OH admitted drug problem but am struggling to be supportive

[purplepolo]

For a while OH had occasionally used coke. Everytime it would end in me finding out, arguimg about it, him leaving and ending up coming back. Turns out its not occasional, its every weekend.
He went out xmas eve, didnt come back till late and had obviously been on it. I sucked it up as i didnt want to ruin xmas day but i was livid. Hes been out again tonight, hes come in the door 2.30 and tbh ive just gone mad at him. Ive told him he needs to go, im not having my children around him anymore, im embarrassed ive given him so many chances after him saying he will sort it out. And im just hurt he cant stop it for his family.

He was so apologetic, but i said i dont even care anymore, im so drained by it all i dont want to be around him and i dont want my children around him anymore.

Hes then come out with saying he has a problem with cocaine, and that he wants help. That the two past nights i know about is actually 5 nights. That he does it on his own too, not just in the pub like i had thought.

I probably sound awful but im really struggling to "want" to support him. This has been such an ongoing problem where ive tried to offer my support to help him stop and i havent gotten anywhere. Im just so angry and so upset i just want him gone. I feel its too late for me to help him, which is what hes asking, hes not mentioned other help he just said he wants me to help him sort it out.

Am i being a bitch for not sympathysing with him? I just dont feel sorry for him. He says hes got an addictive personalitiy and that he struggles to say no, but i feel these are just excuses as he had no problem not doing it a few months back, is this where im uneducated in this??
Someone please advise i just feel so stuck :( i just want my partner back but feel like this cycle will never change

What a tough situation. I can only imagine your frustration. He needs to actually seek out some help on his own. I would be incredibly frustrated if I were you. No advice, but to you. I'm here if you want to talk it out.

Well, it sounds a bit like this revelation is only because the shit has hit the fan (was he really going to 'fess up' otherwise?).

But, that said, coke is extremely addictive and could easily have developed from recreational use into a problem within a few months. I did it a bit when much younger and found myself being quite greedy with it, justifying why I should have 'just one more line' before bed once I'd got back. That's partly why I won't touch it nowadays (aside from realising that it's not worth feeling shit for a few days afterwards for a fleeting high, which isn't that great without alcohol).

I know a couple of guys (both ''successful' with good jobs) who developed problems with it. One still does it every weekend from what I know and the other sorted himself out pretty fast at the prospect of his partner and kids moving out (similar situation).

But it can absolutely be overcome. It's not a physical addiction like alcohol where abstinence can lead to the shakes or being seriously ill. If he's been hiding it successfully he's probably not past the stage where he couldn't kick it with a bit of willpower. But around alcohol and the wrong people it will be difficult.

He needs to go, if only for your children's sake. He shouldn't be making this into your problem to fix, it is up to him to seek support ( which he hasnt done as far as i can tell) and it is ok If you cannot provide it, I certainly wouldn't. Look after yourself and your kids.

I can totally see your perspective. I think for many people even one incident of taking cocaine would be sufficient to call it a day. I know it would for me.
I don't know a lot about drug addiction except that it's extremely difficult to overcome. I would take quite a literal approach to the pros and cons to myself and my children of helping him.
Possibly a one chance basis. I would have to take complete control of the family money though to ensure he didnt spend it in drugs. He would need to drastically alter his behaviour and seek proper and extensive help (counselling, GP, support groups etc).
I think in all liklihood I would put as much effort into any help I gave him to also unchaining myself so that if when he messes up I could very simply walk away.
Good luck.

I get it. I grew up with a family like this and as the one being the adult, it is hard to sympathize with that excuse. “It’s not me, it’s my personality...” If I’m honest, I’m pretty intolerant towards this excuse too. I kinda feel like there’s a lot of help out there, but you have to man/woman up, accept responsibility for your issues, recognize that you are NOT entitled to have a good time at the expense of everyone else and start to say no... no to spending money that needs to feed your family & pay your bills, no to taking drugs that fuck with your head, keep you addicted & eventually kill you and your relationships. In theory it shouldn’t be that hard. *goes off for another coffee 🤫

I don’t know anything about coke. However, I know quite a bit about the impossibility of being supportive of a substance-abusing person when you have children. You need to end the relationship. If he sorts himself out, maybe consider getting back together with him in 20 years.
Sorry if that sounds harsh. But he doesn’t respect you: he has lied to you. A lot. You’ve already given him lots of chances. Enough is enough.

I think you need to put yourself and your children first. They are your primary responsibility, not him. What you don’t want to do is to get sucked into the role of carer/enabler/Florence Nightingale.

Having been married to an alcoholic I am quite cynical about the idea of being asked to “support them through it”. In my experience this meant periodic bursts of remorse and self pity interspersed with blatant piss taking and no attempt to really tackle the addiction.

I think if he is really serious about getting clean he needs ideally to move out to show you he is not exposing you to it, and to commit to a treatment program, at the very least from the GP (I realise residential rehab is expensive).

Don’t let yourself backslide into putting up with more of this on the grounds that you are “supporting” him. The onus is on him to prove he is serious.

You can support him from afar, op. You've got an actual life to focus on, don't let him divert attention and energy away from you and your children. You can decide if you want to rekindle things once he's clean.

