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Would you go to a wedding where known DV had happened

30 replies

knorrig · 26/12/2019 22:17

OH brother marrying awful GF early Jan.

Groom to be currently has a black eye and he’s confirmed she did it.

Back story, she’s super controlling, he’s tried to finish but she won’t let go, got pregnant when she was apparently on the pill etc generally awful manipulative person who’s caused family upset. He’s v passive!

I didn’t like her before but now have a massive issue with attending the wedding of somebody beat their other half, too much hypocrisy and fakery for me!

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

misspiggy19 · 26/12/2019 22:19

He needs help to leave this abusive relationship


CoffeeCoinnesseur · 26/12/2019 22:20

I would do everything I could to ensure that the victim was not isolated and separated from their family and their support network, as quite often that's exactly what a controlling abusive partner wants - total isolation and control - and if that meant gritting my teeth and attending their wedding then so be it.


Smurfy23 · 26/12/2019 22:21

I'd go but only to be supportive to him so he knows (and she knows) hes not isolated.

In meantime I'd be trying to help him leave


Boom45 · 26/12/2019 22:22

This is hard, one of my best friends is in a relationship with a man who is very controlling and I know he's hit her at least once. She's giving him yet another chance and I am finding it so hard to see him without telling him what I think (and therefore giving him a great reason to stop her seeing me). You can't force him to break it off, all you can do is support him and not let her isolate hi from his family and support network. I'd hate to go to that wedding but I'd grit my teeth and be there because if you don't that might mean that you can't be their when he really needs you.


Pardonwhat · 26/12/2019 22:22

If you don’t go he’ll be isolated. He needs support.
I’d go for his sake.


knorrig · 26/12/2019 22:25

Obviously I don’t think it should really even happen but she’s controlling it all.

I worry about BIL but also about their child, I hope she can control her anger around him.

OP posts:

Afrigginggoat · 26/12/2019 22:28

If you think there's abuse in the home and there's a child there you should call social services. And no I wouldn't go.


BB8sAntenna · 26/12/2019 22:31

My DB was in an abusive relationship for years, his wedding to that awful troll was the weirdest experience, shot gun wedding as she was pregnant and years of control until he finally left. Years later he is building a relationship with his children.
I couldn’t have not gone, I needed to for him and I think you should too. It’s horrible and so very hard but she will try and isolate him as much as possible from his family.


WorraLiberty · 26/12/2019 22:32

I would support him but I wouldn't go to the wedding and I'd tell him why too.


TARSCOUT · 26/12/2019 22:34

You should go. Tell him straight out you are only going so that you cant be alienated from their lives and when the time comes you are there for him and the child.


knorrig · 26/12/2019 22:34

I want to. And I want the school where she’s a teacher to know too.

I think I’ll have to do whatever my OH wants to do but I just feel so morally against it.

OP posts:

JockTamsonsBairns · 26/12/2019 22:37

I had this exact same situation 14 years ago, a very close lifelong friend was marrying his horribly abusive gf. I knew of the abuse, and had seen it play out, so I declined to attend their wedding. It cost me the friendship, which was inevitable I think, but I regret making that decision now. I heard through the grapevine a few years ago that they'd divorced, and I really wish I hadn't foregone the friendship out of principle, and that I could be there to support him. I miss him, and I miss all the years we lost. I can never get that back now, so do think carefully.


Sharkyfan · 26/12/2019 22:38

I would go, to support the DV victim


Sharkyfan · 26/12/2019 22:40

And yes absolutely if she has a child I think you have a duty to report your concerns


WorraLiberty · 26/12/2019 22:42

Is turning up, fake smiling and pretending to be happy for him, knowing he's being abused, actually supporting him though?

It may send the message that you all think DV is ok?


LurkingFather · 26/12/2019 22:43

If a child is involved, you really should contact SW. They are meant to take this seriously. Wrt attending, there is of course at least in church weddings the point where the minister asks if there are any objections......


dontcallmeduck · 26/12/2019 22:44

If you inform CSC and they accept the referral her school will find out as it should be referred to LADO.


knorrig · 26/12/2019 22:44

Yes Worral, this is how I see it. I feel like it’s all pretence when I currently despise her for what she’s doing to him...and potentially their child.

OP posts:

dontcallmeduck · 26/12/2019 22:44

But yes I would go to maintain the relationship with him so he isn’t isolated as above


knorrig · 26/12/2019 22:45

What is CSC and LADO?

OP posts:

beautifulstranger101 · 26/12/2019 22:45

I would go because otherwise he'll get more and more isolated. But I would have a serious talk with him and make it known I was only there for him and that I would support him in the future whenever needed.


homeishere · 26/12/2019 22:46

Go, and at the bit when they ask for any objections from the congregation speak up.

Stand proudly, and say that you object to him marrying such an abusive and controlling woman.


NearlyOutedMyself · 26/12/2019 22:50

Abusers try to alienate victims from their family or friends. It will be difficult but go to show solidarity with your BIL.


Originalusernameunavailable · 26/12/2019 22:52

I posted something very similar this summer about my now BiL and SIL.

We didn’t go to the wedding out of principal of the fact he openly told us she had caused injuries and we have witnessed this ourselves.

We’ve not had anything to do with them since apart from an occasional text when absolutely necessary ie in laws plans etc.


MrsDilligaf · 26/12/2019 22:53

Tough one this....

Part of me thinks that you shouldn't go, the other part thinks you should.

DV is incredibly difficult to get out of, because of the manipulation and lies, so it's crucial that you are highly visible to your BIL, and that you remain so.

BUT...I think I would find it impossible to go to a wedding where one of the couple was violent towards the other. It would feel like a sham and utterly fake to be congratulating the "happy couple ".

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