to write thank you notes. DH says it's just custom and they'd be offended if we didn't.

AIBU to think that in this day and age, it doesn't matter how you say thank you, as long as you do?

OP posts:

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/12/2019 11:48

I hate thank you letters- it’s just for nostalgias sake people like them- a decent thank you is enough!

trilbydoll · 27/12/2019 11:49

I use thank you letters to send a photo of the kids, ideally with the present but sometimes that's a bit ambitious. I agree it doesn't matter how you do it as long as you say thank you!

aLilNonnyMouse · 27/12/2019 11:49

I didn't know it was a thing until I read it on mumsnet. I don't think anyone in my family has ever sent one or expected one. We swap gifts in person and say thank you then.

Seems like a great waste of paper to me.

Butterflyflower1234 · 27/12/2019 11:51

I would announce that you're trying to do your bit for the environment and want to save trees therefore thank you's will come via electronic form.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 27/12/2019 11:54

I agree OP in my life it's usually a thing with overly entitled people who expect some sort of "singing for your supper" response form giving a gift (dsis mainly). Snarky comments about thank you letters from my DC result in a request not to buy them a present in future.

DC are always made to say thank you in person or text or video of course but thank you letters are outdated.

FlamingoAndJohn · 27/12/2019 11:55

So long as there is some form of thank you. Email, text, in person, Facebook message.

I remember my mum forcing me to write thank you letters and hating it. She still checks up on me to make sure I’ve sent them. I’m 45.

BrokenWing · 27/12/2019 11:58

Phone them up, say thank you and get kids to say thank you (when old enough). If dh wants to sent them a note to his family he can.

If they take offence at a personal thankyou is up to them if they want to be petty and don't send future gifts,

Suze1621 · 27/12/2019 12:00

Actually I think it depends on the giver. So thankyou letters definitely to grand parents, great grandma and two great aunties. It really doesn't take that much effort from children to do them and they are well received.

MopsRUs · 27/12/2019 12:00

I think sending a thoughtful note of thanks is still a worthwhile tradition, whether it's by post (the nicest), email or even text. However it should actually mention the present and what you like about it (if possible!) and say something relevant to the other person (hope they enjoyed their Christmas etc.) Of course, any thanks is good, but a text saying 'Thanks for the gift' makes me wonder if the person liked it or even remembers what it was

redcarbluecar · 27/12/2019 12:02

YANBU. I sometimes get thank you letters or cards from friends’ kids and they are sweet. However I’d be just as happy with a WhatsApp with a pic of the kid holding the present or something like that. With an adult a text will do. I do dislike receiving no acknowledgement at all though.

DelurkingAJ · 27/12/2019 12:02

I think it is just manners to say thank you. We either ring people or DSs write three lines and I post it. They’re 7 and 3 (DS2 currently just signs) and they see it as completely normal. I accept it’s old fashioned but it’s hardly a big deal (they write about four each at birthday and Xmas and then as many as we invite to their birthday parties).

I’m genuinely horrified if we give a present and get no acknowledgement. I’d never seen that before DS1 started school. Not to even send a text to say thank you stinks.

freddiethegreat · 27/12/2019 12:02

Depends. An elderly great uncle unexpectedly sent my son £50 this year. They’ve never even met. Seems to me a letter or card - to someone who values that and doesn’t value or can’t use other methods - my elderly grandmother is another example - is just courtesy. Why impose my social norms on someone who has been kind?

BertieBotts · 27/12/2019 12:04

I think they are outdated but I've got DS1 to write some this year more as a writing /non screen related exercise than anything else.

Roussette · 27/12/2019 12:05

And what about if the recipient doesn't open the gift in front of you, is it 'outdated' to send a thank you (by whatever means)?

There are many gifts not swapped or given in person and I would be very pissed off not to get some sort of acknowledgement. (God daughter I'm looking at you....)

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 27/12/2019 12:05

We send thank you notes to a few older relatives, I know they like it and it's not much effort, anyone else will get a phone call and/or a picture of DS wearing/playing with the gift. If they are there in person a heart felt thank you and a hug is enough I think. The only exception would be wedding gifts, we sent than you cards for those.

funmummy48 · 27/12/2019 12:06

I think"thank yous" are essentials and it's the height of bad .manners not to send them. That being said, there's no need for them to be in letter from nowadays unless they're to a very elderly relative. Email, text, FB messages or WhatsApp messages are personal and find in my opinion. What matters is some sort of acknowledgement of the gift. My adult children are all good at remembering to say "thank you" by message. I've had Instagram messages from 2 of my nieces which was nice. My brother's children have only ever sent one thank you but as they are still of primary school age, I think that says more about my brother and his wife than their children.

Notthebloodygym · 27/12/2019 12:08

Letters, maybe, but a phone call is needed at least, unless you see the person regularly. No thank you at all when you send gifts into the ether is just plain rude.

Skinnychip · 27/12/2019 12:09

The only person I make my kids write a thank you letter to is a v elderly relative, who lives alone, has barely any family and has no internet. DC are shy and dont like to phone and the relative is quite deaf and pretty boring to talk to so I ask them to write a note so its something that will be interesting and different for them to read.

Skinnychip · 27/12/2019 12:10

To add if the relative has not received a letter in a certain amount of time they call me to check DC have got the present knowing full well they did because it was sent eith another relative they have seen

BlaueLagune · 27/12/2019 12:11

I think if you send a present you would like to know it has arrived safely, but that could be done via a phone call or text, rather than a letter.

I do think people should say thank you, by whatever means.

But there is definitely no need to send a long letter. I was never allowed just to write Dear x thank you very much for the present/money you sent me, love Lagune, but had to send a long epistle explaining what other presents I'd had, what I'd done for Christmas/birthday etc. It made you not want to get presents/cards with money because you knew you had the chore of letter writing afterwards (and I liked writing letters!)

Thank goodness for instant messaging etc.

And if you give a present in person of course you say thank you then. I suppose if you don't open it there and then you might send a thank you later - but again, no need for a letter.

BlaueLagune · 27/12/2019 12:12

I don't like receiving thank you letters either. I'd much rather receive a text of FB/Whatsapp message.

BlaueLagune · 27/12/2019 12:13

or not of

andyjusthangingaround · 27/12/2019 12:14

Depends on your audience
I always send Thank you letters to my friends because this is basic manners amongst us. While I appreciate this is not the norm for everyone. Never met with anyone who felt offended though
Just manners....

gothefcktosleep · 27/12/2019 12:15

We do them for non family who have bought for the baby. I think it’s nice and thoughtful. Not something I grew up with but it’s nice to receive. I used to send my friends daughter presents and would have to chase to see if she received it or liked it - used to wind me right up. Completely agree it doesn’t have to be traditional thank you card and can be email or text whatever.

ShristmasChopper · 27/12/2019 12:15

For the older generation it is just seen as good ettiquette and goes down well. I don't think it does kids any harm on these cases to write a proper letter. It at least teaches your kids the art of letter writing. Believe me I had to show a 19yo at work the other day how to lay out and sign off a letter correctly. It's a basic life skill and yes although letter writing us during out it us still a skill that is required.

Aside the older generataion that some (not all) stick by tradition an email or text to say thanks is fine for younger and more with it gift givers.

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