I wouldn’t be supporting him either. He has chosen drugs over family. He has assumedly spent family money on drugs. He has chosen to have drugs as the most important thing in his life. I know cocaine use is relatively common but that doesn’t make it less dangerous or more legal. It has a huge impact on those around the addict.
I wouldn’t raise my children around drugs. I wouldn’t be manipulated by an addict.
Undoubtedly he needs help, but he’ll need that from substance misuse services not you. I would, sadly, walk away knowing it was better in the long run. Put yourself and your children first.

Don't get into supporting him...he has to want to do himself but most addicts fail after a few days. If they are not his kids I would get him out of your life as once an addict, always an addict

He needs to go, OP. He is only thinking of himself. That's what coke users do.

I spent so much of yesterday, thanking myself for having ditched my waste of space, selfish coke using ex in July. Oh what a Happy Christmas it made for me!
I said to my Mum yesterday that if there was one thing I could rely on him for, it was that he would always let me down. Slowly but surely, he's losing friends and family as he's shown not to give a shit about them. But then he loves to play the victim card.
Gets a bit wearing after a while. You can't support people unless they really want to do something. And then like a PP said, it can be done from afar (although I'm 100% not doing this. Not my responsibility. Thankfully he doesn't have kids)

Childre are involved, you need to put them first. If he really wants help he will get it.

It’s not for you to help him. That ship has sailed. He seeks help and he goes into a drug rehab program. You have nothing to do other than support his choices.

He’s only asking for support as a last ditch attempt to stay with you. He wouldn’t have otherwise, would he?

I would ask him to move out and commit to a treatment program somewhere that would involve you further down the line. See if he means it. If he does; great. If he doesn’t, you and your kids aren’t exposed to his issues.

You’re definitely not a bitch you have children (his too?) to take care of. The help he needs and the steps he needs to take are things he has to do himself, you can’t do it for him.

Anyway in my personal experience if you stick around to pick up the pieces you end up enabling them and that will destroy you.

Just don't go there. If he has an "addictive personality" as he claims then you will clearly have a lifetime of this shit. Sorry, I may be a bitch as well, but I could not/would not stay with a coke addict. Life's too short for that shit.

Get rid. It never changes, and even if he kicks this habit he'll probably replace with alcohol or weed. It's so draining living with an addict, takes up so much of your mental strength and affects your mental health. If I had my time again I'd run for the hills. Good luck OP x

In the simplest terms, he does have a problem and it’s good he has admitted it, superficially he might even actually be sorry (temporarily), but I’d bet you anything he’s just saying what you want to hear so he gets to live another day so to speak.

He knows that if he pulls you into supporting him, helping him get the help he needs all he needs to do go through the motions and to make it look as if he is towing the line. Meanwhile he will get more secretive with his usage and after some time will eventually carry on just like he has before.

If he really wants to stop, if he really wants help he is more than capable of getting it for himself. It also shouldn’t have taken a huge blow out from you for him to say he wants to stop.

If he was genuine he would have stopped going to places where he knows there are temptations. Likewise he would also stop doing things and indulging in behaviours he knows are likely to lead him down that path.

You issuing ultimatums or ending the relationship is not going to get him to stop, he has to genuinely want to stop. If it is not genuine from him, all that’s going to happen is that he is going to fail. Your heart is going to end up in a tug of war between him and the drugs because he will plead that he is trying, doesn’t want to fail, can’t help it, trying to recover etc etc and he will guilt you saying things like ‘without you what is the point’ ‘I’m doing it for you’ and frankly anything else he can think of to get you to keep holding on.

Honestly OP don’t feel guilty for not wanting to help him more, and to be honest your better off saving yourself and your kids the hassle. Recovery even when genuine and much wanted is not a one way street.

LTB. He is trying to turn it into your problem and it shouldn't be.

What @thepeopleversuswork said. Every single word.

Asking you to be his support is just asking your permission.

If you say yes you will then be culpable, responsible for him every time he takes it.

Hell even be able to tell himself he has your blessing... as you are working on it together.

Stick to your guns. Turn his emotional blackmail back on him - if he loves you he will seek professional help and will quit.

But don't ever feel that you have let him down. His choice is all his own doing!

OP, I’ve been there. My exP had a cocaine addiction. We were together for about 9 months before I knew about it. It was only after we moved in together it became apparent. He told me he’d previously used but not for years. Turns out it was all a lie and like your partner, would do it alone, at work sometimes or whatever. It was really tough, I tried to support him but we ended up splitting up. It was a huge factor in me wanting to split.

I asked him to stop numerous times. Luckily for us there were no kids involved, just me that was heartbroken.

Since then he went into a massive downward spiral but seems to now be in a place where he is getting support. But he needed to get there on his own, not being pushed by me. A great friend of mine is clean and sober and offered me some really great advice, but at the end of it, it boils down to how much they WANT to stop.

Cocaine is highly addictive and ruins lives. Seriously think about what you want for you and your children.

All the best OP.

You made mistakes staying with him when he uses drugs. You have DC to consider so IMO this is a straightforward LTB.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. He has to want to get off it himself and it sounds like he is putting pressure on your to be a "crutch" which isn't fair. You also have DC to think of. I believe, if it were me, I'd want to split. If he gets clean it could be ok, but it could be a long winding road down of him lying, spending all your (family) money and being a constant drain.