Split up for good but want to know AIBU first

[turkeytoodry]

So bit of background, ex and I have been together for 8 years, split up last year but we tried to make a go at it this year. The reason for the split was, he’s not really a hard grafter, very lazy. Doesn’t work properly, if he’s working that job will last a month or two and then he’ll quit. No ambition/ goals, wants the good life but doesn’t want to work. Never listened to me or took me seriously when I spoke to him about things, never helped with the children complete man child. He’s an only child, and comes from a home where the mother did everything for him except wipe his arse( I’m sure if she could do that, she’ll love it) told him I was done last year, anyway he was really upset and he lost weight, got himself on a personal trainer course, and I thought yes! He finally got the message and changed, but unfortunately that didn’t last, back to not working again and he’s not on the course, keep making excuses.

Anyway on Friday it was his turn to have the kids, he texted me saying he’s at the Christmas do with his sports club.

Conversation went as follows

Me: so what’s the plan then?
Him: Ignores me.
Me: can you tell me what the plan is?
Him: I don’t know if I can have them tonight, but I was driving by so thought I’d pop round and say hello to the kids. I need to do something
Me: What do you need to do?
Him: Ignores me and starts playing with the kids.
Me: Why can’t you tell me what you need to do? Why are you ignoring me?
Him: Why do I have to tell you everything? It’s none of your business
Me: I need to know if you’re having the kids this weekend?
Him: Fuck off .. then storms off
comes back 10 mins later

Him: I was going to have a coffee with my club, but I knew you’d bombard me with texts and calls asking how long I’m going to be so I’ve cancelled that now. So you can fuck off now

Then next day he texts me as if nothing had happened. I text him back saying I’m really upset at the way you spoke to me yesterday in front of the children, ignoring me when I was trying to find out what was going. When you could just simply have said I’m going out for a coffee, will be back x time. Told him I was crying in my bedroom because of this, because it brought back memories of when I was a child, I had to witness my parents argue and he never did as his dad died when he was 2.

Completely ignores that long message, then asks me if he’s received anything from HSBC..

Then the next day, starts texting me as if nothing has happened.

Again I tell him why I’m upset with him, and if he obviously doesn’t care about my feelings.

Ignores me again. But he came round, and I asked him why he was ignoring that message he says “ well you’re always moaning about something..”

On Monday I took the kids to the cinema, and sent him a picture. He texted back saying ‘ was it good?’ I ignored that and he got really arsey about it, I said to him you don’t take me seriously, and you don’t listen to anything I say but you want to keep talking as if nothing had happened. Then he texts back saying “ I’m done playing your games, I guess that’s you done then .”

Part of this is my fault, because I do “moan” about things, then make up later which is properly why he doesn’t take me seriously, and thought I was now upset again but I’d make up with him next week. But it’s because I do have feelings for him, and I do so desperately want to keep this family together, I come from a broken home and I don’t want my children to go through that. But I’ve realised I can’t be with this man, he will never change and we’re just better apart. Just want to know if AIBU, did I handle things the wrong way? I feel like it’s such a small thing that’s kind of escalated.

I think you're right to split with him, but I do think you're handling things the wrong way.

Stop asking him about his plans.
Stop telling him about how he makes you feel
Stop 'moaning' at him
Stop sending him pictures of your DC

You've realised you can't be with this man so you need to act like you mean it. This means:

• put in place firm contact arrangements (e.g. every other weekend). Be very clear by emailing him when he need to pick up DC and drop them off.
• If he doesn't collect DC on time then he doesn't get to have contact with DC.
• Return all his poster 'return to sender' and tell he can no longer have any post delivered to your address
• Treat him like an ex who you tolerate for the children's sake
• Block him on all social media and try and communicate only by email

You’ve split from him. Stop expecting him to care if you are upset - he couldn’t care less.
He is an idle selfish waste of space and you hoping he will change isn’t going to alter that. Sorry.

