Do people still bother with flowers and wreaths on graves?

[Thefaceofboe]

Just that really.

Just visited my grandma and grandads joint grave who have been gone 9 years and 12 years. They were a huge part of Christmas and are hugely missed by all the family. They had 9 children and 22 grand children.

Just been to put some flowers and a wreath on their grave (slightly late but I’m 300 miles away but always visit when I’m at my mum and dads) and there wasn’t a thing on there, expect the dying flowers I put there last time I visited. They were the only ones that I could see in that area with not one thing on their graves and it made me really sad . This is a regular thing and in the 9 years my grandma has been gone I’ve only ever seen flowers from someone other than me and my mum, twice. AIBU to expect people to bother?

Yanbu. We are really bad at it and feel guilty. Going is hard...emotionally as well as physically. I'm going to be cremated so I don't become just one more thing to do for the family.

It’s a very personal thing, but I don’t think the majority of people feel obliged to do it in the way that they used to. If people still choose to do it to benefit themselves and as a way of remembering or feeling more connected to their lost loved one, then it can be a lovely thing to do, but I think it’s good that the sense of obligation has mostly gone.

Other people find other ways to remember and celebrate their lost loved ones, and that’s equally as valid and as lovely as leaving flowers on a grave.

YAB extremely U to have any expectations around how others choose to remember family or friends.

Yabvu to judge. It’s possible the others visit the graves more often than you and so don’t need to purchase flowers out of guilt.

In my family we are all cremated but in DH’s family they are buried. They were all regular visitors at one grave (of a parent) but now struggle for time as we all have small DC and the remaining parent needs 24 nursing so a lot of our time is spent juggling with that. Sadly no one now finds time to visit the grave as the living plus full time jobs in another city make it very difficult to find the time. I personally prefer cremations and bringing the urn home.

We always put flowers and wreaths on family members graves at Christmas. My Dad and sister go on Christmas Eve to place holly wreaths.

I work Christmas Eve, so go the weekend before to put flowers on so that it looks nice when they get there.

It’s important to us

My mum doesn’t even have a grave and didn’t have a funeral. We had her cremated and picked up her ashes and then sprinkled her over her favourite place to walk her dogs. Different families do things completely differently.

I mainly do it to remember my nanny as she loved flowers so much. I don’t do it to meet expectations, even if someone saw the flowers, they wouldn’t know they were from me.

I would never put flowers on a grave. In fact I never visit graves. Everyone does things differently.

I do, but it's a out of a mixture of respect and because my nan always did it. Now she's the one that's been buried, I go and do for her what she did for my great grandmother, great grandfather and great aunt.

The cemetery was incredibly busy when I went. Lots of wreaths and fresh flowers on the other graves.

Its a very personal thing. I know if I didn't do it, no one else would. And I like it. I like remembering my nan and paying my respects in the way she taught me to.

@DonPablo the cemetery was full of flowers when I went too, I think it’s lovely to see, especially on the graves that have been there 20+ years

You don’t get to dictate other people’s grief and memories. You just don’t.

I walked around a graveyard last Monday to kill time whilst car was in garage and saw a lot of graves with fresh flowers and several with visitors tidying up.I think it happens less as families are more geographically spread now.

Def not a thing at all in my family - we don't even do funeral flowers. Personally I struggle to see the point of keeping putting flowers on a grave

@PotteringAlong Good job I’m not dictating others grief then isn’t it? If I was telling my family to put flowers on then fair enough. I’m saying it makes me sad and wondering if people still bother with wreaths etc. It’s just the norm to me to visit because I’ve been doing it for so many years

I don’t think it’s unusual, since people tend to move around the country a lot now, it’s not easy to do anymore.

Personally I’d never visit a grave no matter how much I loved the person when they were alive, I find it depressing, and it’s not like it’s hurting their feelings

I put flowers on my grandparents grave in Ireland, it was the first time I’d been there in 14 years, I also put stones on in remembrance, my mil puts wreaths on family graves in N.ireland and my sister put flowers on our mums grave at home

This is a regular thing and in the 9 years my grandma has been gone I’ve only ever seen flowers from someone other than me and my mum, twice. AIBU to expect people to bother?

I think you are. You mention the 9 children and the 22 grandchildren. You clearly are expecting them to do it. And thus you are expecting them to grieve and remember in a way that you see fit.

But you’re being judgemental and saying it ‘makes you sad’, and ‘AIBU to expect people to bother?’ It sounds as if you think the rest of your family should be keeping up the grave.

We put a wreath on my grandparents grave every Christmas.

In the grave yard some have flowers, some don’t. We do it to remember them and because they loved flowers so we put flowers there several times a year.

There’s no right or wrong, people remember in different ways.

YABU
It's lovely that you go if it's something that you benefit from but I don't want a grave that people feel obligated to visit. As someone else says - buy me flowers whilst I'm still alive to enjoy them! Or buy them for your home to enjoy and think of me!
I think of my grandparents lots, I certainly don't need to visit a grave to to do so.
And I want my DS out there living his life - that's the best way he can honour my memory - not having to travel far to spend money on flowers to leave on my grave.

@FergningHorror which is why I’m on here asking if it’s still something people do. It does make me sad as my grandma loved flowers and it’s something I enjoy doing.

The family graves we go to have plants growing in pots rather than cut flowers or wreaths. The last funeral I went to was a natural burial where there was either no grave marker or a tree planted. I think that is what I want when I go.