Do people still bother with flowers and wreaths on graves?

[Thefaceofboe]

Just that really.

Just visited my grandma and grandads joint grave who have been gone 9 years and 12 years. They were a huge part of Christmas and are hugely missed by all the family. They had 9 children and 22 grand children.

Just been to put some flowers and a wreath on their grave (slightly late but I’m 300 miles away but always visit when I’m at my mum and dads) and there wasn’t a thing on there, expect the dying flowers I put there last time I visited. They were the only ones that I could see in that area with not one thing on their graves and it made me really sad . This is a regular thing and in the 9 years my grandma has been gone I’ve only ever seen flowers from someone other than me and my mum, twice. AIBU to expect people to bother?

Meant to say that both the Catholic graveyard in the Southern Ireland and the Protestant Graveyard in the Northern Ireland were absolutely covered in wreaths and flowers

@CaptainDaddyDog yeah that’s a lovely idea (we did the same with our dog last year! He has a Christmas tree growing in the spot he’s buried)

I would love to put flowers on my mums grave more often but I just can't bring myself to go as it's too painful. She dies ten years ago. I want to do it even just to show my dad that she isn't forgotten ( he frequently goes there ) but it's hard.

AIBU to expect people to bother?

Yes.

Sorry to hear that @Babyroobs

I don't visit graves, I tend to plant something for close people who have died and then I remember them there whenever I want to as it is just outside my door. My husband can't get to his dad's grave often as we live across the other side of the country and imagine this is true for other people too.

My nan when she was alive seldom went to my grandfather's grave as the cemetery is huge, she had mobility issues and you can't drive within the grounds. She commented that now for quite a few graves there isn't anyone left to put anything on the graves as either they were childless or the children themselves have passed on.

I think it’s a bit strange to feel sad that others don’t. My husband takes flowers to his wife’s grave every fortnight when he goes to chat to her. Ten years now. One of his adult sons goes on high days and holidays without flowers. The other has been once ever, I think. They all love and miss her just as much.

I sometimes go and visit my neighbour’s grave (she is buried nearby, had no family, and her dear friends live a bit further away). She was very tidy so I always make sure it looks neat. I don’t put flowers there though. I think it’s a shame when the money could be better used elsewhere, for a cause dear to her heart like children’s welfare (I don’t believe she can look down on it from above or anything like that). Her grave might look like she’s been forgotten but it’s far from the truth, I think of her regularly.

My own grandparents’ graves on the other side of the world might look forgotten but I can assure you that I think of them almost every day, with so much love and so many happy memories

YABU. People are much more dispersed nowadays. Can you honestly say that you would be driving 300miles each Christmas to put a wreath on your GPs grave if you weren't visiting your Mum and Dad at the same time?

Or are you saying that your relatives should be doing more. You're visiting on the same day each year - how do you know that other relatives aren't visiting in the spring or summer?

Yes I do.
The cemetery my dd is buried in has lots of wreaths for Christmas placed at the graves.
We went on Christmas day, my mum and dad are also buried there. Grandparents too.
I visit the Cemetery every week and most of the graves always have fresh flowers.

Why do people come on here just to be sarcastic, cocky and to pick holes in OPS post. There is no malicious intentions to her post and she’s certainly not slagging her family off. My god

My mother doesn't want flowers on my dad's grave so we dont put any.

We go to the cemetery occasionally to keep our stillborn son's grave tidy but we don't think of him as being there so don't go as often as we did in the first few years.

how do you know that other relatives aren't visiting in the spring or summer?

My mum goes regularly and each time there are just dead flowers she’s previously put on.

I regularly put flowers at the grave of my dear friend's son who died a few days after he was born. I do it because I know it makes her happy that people still visit him 4 years on. The graveyard is always full of flowers and trinkets all year round. I'm in Ireland though so maybe we're more into it here.

I would have to drive 8 hours round trip to put flowers on my DM grave. So no I don't do that.

I did the 8 hours for many years every weekend when she was alive when it mattered. I think that was far more important than putting some flowers on her grave now she is dead.

I do it because I know it makes her happy that people still visit him 4 years on.

@carbo that’s so lovely

What does "AIBU to expect people to bother" actually mean, other than judging how others grieve or remember?

I occasionally pop in and see my dad when I am passing (crematorium is en-route to mums house) but rarely take flowers, when passing without stopping I usually say hello dad. I don't feel the need to mark my visit for others to see. I haven't and wont visit over xmas even through I am passing, but he has been in my thoughts. He would much rather I was spending my time with the living over Xmas.

You like to see flowers, others don't have the same connection, doesn't make their way of remembering any less worthy.

I would speak to the groundsmen/people if they are leaving dying flowers, they should be removing them.

Everyone I know who has passed away has been cremated. The local grave yard has very few flowers. I wasn't aware that it was ever standard that people always returned to a grave to lay flowers, certainly not for years afterwards. People grieve in different ways.

I do it occasionally, but not at Christmas or any other particular day, just when I'm remembering and thinking about the people or see some flowers I know they would have really loved. It has never occurred to me to care at all about whether or when anyone else does.

I think in general people are much less tied to traditions and conventions.

How many people take flowers to a grave because they think the decreased would have liked them?

I expect many who do, do so just because it’s the “done thing”. I don’t mean that they’re not doing it with love - just that the choice of flowers comes immediately to mind in our culture.

In some other cultures, you’d bring food.

In the same way that we have moved away from strict traditions of covering mirrors and wearing black in mourning, I think that people just feel more free the express their love in a way that’s more meaningful for them.

I would like my husband to lay a plastic bag wrapped paperback on my grave, with a note to a passing mourner to take it, read it, pass it on. More meaningful to what o have loved in life than flowers!

I take flowers to my parents graves every few months but no other family / friends ever do. It makes me abit sad but I know that people grieve and remember in different ways. It is a 'thing' but not for everyone xx

@nodancingshoes X

Thanks for your replies everyone. I must be feeling extra sensitive with it being Christmas x

My grand parents were buried, my mother and daughter were cremated and their ashes buried. We visited the grave last week and took a Christmas display. We go on birthdays and anniversaries. Each to their own but that is what we do.