@havaina is right. Move on. Promise yourself something better for 2020.

Agree with Havaina. He needs to know that not being a couple means he cannot expect things from you that would be normal in a couple, and vice versa.

However, knowing about what the plans are for your kids, that is expected and he needs to make plans and stick to them.

Hope 2020 is brilliant for you, you are definitely not being unreasonable.

Told him I was crying in my bedroom because of this, because it brought back memories of when I was a child, I had to witness my parents argue and he never did as his dad died when he was 2

Do you actually say this to him?

If so get a grip of yourself, yab extremely u.

He sounds like an arse but, yes, you do come across as a moaner too and I agree with the pp’s advice - stop messaging him, stop placing responsibility for your emotional well-being on him. You’re split so act like it.

I am reading this that you are back together except you aren’t a couple.

Yes treat hit like an ex which is almost a professional relationship.

He doesn’t care about your feelings.

Standard schedule will help

He sounds like a bit of a lazy twat, but I don't think the comment about parents was particularly tactful. My parents have argued all my life and it's shit - came over for xmas this year and first thing I hear upon waking Xmas morn is them shouting at each other for an hour). But this does not compare to them being dead.

Man's a total arse.

He sounds completely selfish. Even his attempt at losing weight wasn't for you or the family but for him.

I think because of your childhood you are trying constantly to fix him, which is understandable because of your children but he has proven he won't change.

I don't think you are moaning but you are wasting your energy as he blames you to stop being held accountable and this causes you to doubt yourself.
I am sure he can behave well at times and it is the few good times that keep you hooked.

It is painful to separate but look back and think of all the times he has made you cry, are you really able to continue tolerating him?

I definitely wouldn't be open about your feelings as all it does is give him ammunition to use against you.

It's very messy. You need a clean break. Stop trying to keep the family together for the sake of the children ... he sounds like a loser so make a very big effort to stop trying to get his attention. You moan about him ignoring your messages then moan about him getting arsey with you when you ignore one of his. It all sounds very toxic and childish.

“when I was a child, I had to witness my parents argue and he never did as his dad died when he was 2”

Wow, lucky him

“On Monday I took the kids to the cinema, and sent him a picture. He texted back saying ‘ was it good?’ I ignored that and he got really arsey about it”

You don’t exactly sound like a delight yourself.
I’d love to know the back story you’re not telling us

when I was a child, I had to witness my parents argue and he never did as his dad died when he was 2.

Wow lucky him

^ This. That is such a nasty comment and so lacking in awareness that I don’t know where to start. Maybe his mother did everything for him except wipe his arse to try to make up for the fact his father died!!

You’re both backing eachother into a corner instead to communicating with one another. Neither of you can see things from the other person’s perspective. It is absolutely not ok that he reneged on an agreement to have the kids.

He sounds like a massive man child with some pretty big issues and you should be glad he’s called time. However you need to own your part in these arguments with him. I think previous posters have explained that bit well.

I don’t understand this “broken home” none sense. I think half of the time it’s just an excuse.

My parents were unhappy and got divorced when I was young. I was never affected by the divorce though. In fact it was better as there were arguments often.. not that it affected us but there were arguments we witnessed, once they finally spilt up they were both happier so why would you want to try and hold together a family that isnt working? it not for your children, because they won’t appreciate it.

Let sleeping dogs lie. Contact only for your children’s arrangements if you can’t get along, give him a chance to arrange his plans too. You can’t demand an on the spot answer all of time. He does have a life without you now which I think you’re failing to see.. people make plans, sometimes by accident, sometimes they just come about so if he’s got plans while he’s meant to have the children give him half a chance to either sort himself out or decide he needs to rearrange another day.

He’s human to, and regardless of being two years old that mans father is dead, he probably had very little memories of him as it is so show some compassion.

He’s a childish nightmare. You definitely did the right thing splitting up with him, 100%. Now you need to start being much more emotionally detached and give him set times he can see the kids.

