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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Reasonable or just a spoil sport?

36 replies

TheEighthHorcrux · 27/12/2019 05:41

Looking for a bit of perspective, as I'm not sure if I'm just a horrible mean old wife or whether he is really the shitty one.

DH works nights. Has worked all over Christmas. We have 1 DC.

Christmas Day he went to bed at around 10am (after watching DC open presents) and then woke again at around 5pm, not staying for any dinner and leaving 2.5 hours early for work.

Boxing Day, he gets in at just after 7am. Wakes at 11:30. Goes off to watch the football at midday (kick off at 3), returns home at 6:30 and then goes to work at 7pm.

I feel very hurt that he couldn't get up and spend more time with us on Christmas Day, yet found the will to get up so early to watch the football yesterday. AIBU?

He's also insisted we shouldn't go to a family do on Saturday night because he will be coming off a week of nights and it will be no fun for him. He doesn't seem to understand that Christmas alone with only 4 year old DC for company isn't exactly a barrel of laughs for me.

I have said I will go alone but he says he doesn't want to be by himself as he hasn't seen us all week Hmm

OP posts:
SteeperThanHell · 27/12/2019 06:20

Why did he leave 2 and a half hours early on Christmas Day?

To be fair if he’s going to be no fun after a week of nights I would be going to the party alone.

BarbaraofSeville · 27/12/2019 06:24

He can't complain about you going to a family do when he's gone to work and the football hours before he needed to.

If his last work night is Friday, why can''t he sleep on Saturday and then go to the party. If he's used to being up in the evenings/overnight, he should be fine on Saturday evening if he gets some sleep on Saturday in the daytime. He could then try and sleep Saturday night and you all do something as a family on Sunday afternoon?

Marmitepasta · 27/12/2019 06:24

Yanbu

TopOftheNaughtyList · 27/12/2019 06:30

So it was ok for you to be left alone while he went to the football, but not ok when you want to go somewhere? I’d definitely be going to the party if that was his attitude.

AlwaysCheddar · 27/12/2019 07:46

He’s selfish, isnt he! Go to the party!

ivykaty44 · 27/12/2019 07:50

are you going to allow him to control whether you go to a family party you want to go to?

Oh and he could of made family time his priority on Xmas day and Boxing Day but he choose not to - his choice

But it’s your choice what you do Saturday night, not his

rainbowstardrops · 27/12/2019 08:21

He went to the football so you go to the party. Fairs fair and all that

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 27/12/2019 09:14

My husband works nights too OP and it is gruelling. It iwrecks the body clock and I cant tell you the effect it has on family life. He never sees the light of day for months in winter and he looks pale and awful.His eating pattern is messed up and as a result we have to make family plans and get on with it mostly without him. Mine works 12 hr shifts for 4 days then 2 days off then 12 hr days for 4 shifts ...finishing his last set of nights means getting up early then trying to re adjust himself into a day working mode within 24 hrs...its awful. I feel you and your dh but we do what needs to be done.I am often found cleaning at 10pm when my kids are in bed so as not to disturb dh ...not a great time to start but it is what it is...we make our plans and its often me and the kids without him...its really hard on everyone.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 27/12/2019 09:18

It sounds tough. He could have skipped footie if he was that concerned about seeing you. Who goes to work 2.5 hours early anyways especially in Christmas Day?

overnightangel · 27/12/2019 09:21

You don’t sound very empathetic. Do you work?

Snausage · 27/12/2019 09:21

So, you're expected to not do nice things but he's allowed to? I'd have none of that and would be going to the party! If he wanted to spend more time with his family, he had ample opportunity but, instead, chose to go early to work and spend the day watching football. He sounds ridiculous.

Original poster
TheEighthHorcrux · 27/12/2019 09:28

I don't understand why he left so early on Christmas Day. He woke up, took DC out on their new bike and left. It was very strange.

It's the double standards I can't stand. He can do as he pleases and I'm meant to stay quietly in the house and wait for him to be ready to do things as a family.

@Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe

I am aware of the sacrifice of nights. He works 80+ hours over 7 days, it's horrid all around. I spend stretches of time on my own and then even longer waiting for him to readjust, only for it to be time for him to go back to work.

But I'm not sure why that gives him the right to prioritise his wants/needs over family life. I make lots of sacrifices (not being able to do weekly hobbies, shouldering the majority of the childcare, etc) but he went and bought a season ticket without discussion and there is no compromise when it comes to that.

