31 Weeks Pregnant. Do I even want this baby?

[Artemis1307]

Hi. I've just hit the 31 week mark in my pregnancy and this feeling hit me today. I'm not sure what's brought it on but I'm questioning why I decided to have a child and if I've made a huge mistake. This is my first baby and I'm worried about how this is baby is going to change my life. He was entirely on purpose and despite what I'm guessing have been normal reservations, me and my partner have been predominantly happy about our current situation. I feel kind of selfish for questioning the decision we made when we decided to have a baby but I just cant seem to stop from wondering how things might be if I hadnt gotten pregnant. Has anyone else felt this way? Did anything help you feel better? Could this just be nerves?

How is your relationship, how are things at home? Is your partner the same lovely, caring, engaged, chatty and helpful man he was before you got pregnant?

I think this is an entirely normal reaction, especially with a first baby. You know your life is going to change, you’ve planned it, you’ve imagined it and prepared for it. Despite this you never know exactly how life is going to change, how it will feel, how you will cope. This big change is now just a matter of weeks away and becoming very very real.

Before pregnancy, TTC and even in early pregnancy all of this change is just a dot in the distance, like a nice idea or a fantasy that’s yet to come to fruition. Think of it a bit like booking a holiday but for very far into the future. You get excited while your picking out the destination, planning where you will stay, what you’ll do and all the things you’ll look forward to etc. Then once it’s booked after a little while you forget about it because it’s ages away. Then just a few weeks before your due to fly you have a major panic and rush around realising your passport might have expired, your suitcase needs replacing, and that you’ve not stocked up on sunscreen.

You’ve basically got last minute jitters don’t worry. Also even those of use who have children (3 myself) and love them to death and wouldn’t be without them, still wonder what our lives might have been like if we didn’t have them. It means nothing, it’s just a wondering, the same way in which you wonder how you might spend your millions if you were to win the lottery.

I think it's entirely normal. A combination of nerves about what is to come including the birth, 'what other path could my life have taken' thoughts, and increasing physical discomfort of the pregnancy.

I felt this way pretty much my entire pregnancy. But since the day dc was born I've really enjoyed it and never regretted a thing.

@PicsInRed He has been great. Really supportive. Only time I feel bad towards him is when he is asleep and I'm not, which unfortunately happens a lot. I do think that the reality hasnt truly sunk in for him yet and wonder what our relationship will be like when he is sleep deprived.

@Lillygolightly @1300cakes

Thank you. It's nice to know I'm not the only one to have felt this way. There are definitely a lot of nerves starting to kick in now that the labour, birth and first couple of weeks with baby are right on my doorstep. Almost seems impossible to sort through the swirl of emotions that occur on a minute to minute basis right now. My head feels like its constantly processing 'What ifs...'

Hi I felt like this during my pregnancy and gave birth 7 months ago.

Life WIlL change for you but honestly it’s the best thing I ever did even when there have been tiring and difficult times. My DH feels the same and gushes about our DD

It’s bound to feel surreal and yet terrifyingly at the same time in this final trimester

All the best

YANBU, I think it is all normal. Enjoy your baby and good luck. It will pass, this feeling, IMHO,

I think it's totally normal. It's terrifying, life-changing and huge. For what it's worth I never went through 'the fear' when pregnant as I assumed it would be all swanning round with a sweet baby in a pram while I shopped and long weekend lie ins with baby next to me. I was an idiot. It meant when the baby was born it hit me like a truck, particularly when DC2 arrived and my life seemed so far from ever being how it was previously. Now I can see it's totally different with kids but so much better overall, and as they get bigger I'll get more snippets of my old life back too.
I think having the worry when pregnant means the reality won't hit you as hard as you're at least partly expecting a shock to the system.

You're not unreasonable. I had a planned and wanted baby and a very easy pregnancy during which I was extremely content - except, at almost exactly the same stage as you are, I felt as you do which depressed and worried me. Didn't last long though and neither will your sad patch.

This hit home for me because I am the mother of a child who was born at 29 weeks . . . a three pounder who had a long struggle for life as a baby, but who is now a lovely, interesting man. Yes, parenting is terrifying. Oh my god. How can any sensible person not be afraid of having total responsibility for keeping another human alive? But oh, the fun, the surprises, the love, the growth . . . there is no experience like it. Nothing that stretches a person. Nothing that makes a person dig so deep. It is horrible and wonderful to love like that. Good luck, young mother! Prepare to be amazed!

I’m 37 weeks and the other day I was led awake in a total panic over why we’ve done this.

I was absolutely desperate for a baby for years and when we finally both got on the same page and staffing trying and fell pregnant I was nothing but happy and excited so I have no idea what brought it on.

But I kept thinking of all the things other people have put in my head

I think that’s the problem.. is all the
“no one is ever ready for a baby”
“you don’t know what’s coming”
“it’s really hard work you have no idea”
“you don’t know how hard it is until she’s here”
“You will never sleep again!”
“You have this commitment for at least the next 18 years”

It’s my one pet hate, so far I’ve rolled my eyes and laughed it off and just took it in my stride. But I think people need to stop trying to scaremongering new/first time mothers. We know it’s going to be bloody hard for crying out loud, you don’t need to stress to us how tired and little energy we’re going to have.

Why can people say positive things?