"He sounds completely selfish. Even his attempt at losing weight wasn't for you or the family but for him."

Sorry if I've taken this the wrong way, but surely his attempt to lose way should be for him.

Anyway OP you are both to blame here - move on forget him.

Yabu. Leave him be, you're not meant to be together. Hes a dickhead but you're not behaving well either. I've really got no idea why you kept texting him about how you feel, he was right you didn't need to know what he was up to. Just a time would have been good

You’re way too emotionally invested - you sound like a couple, not exes. It’s not easy: I went through this when I split with my DD’s father, but you need to put much firmer boundaries in place.

For example don’t tell him you’re upset with him. He doesn’t have your back: frankly at best you are boring him, at worst giving him ammunition. Withdrawal of contact may not be practical or desirable but you need to make it clear that you won’t put up with him dicking you around with arrangements as opposed to mithering him about what he’s doing.

You both need to step right back and make this a much cooler, more professional relationship.

He sounds childish and you sound annoying and whiny.

You need to split up properly!
No more him coming into your house.
Strict schedule for his contact with the DC, and he collects them from the doorstep/garden gate. If he doesn't arrive on time then you should have taken them out/put them to bed or whatever.
Don't expect support from him. Don't give yourselves opportunities to argue. Restrict contact to one channel, and block on all others. (And go cold turkey on contacting him yourself.)

And maybe get yourself some help - that comment about parents is the kind of self-indulgent crap we might all think in a crying fit - but is not something you ever say out loud even somewhere anonymous like this.

Please OP read the first response. Havaina is spot on.

Accept its over.

Don’t engage other than children related issues, preferably by email as it is less instrusive and demanding than texts.

Sort out a official access and financial arrangements and ensure they are enforced.

Start the new year alone and with a p,an in place.

I had to witness my parents argue and he never did as his dad died when he was 2.

As someone whose dad died when I was a child, did you actually say this shitty comment out loud?!

Me: What do you need to do?
Him: Ignores me and starts playing with the kids.
Me: Why can’t you tell me what you need to do? Why are you ignoring me?
Him: Why do I have to tell you everything? It’s none of your business
Me: I need to know if you’re having the kids this weekend?

What he is doing is none of your business. If you need to know if he's having the kids than that is what you ask.

When you could just simply have said I’m going out for a coffee, will be back x time.

Because it was none of your business other than the time.

Told him I was crying in my bedroom because of this, because it brought back memories of when I was a child, I had to witness my parents argue and he never did as his dad died when he was 2.

That was just plain nasty and horrible.

Again I tell him why I’m upset with him, and if he obviously doesn’t care about my feelings.

He doesn't need to care about your feelings, you certainly didn't care about his when you mentioned his dad dying.

You're obviously better off apart and it's better for the kids to have two happy parents apart than two unhappy parents together. I think you want to stay together but he doesn't.

he is most certainly an arse and you were right to split with him but you are still way too emotionally invested.

your interaction with him needs to be impersonal and business-like. you have no interest in his life except for maintaining a reasonable level of awareness to know the children will be safe in his care.

the arrangements for his pickup and drop off should be exactly the same every time - children need stability and predictability not chaos. so no texting back and forth about when he is coming - it is just known that when it's his turn he arrives at 4pm (for example). and you establish that if he hasn't arrived by 4:30 you can assume he's not coming and the time with him is cancelled because it is bad for the children to be kept in limbo not knowing whether their parent can be bothered with them or not.

your only focus in regards to interacting with him is the wellbeing of the children. their best interests are paramount. anything else regarding what he gets up to should be pretty much irrelevant to you.

You are being influenced by your adapts failed marriage/ arguments. Can you have counselling? DH is influenced by his doting DM , you pestering him is maybe like she was? He needs some counselling to stop his behaviour. But he prob doesn't want it.

YANBU to split up with him and stay split up. It sounds like he is immature and you are incompatible.

YABU to make the unsympathetic comment about his dad dying