Split up for good but want to know AIBU first

[turkeytoodry]

So bit of background, ex and I have been together for 8 years, split up last year but we tried to make a go at it this year. The reason for the split was, he’s not really a hard grafter, very lazy. Doesn’t work properly, if he’s working that job will last a month or two and then he’ll quit. No ambition/ goals, wants the good life but doesn’t want to work. Never listened to me or took me seriously when I spoke to him about things, never helped with the children complete man child. He’s an only child, and comes from a home where the mother did everything for him except wipe his arse( I’m sure if she could do that, she’ll love it) told him I was done last year, anyway he was really upset and he lost weight, got himself on a personal trainer course, and I thought yes! He finally got the message and changed, but unfortunately that didn’t last, back to not working again and he’s not on the course, keep making excuses.

Anyway on Friday it was his turn to have the kids, he texted me saying he’s at the Christmas do with his sports club.

Conversation went as follows

Me: so what’s the plan then?
Him: Ignores me.
Me: can you tell me what the plan is?
Him: I don’t know if I can have them tonight, but I was driving by so thought I’d pop round and say hello to the kids. I need to do something
Me: What do you need to do?
Him: Ignores me and starts playing with the kids.
Me: Why can’t you tell me what you need to do? Why are you ignoring me?
Him: Why do I have to tell you everything? It’s none of your business
Me: I need to know if you’re having the kids this weekend?
Him: Fuck off .. then storms off
comes back 10 mins later

Him: I was going to have a coffee with my club, but I knew you’d bombard me with texts and calls asking how long I’m going to be so I’ve cancelled that now. So you can fuck off now

Then next day he texts me as if nothing had happened. I text him back saying I’m really upset at the way you spoke to me yesterday in front of the children, ignoring me when I was trying to find out what was going. When you could just simply have said I’m going out for a coffee, will be back x time. Told him I was crying in my bedroom because of this, because it brought back memories of when I was a child, I had to witness my parents argue and he never did as his dad died when he was 2.

Completely ignores that long message, then asks me if he’s received anything from HSBC..

Then the next day, starts texting me as if nothing has happened.

Again I tell him why I’m upset with him, and if he obviously doesn’t care about my feelings.

Ignores me again. But he came round, and I asked him why he was ignoring that message he says “ well you’re always moaning about something..”

On Monday I took the kids to the cinema, and sent him a picture. He texted back saying ‘ was it good?’ I ignored that and he got really arsey about it, I said to him you don’t take me seriously, and you don’t listen to anything I say but you want to keep talking as if nothing had happened. Then he texts back saying “ I’m done playing your games, I guess that’s you done then .”

Part of this is my fault, because I do “moan” about things, then make up later which is properly why he doesn’t take me seriously, and thought I was now upset again but I’d make up with him next week. But it’s because I do have feelings for him, and I do so desperately want to keep this family together, I come from a broken home and I don’t want my children to go through that. But I’ve realised I can’t be with this man, he will never change and we’re just better apart. Just want to know if AIBU, did I handle things the wrong way? I feel like it’s such a small thing that’s kind of escalated.

I'm sure your head is all the place with this, unfortunately break ups can sometimes take a long time and feelings can be very confused.

But, you are playing games with him. You are trying to get him to be someone he's not. Your point about watching your parents argue is a silly one, and totally unnecessary.

You sent him a picture of the kids at the cinema. He replied asking if they enjoyed it, and you ignored that. Why? To prove a point? What point? And why send the picture in the first place if you're going to ignore an innocent conversation about it.

You give out that he doesn't communicate with you, and then you're not happy when he does.

Set up an access schedule for the kids, and try to stick to it. That way you'll all know where you stand. You won't need to quiz him on his plans.

You have broken up. You need to accept you have broken up. And you need to accept that outside of his relationship and access with his children, you have no right to know what he's doing.

Stop looking for a reaction from him. You'll never get the one you want.

If your friend told you her (male) ex partner was texting her like this, you would be telling her he was a creepy twat and he needed to back the fuck off. You are way too involved in his life for someone you don’t want to be with.

If you’ve changed your mind and you do still want to be with him, then for god’s sake get some couples counselling so you don’t just get back together and carry on repeating the same mistakes that got you in this mess in the first place.

Dear God just split up properly.
You both sound childish. He doesn't give a toss about your feelings or care about how his selfish ways impact you and dc. It is all about him.
You keep expecting him to treat you differently but you have not changed. You provoke him to an argument with your stupid games. Just admit that you are not and can never be a couple. Agree a schedule for the dc and stick with it. Stop antagonising him and he can stop retaliating.
You texting him that your childhood with two arguing parents was worse than his fatherless childhood is the single most selfish comment I have read on MN.

Your home is already broken.
You need to stop imagining he will care & become another person,
Move on, move up.

Told him I was crying in my bedroom because of this, because it brought back memories of when I was a child, I had to witness my parents argue and he never did as his dad died when he was 2.

Such emotional blackmail here! I actually gasped when I read this last bit about his dad dying. That's a terrible thing to say!
What you're doing is prolonging the agony of the separation and this will be impacting on your children. Just realise that it's over, and move on. Stop interrogating him about where he is or what he's doing. Agree to set times when he has the kids and stick to it.
You're being controlling and trying to emotionally blackmail him.