But anyway, I’ve since just shrugged it off again. I know that once we’ve established a routine (Me and DP with the baby not so much baby’s routine as I can’t imagine many have much of a pattern for ages) and have settled in nicely then we’re going to be brilliant parents.

As will you be. Don’t worry.. you know what wouldn’t have made it this far if you had made the wrong choice.

And it’s not too much longer before we can have a real wine!

I had a moment like this when my son was a newborn. I was looking at him and didn’t see a tiny baby, I saw a 5 year old, a 10 year old, a 15 year old.... etc... and I remember just thinking “what the fuck have I done? How am I meant to keep this human alive for the next 18 years?! OMG it’s MY RESPONSIBILITY TO KEEP A HUMAN ALIVE! I can’t even keep house plants alive!”

It did pass. He’s 10 now and still alive. But I’ll never forget that feeling!

My first baby was planned and very much wanted but I spent up until 36weeks pregnant in complete denial it was happening! I wasn't ready for that responsibility. I still don't feel ready now and she's almost 5yo and I now have 2dc.

I think to some extent it's a protective strategy. Like pps have said, if you think birth and those early months are going to be a walk in the park it can be a huge shock and really throw new parents. If say it's better to have a healthy expectation.

If I were you I would take the opportunity to concentrate on looking after yourself in the last couple of months before baby arrives. Go swimming, read books and sleep etc. Your life will be different ( in a good way!) This last bit of pregnancy almost feels like saying goodbye to your old pre baby life.

I had 2 lovely births, 2 quite challenging none-sleeping babies but I would go back and do it again in a heartbeat. It is a special time , good luck!

@lillygolightly such a good analogy - the holiday!

A supportive partner is 95% of the battle won. Make sure you are also getting plenty of sleep (as much as possible anyway) after the birth - you have to care for a newborn but you also have a physical recovery for which you need sleep. As long as your partner carries his share of that burden, you'll be absolutely fine. 💐

I turned to my husband the day before my son's due date and asked 'Have we done the right thing?!'. Its totally normal! This is one of the biggest changes in your life you will ever experience so of course you will have reservations. I guarantee that once you hold that baby in your arms, any doubts will go out the window. It's going to be OK OP 💐

I distinctly remember telling my OH that I didn't feel ready for this baby and that I wanted to wait before being a parent. Problem was I was in labour at the point so it was a bit late.

I think it's perfectly normal to feel worried about it and about how life will change - especially around Christmas when (in my case) you're stuck being sober, can't eat much due to indigestion and knackered!

Don’t panic everyone gets a bit of a what the fuck have we done moment. Prepare for more of them along the way.

I experienced this! Although we had tried for almost a decade to have a baby at times in the pregnancy I thought ‘OMG what have we done!’ It was more a a surprise as the baby was very very wanted! I was worried about how much of my life would change & really wasn’t sure about it.

Having just had our first Christmas with her I could not be happier that she has joined our family, she is the most wonderful little one and if it wasn’t for our ages we would do it again tomorrow.

Don’t worry, hormones are really funny things and I’m sure you will be fine

I had that when I brought my first dc home. I had imagined all happy cherished moments. When I went to go to bed the crying started and I was like holy fuck what do I do now!

You’ll be fine op everyone gets the jitters at some point. Better to get them out of the way now. Despite all the crying and sleep deprivation it really is an experience like no other- I went on to have another two so it can’t be that bad.

You will be amazing- good luck

The 'holy shit what have i done' feeling never really goes away, even when they're teenagers it'll be alright though OP. It's good that you realise life is going to change, the period of adjustment can be tough but you have the most amazing love in return.

I felt exactly how Fork describes - they "oh my god I've just voluntarily given myself a life sentence" feeling. It can be very very hard, especially if you find that however delightful their newborn sqishiness is, babies don't do a whole lot beyond making demands. I would imagine those feelings could well hit during pregnancy.

Your life does change out of all recognition, and there will be stuff you used to do that you can't any more (for me, dangerous sports).

But I've found the plus points outweigh the minuses, and also as he's got older I've got a lot of myself back. Also, I now do adventurous things with him (still remember the look on the other climbers faces when I popped into the summit of a rocky peak in the Alps with my 7 yo on the other end of the rope).

One thing worth bearing in mind is you can have ante natal depression (I had one brief episode of this) so if these feelings have suddenly come out of nowhere maybe that's a possibility worth considering.

I used to joke when DS was a baby that I wanted a t-shirt that said "this is not PND, this is a rational reaction to intolerable circumstances". In retrospect, I'd say I did have PND, but also that there was a lot of truth in my imaginary t-shirt - those first few months are very very hard.

But it gets easier and I can now honestly say he's the best thing in my life (still not necessarily the easiest - there are times I think "boarding school, why didn't I send him" ).

You will be ok. I had severe pnd, a poor feeder/sleeper for a baby, my husband was useless and I had no family nearby and it was still the best thing I ever did and I knew that straight away. You can't imagine it any other way once they arrive

I’m pregnant with my second and this is a very much wanted and planned for baby but I’m worried about how I’ll manage and how it’ll effect the dynamic of our family so I’d like to think it’s entirely normal. When DH and I have done anything big like get married or buy a house I’ve always been a bit like this so it doesn’t surprise me that I feel this way.

It's a big change with no instruction manual it's normal to freak out at times in pregnancy. I'm sure once the baby arrives it will be the best thing you ever did!