I could understand if he was getting the most sleep humanly possible every single day. But he doesn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheEighthHorcrux · 27/12/2019 09:29

Yes @overnightangel, I work full time.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheEighthHorcrux · 27/12/2019 09:38

I want to be clear that I am perfectly happy to go to the party on my own, with DC. In fact, I'd prefer that if it means he gets a great rest on Saturday and is refreshed as much as possible and able to spend a few days just the two of us.

But he thinks it's astonishing that I would go without him. And that I should stay in, alone again, while he sleeps. It makes no sense to me, especially when he is capable of getting up at 11, going to the football all day, and then doing a 12 hour shift.

OP posts:
fedup21 · 27/12/2019 09:44

But he thinks it's astonishing that I would go without him. And that I should stay in, alone again, while he sleep

I don't understand why he left so early on Christmas Day

He is being very selfish but there seems to be a lack of communication going on.

Have you told him you are pissed off he went to football but completely missed Christmas with his family? Have you asked him why he went to work 2.5 hours early?

You need to talk and find out what’s going on.

Chickychoccyegg · 27/12/2019 09:44

go to the party with dc, it makes no sense you sitting at home alone while he sleeps, he's being selfish, he puts his needs first, you need to start doing the same.

Cherrysoup · 27/12/2019 09:45

Definitely go without him. I’ve learnt to just get on and do my thing when my dh is on nights. Don’t allow him to control you when he’s asleep!

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 27/12/2019 09:47

Op with out being rude and I really don;t mean to be the problem is easily sorted out.You need to do as I did by making life for yourself too.I too work and though not full time the majority of domestic stuff falls on me and the kids stuff too.I have hobbies and with the help of family members and after school clubs and the odd babysitter thrown in too then you can do it. We do have family time together on days off and on day weeks when he is here to put the kids to bed which he loves doing and he takes over loads then but it is constant juggling mainly by me. I see no reason why you can;t do the same thing. You should go to the party and have fun theres no reason not to go and for this he is being selfish. I understand you feel resentful I did too in the beginning but I couldnt be chained to the house it would have driven us all mad.Its weird cos its like being single in a relationship sometimes.Go to the party tell him you will catch up with him when you get back and he can have some peace to watch match of the day on his own...You need your own friends and your own routine when you have a partner on nights..you need to live too not just be waiting around...tell him he is being unreasonable and you are going..don;t ask just tell him!

Shockers · 27/12/2019 09:48

Who goes to work 2.5 hours before they need to? That’s really odd- especially on Christmas Day; do you think he was avoiding getting settled, as it would’ve been harder to leave?

Original poster
TheEighthHorcrux · 27/12/2019 09:49

@fedup21

I spoke to him this morning and he said he didn't want to get in the way, so he went to work and got himself a dinner from the canteen. I've told him I don't understand why he wouldn't make the most of every minute with us and playing with DC. He had no answer.

He knows I'm not happy about the football. But then again I never am, and he seems perfectly happy to continue to prioritise it over family life. The Boxing Day plans are the least surprising part of this whole thing.

I do my best to talk to him and tell him how I feel, but often it's over text message as we are never together without DC around and I don't want her to see us argue all the time. But I do agree, we need to talk more.

OP posts:
NomNomNomNom · 27/12/2019 09:50

YANBU he shouldn't have gone off to the bloody football when he's barely had any Christmas time with his family.

@Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe

I hardly think the issue is OP getting her own life. It was Christmas day and Boxing day. These aren't the days to be seeing friends and indulging in hobbies when you have young kids. They're days to invest in your family. I agree she should go to the party with or without DH but on Christmas day and Boxing day her DH should have put his family first.

sarahjconnor · 27/12/2019 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TheEighthHorcrux · 27/12/2019 09:53

@Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe

I get that for every other week of the year. But Christmas Day? Boxing Day? I'm not sure I can just accept this is the way of things when he has shown us so little consideration.

OP posts:
Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 27/12/2019 09:54

Tell you what you do need too OP ..a date night a couple of times a month to have an adult catch up and a bit of child free time. Something for you both to plan for and look forward too..it helps keep me sane and its quite nice to have my dh all to myself for a bit...I quite like him when I get to see him!!!!

Original poster
TheEighthHorcrux · 27/12/2019 09:55

@sarahjconnor
Yes, I am sure he was at work because he sent me a picture of the dinner he bought at the canteen, which he enjoyed in peace as I wrangled the overexcited and overtired 4 year old.

OP posts:
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