Even his attempt at losing weight wasn't for you or the family but for him

😄 I know this fella isn't great, but poor chap can't do anything right!!

He was even wrong to get healthier 😄😄.

OP, you are being unreasonable.

You can't control him. He is not your property. You don't need to know what he's doing and when. He has a life separate to you and the children. He doesn't have to explain himself.

You need to know if and what time he is collecting the kids. If you say 2pm and he says 4pm you don't get to ask what he's doing until 4pm. It's none of your business.

I agree. Stay split up. You two bring out the worst in each other.
He sees your supportiveness as controlling & demanding, so he can justify his laziness. You will get nowhere with him.

Told him I was crying in my bedroom because of this, because it brought back memories of when I was a child, I had to witness my parents argue and he never did as his dad died when he was 2.

OP, this was a really bad text to send. It is emotional blackmail and also shows you have zero understanding and empathy as to how much worse it is to grow up without a parent. I lost my mother at a young age in a car accident. I would love to have memories of her and my dad having the occasional argument because it would mean she was alive and there and I could talk to her and hug her.

For your own sake, you need to take some relationship or communication classes or do some self help reading before you start a new relationship. This kind of behaviour on your part will ruin any future relationship if you don’t understand and learn better ways to communicate.

Stop expecting him to care about your feelings. He doesn’t, he has no reason to anymore so stop sending him long messages telling him how you feel. You’re not a couple.

As others have said, get a contact arrangement drawn up, don’t contact him at all unless it’s directly about the children and avoid any conversation when you do handover- keep it minimal and light to avoid arguments. Your kids don’t need it.

Also have you considered counselling for yourself? Mine really helped me after I left my ex.

Also no matter how selfish or lazy this ex is, well done him for ignoring that cringey long message you sent full of emotional blackmail and a swipe at him for having no dad from the age of 2.

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre, he never took action that was beneficial for the OP, such as getting a job or doing housework. His focus was on himself. If lost weight because that was the underlying cause of his laziness/lack of energy, fair enough, however I suspect he lost weight because of vanity or a fear she would follow through and he might be single!

I think you need to treat it like a business transaction , just have a set contact plan for your kids and that's it.
Having had a parent die young myself but old enough to be able remember them arguing, not having dad at all is worse than the arguements, it was a selfish comment to make and for the kids sake I wouldn't make any emotional comments like that again.

Thank you for replying, I think some of you are reading as we’re not together and I keep asking him questions I shouldn’t have, but we were together. Also reading that back I shouldn’t have made that comment about his dad, I think my problem is I’m so fixated on keeping this family together I don’t see the relationship for what it actually. Dead and toxic, we’re just not a good match and he’s never going to change. I agree, I need to communicate better and pick my battles, I say that to myself all the time “ pick your battles, pick your battles”, but it’s really hard when everything he does annoys me.

OP, when you were younger would you have preferred your parents staying together with the fighting/arguing or your parents splitting up and being happy but separate?

I do love him, but I feel a huge sense of relief when I think about life without him. He's never going to be that hardworking ambitious equal partner I want him to be. It's hard trying to change someone, easier to find someone who's already all that

he’s not really a hard grafter, very lazy. Doesn’t work properly, if he’s working that job will last a month or two and then he’ll quit. No ambition/ goals, wants the good life but doesn’t want to work. Never listened to me or took me seriously when I spoke to him about things, never helped with the children complete man child

And yet you decided to have children with him!!!!! I feel sorry for your kids.

So are you now separated? If you're not, have you told him it's over?

“He's never going to be that hardworking ambitious equal partner I want him to be.“

So in that case YOU must be hardworking and ambitious... what do you do?

I agree. Emotions aside, this relationship is too far gone to save. You do not seem at all compatible. I can see why you’d be telling him the things you have, and eats easy for people sitting on the sidelines to say you shouldn’t have, because they aren’t emotionally invested and don’t have DC’s with this person. But the bottom line is, he doesn’t seem to care at all about saving the marriage unless everything is how he wants it. His behaviour is controlling at best and you do come across as being very needy and desperate, which isn’t attractive at all. You need to put your children and yourself first here. Stop the trying to be nice and amicable contact and state facts. Personally I’d do this via a solicitor, it keeps it all on paper and above board and can not be disputed. Do not discuss anything other than the children’s needs with him and necessary things such as separation of assets. Your marriage should not be saved at the expense of anyone’s mental health, yours or his.

It's hard trying to change someone

You can't change other people. You have no right to try unless they ask for your help. I think you need therapy and to work on changing yourself.

The way you're treating him is awful and seriously lacking in insight.

I can't get over the fact you expected sympathy from him for your nasty, nasty comment about him losing his dad as a child.

Who does that? It's vile.

Jesus don’t start thinking about finding the next bloke!

but it’s really hard when everything he does annoys me

A bad relationship is much worse for children than no relationship. How your children are affected depends entirely upon how their parents behave. Right now neither of you are behaving in a way that is a positive influence for your children.

Split, properly, and show your children how to be good people, separately and they'll be fine. Continue as you are and they'll be fucked up for life.

So have you split up or not. Your post is very confusing

If you have split then do it properly and restrict all communication to child care arrangements

That was really below the belt to bring his dad’s death into it