OH admitted drug problem but am struggling to be supportive

[purplepolo]

For a while OH had occasionally used coke. Everytime it would end in me finding out, arguimg about it, him leaving and ending up coming back. Turns out its not occasional, its every weekend.
He went out xmas eve, didnt come back till late and had obviously been on it. I sucked it up as i didnt want to ruin xmas day but i was livid. Hes been out again tonight, hes come in the door 2.30 and tbh ive just gone mad at him. Ive told him he needs to go, im not having my children around him anymore, im embarrassed ive given him so many chances after him saying he will sort it out. And im just hurt he cant stop it for his family.

He was so apologetic, but i said i dont even care anymore, im so drained by it all i dont want to be around him and i dont want my children around him anymore.

Hes then come out with saying he has a problem with cocaine, and that he wants help. That the two past nights i know about is actually 5 nights. That he does it on his own too, not just in the pub like i had thought.

I probably sound awful but im really struggling to "want" to support him. This has been such an ongoing problem where ive tried to offer my support to help him stop and i havent gotten anywhere. Im just so angry and so upset i just want him gone. I feel its too late for me to help him, which is what hes asking, hes not mentioned other help he just said he wants me to help him sort it out.

Am i being a bitch for not sympathysing with him? I just dont feel sorry for him. He says hes got an addictive personalitiy and that he struggles to say no, but i feel these are just excuses as he had no problem not doing it a few months back, is this where im uneducated in this??
Someone please advise i just feel so stuck :( i just want my partner back but feel like this cycle will never change

OP my dp was the same. You need to kick him out. He has picked coke for now.
If he wants you and the dc he will be back with support in place to help staying off it.
It's hard but if he wants to quit he will.
He has picked coke so kick him out and let him have it.

Id have split the first moment I realised he did drugs and certainly would never have bought children into the situation.

If you split you need to stick by it though and not keep going back.

It's very easy to cry and beg and say you're ashamed and need help. But your OH needs to take concrete actions that show he is dealing with it - he needs to seek help himself, find an addiction counsellor, join a support group, read books, change his habits, etc. He can't just cry all over you and expect you to sort it out.

If he says "I can do this by myself" then he is not serious about changing.

The revelation is just to continue this toxic cycle. Enabling and supporting are two different things. You can’t fix him but you can limit the damage your dysfunctional relationship is having on your children.

Only he can do something about his drug use, don’t be his crutch.

I've done the Support My Loved One In Their Addiction thing. For a decade. Put it this way, I wouldn't do squat for the next loved one, unless it was my child, who came to me whining about having an addiction. It will consume you and your family. Get rid.

You can't help him, he has to get professional help and sort himself out, while you look after yourself and the kids.

I've been there....I'm afraid you need to put your children first

I've done the Support My Loved One In Their Addiction thing. For a decade. Put it this way, I wouldn't do squat for the next loved one, unless it was my child, who came to me whining about having an addiction. It will consume you and your family. Get rid.

I've also done it for close to a decade and I've already decided that even though my DS is the absolute love of my life, who I would lay down my life for in just about every way. If he goes down that path as an adult, the only person I'll be supporting is his poor partner if he has one. That's not to say I'd cut him off entirely but I know that there is a limit on what help I can provide and anything beyond that will achieve nothing other than to suck the life out of me.

He’s only decided to admit to the level of problem because you’ve given him no other route.
Had you once again let it slide, this revelation wouldn’t have come about. He’s not come to you, he’s been forced into a confession (assuming he’s telling the truth and not over egging what actually is a choice he’s been making).

If he truly wants to stop, change and move forward, he can. He will need help to do it, it’s almost impossible to beat a real addiction on your own.
You can’t do any of that for him, short of giving him a lift to the GP there’s nothing else for you to do.

YANBU for being past the point of caring. Deep down I’m sure you do want him to get better and be a good dad to the kids, so from that aspect you can offer support but all of the work is his.

If he’s committed to doing it, then it should begin immediately. Off his own back.